Pincushion Princess Diaries

2012....Another year, another beginning!

2012-01-07T15:02:00.002-06:00

Ok, so I need to follow up from my last blog entry. Here goes.

I have always been pretty "skinny" and "in shape" my whole life. People think that being my size comes naturally, but it doesn't. I work at it, and I work HARD. But lately, I feel like I have been working at it the wrong way. I have done P90X Lean, P90X Classic, 3 rounds of Insanity and even a round of Hip Hop Abs (for fun...and it was!), but I still wasn't happy with how my body looked. I've also used a free site called CalorieKing.com to log all of my calories and exercise for the past 8 years. Can you believe that I have been doing that for EIGHT WHOLE YEARS?!?!?!? I didn't understand why I couldn't have the body of my dreams by eating 1100 calories a day (Yes, that's what I used to eat (when not pregnant).)

A friend of mine recommended a site called MyFitnessPal.com over a year ago. I joined in March 2011, but I didn't really use it because I was pregnant with Jake at the time. Basically it's just like Calorie King, in that I'm able to log my calories and exercise. The difference is that My Fitness Pal is a whole community. There are message boards and groups where you can ask any kind of question relating to food, fitness, health and even life in general.

I decided (at some point in November 2011) that I wanted to change my life. I started looking at My Fitness Pal and realized that even though I was starving myself (literally), I was not making good food choices. In November 2011, I started tracking my food and alcohol intake and realized that I was eating junk....and WAY too much of it! I decided that I needed to change, but I wasn't quite ready and I wasn't sure how to go about it. I decided first to clean up my diet.

Starting on Dec. 1 of 2011, I threw out most of my junk food and started stocking up on healthy things. I tried to cut out most processed foods (good-bye Lean pockets, frozen chicken fingers and pre-made sweet potato fries) and filled my fridge with veggies and Almond milk. I started drinking smoothies and added protein powder. The first week was AWFUL! I was detoxing and going through withdrawal from sugar, bad fats and processed foods. It was rough, but then I started feeling better and I actually liked how I felt for the first time in a long time! It was the start to a whole new me....sort of.

I took my measurements on Dec. 1, and I wrote them down. At the end of December, I hadn't really made any physical changes that I could see. Yes, I had lost 5 lbs. and was back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but I still didn't like the shape of my body. What else did I have to do? I went to My Fitness Pal and started poking around.

As I was poking around on My Fitness Pal, a friend recommended a book called The New Rules of Lifting For Women by Lou Schuler. Basically, it's a book that says you have to lift HEAVY weights three times a week and eat a CLEAN diet to get the body of a goddess. I decided to buy the book on my iPad and I read it cover to cover in under 24 hours. I just couldn't put it down. I was bound and determined to clean up my diet and start exercising in a way that would help me achieve the body of my dreams.

So, I indulged on the last two days of 2011. I ate pizza, a big slice of cookie cake (which I had been wanting since my birthday in August) and all other kinds of gross JUNK. It felt REALLY good and REALLY bad all at the same time. On January 1st, I kissed all of the unhealthy foods good-bye and I stocked up on healthy foods. I was starting (for the second time) my quest for a healthier me.

How have I done so far? Pretty well. I didn't have to go through another detoxing phase (thankfully). I have been trying to eat clean for the past week and have done pretty well. Yes, I still crave sweet things, but I am turning down most of the sweet things that are still around the house (like the kids' M&M's, my husband's Doritos, chocolate, etc.). I haven't lost any weight this week, but I took my measurements and I have lost 1.5 inches from my hips and 1 inch from my waist since the beginning of December.

I know this is going to be a S-L-O-W process, but I also know that this has to be a complete lifestyle change for me. I am ready and I am excited about it. My husband is a little less than excited because his tasty (and fatty) dinners have been drastically changed. We are eating a lot more seafood, lean meats and lots more veggies. I honestly can't remember the last time I used butter in my cooking, which is what I used to use a lot of when I cooked!

So, here's to 2012 and the years to follow. I hope this healthy journey lasts the rest of my life....and not just for a while. :)

Goodbye 2011

2011-12-31T15:32:00.002-06:00

Oops....I kind of forgot about my blog. Sorry to any of you who might have actually been following me.

Well, I will try to wrap everything up in a nutshell, so here goes.

Thanksgiving was good. I hosted it at our house for my immediate in-laws. It was Barb, Ed, Jeff, Julie, Jeffrey Jr., Chris, and my crew (Eddie 4, Eddie 5, Elizabeth and Jake). I smoked a turkey and Barbi brought a roasted turkey. We also had stuffing, dressing, mashed potatoes, gravy, squash casserole, green bean casserole, a creamed green pea medley, crab au gratin (by Julie), sweet potato casserole, apple pie, and pumpkin pie. It was a lot of food and a lot of fun.

The next few weeks really flew by, as I knew they would. Jake has been having a hard time sleeping and has yet to sleep through the night. He was waking up 4-5 times a night during November, but I had to do CIO for a few days to get him back to only waking up once or twice. I know he will sleep better once he starts solid food and formula, but I really just want to make it to my goal of 6 months with breastfeeding. I'd actually like to nurse him longer than that, but I know that once I introduce formula in a bottle, the nursing goes downhill pretty quickly.

Jake's torticollis is getting better, but it's still frustrating. My other two kids were able to sit up unassisted at this point, and I still can't even put Jake in a bouncy seat, Bumbo or Exersaucer because his neck is still so weak. He is making progress, but it's very slow. I guess he just wants to stay my baby for a little while longer. ;)

Eddie and Elizabeth are loving their preschool, Lucky Lane. In fact, Elizabeth will start going 5 days a week in January. She always cries when we drop off Eddie and she doesn't get to go to school with him. We are fortunate that enough children in her class can stay 5 days, so she will increase from 3 to 5 days next week.

Both Eddie and Elizabeth are chatter boxes. They really feed off each other and are always getting each other in trouble. They stress me out SO much, but I guess I should be happy that they love each other and seem to get along pretty well (for the most part).

Speaking of siblings, things with my family are still strained. I still talk with my parents, but my siblings still won't talk to me. I sent them all Christmas cards and send all of my nieces and nephews Christmas presents, but I haven't heard back from any of them. Rebecca and her husband send my kids each a present (shockingly) and Margaret and Clark sent presents for our kids. Bill and Missy seem to have written us off completely. Oh well....it's their loss.

Christmas was a lot of fun this year. We didn't travel and no one traveled up to see us. The kids had a great time and it was chaotic, but it was fun. We went to church on Christmas Eve and then we went to a local restaurant called Gerard's for dinner after church. Christmas morning was started with our traditional mimosas and pancakes and was followed by tearing into all the presents Santa brought.

Well, the kids are waking up from their afternoon naps, so I need to stop for now. I had intended to write about my new goals for 2012, but I guess I will have to save that for another entry. Let's just say there are some BIG changes coming my way and I couldn't be more excited! :)

Feeling a bit better...I think

2011-10-26T14:54:00.003-05:00

Look at me....I've updated my blog a little more recently. Woo-hoo!!

Things seem to be a bit better for me. I'm still not getting a lot of sleep because of Jake, but I find that when I do get 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I am MUCH happier during the day. For some reason, Jake won't sleep more than 3 hours at a time. This is really rough because it still takes me close to 45 minutes to nurse him on both sides, change him and get him back to bed. By the time I fall back asleep, I'm only getting 1.5-2 hours of sleep at a time. I've had 2-3 nights where Jake will give me a 4 or 5 hour stretch between feedings, but that rarely happens. Jake's 4 month well-check with the pediatrician is only 2 1/2 weeks away, so I will definitely be talking to the doctor about his sleep, or lack thereof, when we see her again.

Everything else seems to be chugging along. I'm playing with the symphony again and we just had our first concert this past Friday night. I really enjoy playing, but it's hard to get motivated to go to practice when I feel so tired and run down all the time. Last week was particularly rough because we had rehearsal on Wednesday, Thursday and our concert on Friday. Being out late 3 nights in a row was ROUGH. Our next concert is only 4 weeks away, but I'm hoping Jake will be sleeping better by then, which means I will be sleeping better, too!

But enough about Jake! I've started a new book with E5 called Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. Eddie seems anxious to figure out words, so I figured we would give it a shot. We've only done 4 lessons and so far, he has really taken to it. I have been making a big deal out of our new "special book," so he really looks forward to doing the lessons every night. It's sometimes hard to get up the motivation to do the lessons with him, but seeing his eyes light up whenever I ask him about learning how to read makes it all worth it!

Elizabeth is.....Elizabeth. She is still Miss Negative and she tests me at every turn! I love her to bits, but man oh man, she is turning me prematurely grey! She knows when she does something bad and she will often cut her eyes to the side when she has done something bad to see how I will react. She also likes to torment Eddie (by hitting, pushing, taking his toys, etc.) because she loves to see his reaction. Poor Eddie doesn't defend himself at all, so there have been lots of tears and tattling around our house!

Big Eddie is still working like a dog. He often doesn't get home until 7:00 and I am just mentally and physically checked out by that point in time. It's hard to get up the motivation to cook a nice meal that late in the day, but I'm getting better at it. I'm also getting better at making sure the kids have already had their bath by the time E4 gets home. He has been GREAT with helping me bathe the kids, but I know he's tired after a long day of work and would like to just come home and relax. Slowly, but surely, we are settling into a routine.

I've also decided that I don't do enough fun stuff with my kids, so yesterday I went to Michael's and bought a bunch of paint, paper and glitter. We made glitter pumpkins yesterday, which was a lot of fun. It was really easy to do and E5 liked doing an art project here at home. I really should do more fun stuff with them. Hopefully, I can come up with at least one fun art project each week. My next project is to make footprint/handprint animals and send those to the grandparents. I'd like to do ghosts for Halloween, but I don't think I can get them made and mailed in time. Oh well....maybe next year.

That's the update for now. I just finished exercising and need to shower before the kids get up. Our fun project for this afternoon is making Halloween cupcakes. YUM!! :)

Looking for something

2011-10-19T10:11:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I always seem to go through phases of unhappiness. I have just about everything any person could want. I am married, healthy, have 3 beautiful/healthy children, a pet cat, a nice house, a paid off vehicle, good food and extra curricular activities for my kids (and even some for me). So, why do I often feel lonely and depressed? This has been bugging me for a couple of weeks, but I think I'm finally figuring out what is going on.

Like my mom, I thrive when my life is stressful. I always need a "project." When things in my life are good, meaning not much stress, I tend to get depressed and I end up creating stress. Why do I do this? I'm not really sure why, but at least I have figured out that that is what I have been doing for most of my life.

Things with my family have seemed to level out (although my siblings and I still aren't speaking). The relationship with my parents is cordial. My kids are all healthy and happy. So, what do I do? I start picking fights with E4. I have noticed that I have been distancing myself from him for a while. I don't know what it is, but I don't want to be touched, bothered, affectionate, etc. Fortunately, E4 has been very patient with me, but I'm sure that he's getting a little frustrated. I don't know how to get myself out of my little funk, but I hope that I can do it soon.

Another thing that has been bugging me is that I suddenly want a new pet. We have Max, our cat, who is very nice (for the most part), but I feel like we need another animal. We were at the mall this past weekend and there was a traveling group called Pocket Pets, and they sold sugar gliders. For those of you that don't know, sugar gliders are small marsupials from Australia. They look like little flying squirrels and they like to hang out in your pocket. They are REALLY cute and I suddenly decided that I really wanted one.

Well, I begged Eddie all weekend to let me get one, but he firmly kept saying no. I have been doing tons of research on sugar gliders and still feel strongly that having one around the house would make a good pet. Why? Why do I want a sugar glider? Why not another cat, or a goldfish or a dog? Why not a hamster or parakeet? I think the answer is because sugar gliders need LOTS of attention. They like to be with people for a minimum of 2-3 hours a day. The thought of having a small creature with me that actually wants to hang out with me really appeals to me. I guess you could say that I'm needy. Maybe this is why I like babies so much....and l dislike toddlers. Let me explain. Jake is SO sweet. I love that he needs me and wants to be around me all day/night. E5 and Elizabeth are independent and basically want nothing to do with me. Elizabeth is going through a "negative phase" and it's really hard for me to be around her. If it were up to me, I would have as many babies as I could, ship off my kids during the toddler phase and then have them returned to me around 3-4 years. Isn't it sad that I just said that?

So, to make a long story short. I'm needy. I like feeling needed/wanted, but who doesn't? So if I like feeling this way, why do I push my husband away from me so much? Clearly, I'm looking for something and I haven't found it yet. :(

Always an excuse

2011-10-14T16:06:00.003-05:00

I only have the same old excuse for not updating. Three kids take up a lot of time, so I'm hardly on my computer at all these days. So, here's the update.

Elizabeth turned 2 on September 30. It's hard to believe that she wasn't already two because her vocabulary is incredible. She is already speaking in complete sentences (sometimes) and has the advanced attitude to go along with her vocabulary! We had her birthday party at Gymboree, and she LOVED it!! She danced around and somehow KNEW that she was the queen of the party. Play group friends and her class mates from preschool came, so it was a lot of fun.

My parents came up the weekend of her actual birthday (the party was the weekend before her birthday). I was worried it was going to be an awkward visit, but it was really nice. We took my parents out to eat dinner on Friday night and they took us out to dinner on Saturday night. My mom and I talked about sewing, smocking and the kids and my dad got to watch football and play with the kids. All in all it was a very pleasant visit and I'm glad they got to come. We never talked about my siblings, with the exception of Tim, so I still don't know what is going on with all of them.

My mom decided that she wants to come up during a week in November to help me out with the kids and to go Christmas shopping. She is coming up Nov. 8-12 and I'm really excited. It will be nice to have an extra pair of hands around the house while E4 is at work! It will also be fun to get some Christmas shopping done a little early!

My MIL went back to Florida and I was really sad when she left. She left on October 1st and won't be back until Thanksgiving. We haven't always gotten along in the past, but now that the kids are older, she was a HUGE help to me this summer. I'm really going to miss having her around to take the kids up to the park, etc.

Jake turned 2 months old on Oct. 11. He now weighs 12 lb. 4 oz. and is growing like a weed! He is the sweetest baby, but he doesn't sleep very well. He still gets up to eat every 3 hours at night, which means I'm not getting more than 2-2.5 hours of sleep at a time. The sleep deprivation is really starting to get to me, too. I'm really tired and cranky ALL THE TIME. I feel like the worst mommy and wife in the whole world because I feel like I'm always yelling at E5 and Elizabeth and I'm always cranky with E4. Hopefully, Jake will start sleeping better soon....for all of our sakes!

E5 is doing great. He still has the sweetest soul of any person I've ever known. Even though I yell at him a lot, he generally tries SO hard to make me happy. He loves going to preschool and being read to every day. I just wish that I had more time to spend with him one on one, because I know he would love it.

I'm doing ok, I guess. Like I said earlier, I'm just tired. I'm too tired to do anything other than try to nap during every spare minute of the day. I feel like the house is disgusting and I hate feeling like I am "falling behind" on everything (bills, cleaning, organizing). I want some time to smock and needlepoint, but I'm just too tired to do it. Oh well....I know I need to try to enjoy these days with Jake because he is growing so fast!

That's the update. The kids are waking up from naps, so time to run....

Sorry for the month hiatus

2011-09-17T15:17:00.003-05:00

I really have been meaning to stay on top of my blog (again), but I feel like time is flying by these days!

First of all, things on the family front are a little better. I have been speaking with my parents about 2-3 times a week. My mom is still very cold and distant when we talk on the phone, but at least we are talking. I'm pretty sure she is still miffed that I won't be her friend on Facebook, but I really don't think my family needs to be in my business every single day. The distance we have had these past 6 1/2 months has been good for all of us, I think. I have been sending pictures of the kids to my parents, and they seem to appreciate it.

My birthday came and went on August 27th. I'm still saying that I'm 29, for the record! ;) My parents were on a cruise around the Baltic Sea, but they still called me from Russia to wish me a happy birthday. I was pretty shocked when they called, but it was a pleasant surprise. My mom was REALLY chatty and she sounded like she was in a great mood. It must have been an amazing trip for them! My grandmother called on my birthday and my in-laws called, but that was it. I never heard from my siblings. Margaret sent me a text shortly after midnight, but she was the only one to do even that. I thanked her in a return text, but I haven't heard from anyone else. It was sad for me because I ALWAYS tease my brother, Bill, on my birthday. He always calls to wish me a happy birthday and then I always give him a hard time because my birthday is the one day out of the year that I am only one year younger than him (because his birthday is the day after mine, August 28). It's something we have done for as long as I can remember, so this was the first year it didn't happen. :( Oh well....There is always next year.

The rest of the summer went by pretty quickly. The last two weeks that I had all three kids at home was a little rough. I think E5 and Elizabeth were getting restless and my waking up in the night to feed Jake was taking a toll on me. We didn't get out as much the last couple of weeks because it was really hot (in the 100's) and I was tired. The kids watched A LOT of television those last few weeks.

Eddie and Elizabeth started school just after Labor Day. This is Elizabeth's first year at Lucky Lane Preschool and she LOVES it! The teachers all think she is a riot and say that she speaks better than most of the kids in her class...and she's not even 2 yet! She is the youngest in her class, but she seems to fit in really well. She comes home covered in paint, snacks and everything else. It makes a lot of laundry for me, but I don't care....She's having a great time and I don't have to deal with the mess!

Eddie loves going to school, too. He is definitely the more sensitive of my kids, so there have been several tears over kids not sharing toys with him, kids calling him "poo-poo head," etc. He still warms my heart because all he wants to do is make me happy. He often says, "Hey Mom! I did________ today. Does that make you happy?" He has the sweetest and most innocent soul of anyone I've ever known. I hope he never changes!!

I have pretty much stopped napping in the afternoons. I had to finish smocking a dress for Elizabeth and nap time was my only free time, so I had to give it up. I finished smocking the dress for her birthday last week and my mom has graciously offered to finish putting it together for me! Hopefully, my mom will get it put together and back up here before Elizabeth's class pictures because I really want her to wear it!

Jake is doing well. He is the calmest most easy-going baby I've ever had. THANK YOU, GOD!!!! He had his 2-month check up this past week and he is TINY! HE weighed 10 lb. 9 oz. (12th percentile) and was 22 inches long (11th percentile). I guess all of our kids are going to be squatty, but Jake seems to be the smallest of all. He was also diagnosed with Torticollis at his check-up. This is where his head tilts to one side. His head tilts to the left. I noticed it a couple of weeks ago and the pediatrician agreed with me that there was a problem, so we started physical therapy this past Thursday. The physical therapy went well, thankfully! I have to stretch Jake's neck several times a day, but we think that the Torticollis was caught early enough that it should be easy to correct. I already see some improvement just in the couple of days we have done the stretches!

I should also mention that I'm going to start playing my horn again! I'm going to be playing 4th horn with the Saint Louis Philharmonic this year. The principal horn player, John Thomas, called me and asked me to play 4th because the symphony is playing Beethoven's 9th Symphony and there is a HUGE solo for the 4th horn. He knows that I can handle the part, so it's mine! I'm SO excited! I'm happy to have a permanent spot with the symphony (and not just play assistant), but I'm hoping to be moved up to the 3rd position after this year. Both the 3rd and 4th spots were open, but John really wanted me on 4th. I guess there is always next year, right?

Well, that's the update for now. We went to the Greentree Festival Parade this morning and the kids had a blast. Everyone is tired and napping now (which is why I have time to update)! But, now I need to go and be productive again before going out to dinner with Jeff and Julie tonight.

Sorry it's taken so long to update and I hope to be on here more often!

Playing Catch-up!

2011-08-17T14:55:00.002-05:00

I feel like that's all I'm doing right now....constantly playing catch up with everything. A lot of these feelings are my fault because I have been napping almost every day since Jake was born. The naps help me stay in a good mood, but all of the housework has been pushed aside. :( I've been spending today cleaning, organizing, throwing out old/broken toys, paying bills, taking care of phone calls, etc. Fortunately, I had my cleaning ladies come in this morning to help out and they did a great job! I only had to clean the basement/playroom, so I really shouldn't complain about having to clean.

Normally I would be napping right now, but I decided that I needed to do some maintenance projects around the house. All three kids are napping so I have been throwing out old toys, paying bills, taking care of getting a lawn service, writing thank you notes for meals and baby gifts, etc. It's not very exciting (and my husband won't be able to tell that I did anything at all), but at least I will feel good knowing that I got some mundane things done around the house.

On the family front, there's not much to report. My dad called on Sunday night to chat. My mom was also on the line, but she didn't talk at all. We have kind of settled into a routine of talking just on Sundays, which is fine with me. The conversations are still very strained and forced, but at least my dad and I are talking. I don't really tell them much about the kids because I'm still ticked that my mom won't talk to me. I don't know what her problem is and why she won't talk to me. Knowing my mom, this "episode" we are having has probably permanently damaged our relationship. My mom holds a grudge like no one else I've ever seen, so unless I completely submit to her, apologize (for what....I'll never know!), yadda, yadda, yadda, she will always be upset with me in some form or fashion. It really is too bad that she can't let go of negative events in the past, because I really think it's destructive to her and it doesn't help her depression (which she says she doesn't have).

The kids are doing well....sort of. The jealousy over Jake's arrival is finally rearing it's ugly head. Eddie has been acting out A LOT and getting into a lot of trouble. I know that he is just crying out for attention, but it's SO hard to give him the attention he craves when I have a newborn. Elizabeth hasn't behaved much better either. She goes around hitting Eddie, taking toys, spitting, throwing food, etc. Again, I know that she needs some one-on-one attention, and I'm not able to provide enough right now.

Jake is going through a growth spurt (I think) right now, so that makes things even harder. He needs to eat every 2-2 1/2 hours and he still takes almost 45 minutes to eat from start to finish (including diaper changes). That only leaves an hour or so to eat, play with the other kids, nap, etc. I know that the growth spurt won't last long, but it's still tough to go through it.

Fortunately, I have been good about getting out of the house at least once a day. This week, we have played outside, gone to Gymboree, gone to Kindermusik, and gone to the park. I'm still planning on taking the kids to The Magic House tomorrow and then we have play group on Friday. Once this week is over, we only have two more weeks all together and then Eddie and Elizabeth will start preschool. I had been dreading having all three kids at home with nothing to do for 6 weeks, but now I am sad that it's almost time to send them back to school. My kids are a lot of work, but they are so much fun and bring me so much happiness. I'm trying to cherish every moment (even the bad ones) because I know the day will come when they will no longer want to hang out with me, go to the park, walk to the bakery, etc.

*Sigh* Kids really do grow up way too fast.....

Growing like a weed!!

2011-08-12T12:56:00.005-05:00

First of all, here is a picture of Jake on Aug. 11 (1 month old)!

Jake had his one-month check up yesterday and it went REALLY well (aside from the fact the my older two kids were holy terrors...but that's beside the point)! Jake is up to 8 lb. 8 oz. from his birth weight of 7 lb. 9 oz.! His weight gain is AWESOME, especially since he wasn't even back to his birth weight at two weeks old. I can't believe he's gained almost an entire pound in 2 1/2 weeks! Grow, Jake, grow!!

Jake had to have his belly button cauterized, but I'm not surprised, as both of my other kids had to have it done, too. The chord fell off about 10 days ago, but it's still oozing and gross. The cauterization seems to have stopped that, so it will be nice not to have to deal with Jake's gooey belly button every day.

I also talked to the ped. about Jake not pooping. He only poops every 5 days and that's with the help of a suppository. She said that as long as he is gaining weight and isn't uncomfortable, that I shouldn't worry about it. She says he just has a laid back and easy-going personality and pooping once a week is just who Jake is (at this point). I guess I should just be happy that I'm not changing multiple poopy diapers every day. I remember when Elizabeth was born, I felt like I changed diapers ALL DAY LONG, but I don't feel that way now. Eddie is completely potty trained and Elizabeth is starting to show interest, so it won't be long until I only have Jake in diapers. :)

I voiced my concerns about Jake sleeping so much (18-20 hours a day) and the pediatrician said it was completely normal and that this is what babies were supposed to do! I was shocked because Eddie and Elizabeth were SO difficult. Eddie used to cry 20 hours a day because of his acid reflux and colic, and Elizabeth wasn't much better. It's nice to have a happy, peaceful and easy going baby for a change. I guess God knew that I needed a break since this is my last baby!

Eddie and Elizabeth are starting to show signs of jealousy. I knew it was going to happen at some point, but I was hoping that it wouldn't be too bad. Both of them are acting out in public (and in private), so it's getting harder to take them out to places. We had some friends over yesterday for a play date and Eddie kept snatching toys away from his friend, running up to other kids and screaming in their faces and calling other kids names. I was appalled by his behavior, but I'm noticing that he does it when I'm holding/nursing Jake. I think the kids are figuring out that I can't reprimand them immediately while I am nursing, so they are taking advantage of it.

I also think that my energy level is returning, but I have to spend so much time nursing Jake, that I'm probably ignoring Eddie and Elizabeth more than I should be. It's a tough balancing act and I'm still trying to figure out how to make it work. Right now, I've been resorting to TV in the mornings. I'm sad that I've caved and finally turned on the TV, but it really does make the "breakfast nursing session" go much easier. I try not to let the kids watch more than an hour of TV each day, so I guess I should be happy that I'm at least limiting their time. I'm just sad that I didn't get Elizabeth to the 2 year mark before she started watching TV. Oh well....I guess 22 months is close enough, right? Hopefully, once the kids start back to school in 3 weeks, I will be able to cut out the TV again all together!

All three kids are down for their afternoon naps, so I'm going to get off the computer and join them. I find that as long as I get a little nap every afternoon, I can survive the day (and sometimes still have a smile on my face by the time E4 gets home)!

Baptism and a 1-month update

2011-08-11T09:23:00.003-05:00

Once again, I have let my blog slide. Sorry. Things have been going well, but I hardly have time to even shower these days. So, here's the update!

We had Jake baptized on July 24, 2011. It happened REALLY fast because we received a letter in the mail on July 19 telling us that our senior pastor, Pastor Smith, was going to have surgery on a tumor in his neck. The surgery was going to be very close to a nerve in the face and his return to the church would be at least 6 weeks and there was a chance that he might not return at all. Pastor Smith baptized both Eddie and Elizabeth, so I REALLY wanted him to baptize Jake as well. We were going to schedule it for July 31, but my in-laws were going to be out of town. Since things are so shaky with my family, I wanted at least my in-laws to be there, so we scheduled the baptism to be on July 24 at 9:30 a.m.

I decided that I really should invite my parents, so I called my dad. I told him the story about our pastor and told him about the baptism (which would be in 5 days). I invited both him and my mom. He told me that they were hosting a brunch for a partner in his office on Saturday, so he didn't know if they could come. I told him that I understood, but I wanted him to know that both he and my mom were welcome to come. My dad then told me that I should call my mom. I told him that I was already planning on doing that, so I called her next.

I called my mom and she was extremely cold towards me. I told her the story about our pastor and invited her to come to the baptism. She said she didn't know if they could come and then there was a LONG pause of silence. I asked my mom if she received an email I had sent a day earlier and she said she had received it. (The email said that I would like to talk to her, but I needed her to call me to let me know that she was ready to talk.) I then repeated what I said in the email by saying, "Well, when you are ready to talk to me, please call." Her response? "I'm working on it." I didn't have anything else to say, so I said, "Ok. Good bye."

I didn't hear from my parents all week, so I assumed they weren't coming up for Jake's baptism. I went to The Women's Exchange and bought a simple white embroidered outfit for Jake to wear (since my mom has Elizabeth's baptismal gown in Alabama), ordered a cake and was mentally preparing myself to just have my in-laws, the god parents (my BIL and SIL, Jeff and Julie) and our immediate family for the baptism. Well, my dad called late on Friday and said that he and my mom were coming! He then asked if I wanted Jake to wear the baptismal gown. I told him I didn't think I would be allowed to get it back, but I was glad they were coming. He said they were going to stay in a hotel (even though I did offer multiple times to have them stay at our house). I asked if my mom even WANTED to come and my dad said that she did. I tried calling and talking to my mom, but she never answered the phone. My dad answered and/or returned my calls, so I was pretty nervous about my parents coming to town.

My parents ended up coming at 5:00 on Saturday. My dad gave me a hug and my mom just said "Hi" to me. I immediately offered to let them hold Jake, since they had never seen him in person. We snapped a few pictures, but there was A LOT of tension in the room. Fortunately, everyone was civil! My parents brought a toy for Eddie and a toy for Elizabeth. My parents gave Jake to sleep sacks (the first presents they have given Jake) and Rebecca sent an outfit from the Gap. (I was shocked that Rebecca sent anything because she never even responded to my text when Jake was born.)

Eddie and I took my parents to Bellerive for dinner on Saturday night. I ordered a glass of wine and my mom commented that she was surprised I could have wine while breast feeding. I told her that my dr. said it was fine as long as I have one drink and that I have it with dinner. I ended up drinking the wine over the course of an hour and twenty minutes! Dinner conversation was ok. It was mostly my dad talking. No one brought up any of the other member of my family, so the conversation was kept strictly to my parents, Eddie and myself and the kids. I was actually thankful for this because I didn't want to play the "Mom and Dad said....." game about my siblings.

My parents came over to our house after dinner and visited for another hour before going back to their hotel. Again, everything was pleasant, but awkward. No one mentioned us not speaking for the past 5 months, which was a HUGE relief!

The baptism went well. Jake wore Elizabeth's baptismal gown and was a champ. He was awake for the actual baptism and then he slept through the rest of the service. We then came back to our house for a little light lunch. We served an assortment of deli sandwiches, chips, dip, fruit and a baptismal cake. We ended up having myself, Eddie, Eddie V, Elizabeth, Jake, my mom, my dad, my MIL, my FIL, my BIL's (Jeff and Chris), my SIL (Julie), and my nephew (Jeffrey) over for lunch. My parents left as soon as they were done eating, which was about 30 minutes after we started serving lunch.

I think there was a collective sigh from all of the Ernsts when my parents left. Everyone else stayed to visit for another hour or so, which was nice. All of the Ernsts were very supportive of how Eddie and I handled my parents coming (and leaving) so quickly. Honestly, I'm glad it all happened so fast, because I didn't really have much time to stress out about the whole situation.

I did call my parents the day after the baptism and thanked them for coming. My mom wasn't able to talk (surprise, surprise), so she sent an email letting me know how chaotic it was down in Alabama because she was entertaining the other grandkids and that she would call later. She never did call, but my dad called (while my mom was on the phone, too) the next day. July 26 was the last time that I spoke with my mom. I did call my parents again one week after the baptism (July 31) and left a message, but only my dad called back. My dad called again a week later (August 7), but again, it was just him.

Clearly, my mom is still on her high horse. I have decided that I am not going to call the house or send any more pictures to my mom until she grows up a little bit. My dad has requested that I send more pictures of the kids to them. I told him that I haven't taken a lot of pictures (which is the truth), but that I would send some soon. I will send pictures to my dad because he has been polite to me, but I refuse to send any to my mom. I'm sick and tired of her acting like a petulant child and getting away with it. The rest of my family caves in to her, but I'm standing my ground. I have done nothing wrong to her. SHE is the one who refused to speak to me, acknowledge my son's birth and just generally be an overall bitch to me. (I apologize for using a curse word, but it's the only word to describe my mom right now.) So, it looks like we are back to square one....UGH!

But on to more positive things....

Jake is doing well. I have his one month check-up later this morning. I'm anxious to see how much he weighs because he is still having issues with pooping. He won't poop on his own, so I have been giving him suppositories once every 5 days. Hopefully, the pediatrician will know what to do because he genuinely seems uncomfortable. Other than that, he is an EXTREMELY happy baby. He only cries when he is overtired, getting his diaper changed or when he is hungry. He is the sweetest newborn baby I've ever seen!

E5 and Elizabeth are doing well, too. E5 loves to practice writing his letters and numbers and he REALLY loves to practice cutting paper. I bought some little workbooks for him to use this summer and he's really been getting into working on them. Elizabeth continues to go through her "word explosion" stage. She's quite the little chatter box and has a mind like a steel trap. As long as I am giving her adequate attention, she is the sweetest little girl, but she can quickly turn into a holy terror if I show Jake too much attention.

I've really gotten into a groove with having all three kids. As long as we get out in the mornings, we seem to have a pretty good day. If we stay inside all day, that's when we get into trouble. I know that the older kids get bored easily, so it's tough to keep them entertained all the time at home while tending to Jake's needs.

Last week, I made it a goal to get out of the house every day and we did it! We went to the park, had play dates, went to the grocery store, playgroup, went to the mall and even got out for lunch. This week, our big excursion was the Museum of Transportation, which was a lot of fun. I let the kids play at the Creation Station for an hour and then we rode a little train around the premises. I kept Jake in my Moby Wrap, so it was easy to keep up with Elizabeth and E5.

So, that's the update for now. Sorry to not post in so long. It's hard to keep up with my blog when there is a newborn in the house because I'm sleeping EVERY CHANCE I get. I'm also trying to enjoy every second of Jake being so little because I know that he is my last baby and time really does fly by too quickly! :(

Jake's Birth Story

2011-07-18T13:49:00.003-05:00

Sorry I haven't been posting much. Things are a little more crazy around here with three kids. Oh my goodness....I have THREE kids!!!! AH! When did THAT happen?!?!?!?

Jake's birth story probably needs to start with the day before he arrived. It was Sunday, July 10, 2011 and I was feeling very irritable and tired. I had had an emotional "meltdown" that afternoon while Eddie was out playing tennis. He had a tennis event that started at 12:30 on Sunday. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal, but on that day, he was gone for four hours. I was LIVID! The kids didn't nap well, which meant that I didn't get to nap, so I was cranky when he got home. We all went to the grocery store together and on the way there, I just started sobbing. I was upset that he was gone, I was upset that my parents STILL weren't speaking to me and I felt like I wasn't going to have any support once the baby arrived. All in all, I was just a mess.

We got to the store and my MIL was there. She had arranged to meet us there and take us on a "grocery store trip." (This is where she meets us at the store and buys us all of our groceries. She does this for us every other week or so when she is in town.) I was grateful that she was buying our groceries, but I was just TIRED and didn't want to be there. I remember pushing the shopping cart through the store and thinking, "Oh my God. My legs and lower body hurt so badly. I just want to get off of my feet and relax. I just need to rest." Little did I know, it was my body gearing up for Jake's delivery!

Sunday night, there wasn't much on TV. I was laying on a smaller couch in our basement with my feet propped up on a pillow when I started to notice the baby moving around A LOT. He wouldn't stop moving! We were flipping through movie channels (and watched a little bit of Hannibal), but I couldn't concentrate on the TV because Jake was moving so much. I remember thinking it was odd that he was moving so much, but then I just brushed it off. I was still having my usual Braxton Hicks contractions, so I just assumed it was an active night for the baby.

We went to bed around 11:00 on Sunday. I was still an emotional mess from earlier in the day, so I took half of an Ambien to help me fall asleep. Fortunately, I fell asleep pretty quickly.

At 2:10 a.m. on July 11, 2011, I woke up to a small "pop" and an incredibly painful contraction. I realized that I was laying on my back and I NEVER wake up on my back at the end of pregnancy. I tried to roll over to my right side, but the contraction was so painful that I couldn't move. It was then that I realized I felt wet. I reached down and realized that my boxers and bed were soaked. I smelled my hand (to make sure I hadn't wet the bed) and the fluid didn't smell like anything. I rolled over and felt a large wet spot on the bed and realized that my bladder was full and that I really needed to use the bathroom. OMG! My water had broken!

I woke up Eddie by loudly whispering his name twice. He sat straight up in bed and I told him that I thought my water had just broken. His response was, "You're shitting me!" I asked him to get me a towel, but when I got up, there wasn't any more fluid. I told him that we needed to go to the hospital, but that I was going to shower first. So, I showered and shaved while Eddie called the Dr's Exchange to make sure they wanted me to come in. Fortunately, my dr., Dr. DeRosa, was on call and I was able to talk to him. He told me to come in immediately because I was Group B Strep Positive and they wanted to start me on antibiotics ASAP. Eddie then called his parents and my FIL came over to stay with the kids. We were on our way to the hospital by 2:50 a.m.

We got to the hospital right at 3:00 and we were checked in immediately. I was hooked up to the monitors and given an IV and my first dose of antibiotics to help protect the baby against the GBS. The nurse checked me at 3:20 a.m. and said that I was 2-3 cm. dilated and 90% effaced. She also noted that she still thought she felt my bag of waters. My contractions were ever 3-4 minutes and they were getting EXTREMELY painful. They got to the point where I started shaking each time I had a contraction because they were causing me so much pain. At 4:10 I started feeling a gush of fluid, so I called the nurse. She confirmed that I was leaking fluid and noted that my water was definitely broken. I told her this is what I had felt at home two hours earlier, so she decided that I was right and that my water had broken at home at 2:10. The nurse asked if I wanted my epidural and I gave her an enthusiastic YES!

I got my epidural at 4:40 a.m. The anesthesiologist had a hard time getting the epidural in the right space. I kept having sharp pains down my right side, but she eventually got it to work (on the third try). Once the epidural kicked in, I felt MUCH better. Eddie and I were left alone for a while. Eddie napped on a couch and I played Words with Friends (Scrabble) on my iPhone. The nurse came back in at 5:25 to check me and told me that I was 8 cm. dilated, 100% effaced and that the baby was at Zero Station. At this point, we knew that the baby would be here soon and I wouldn't be able to get my second round of antibiotics into me before he got there.

We were left alone for a little bit, but then I started feeling pressure, so I called the nurse back in. She checked me at 5:50 a.m. and told me that I was completely dilated and ready to start pushing, but she needed to call Dr. DeRosa and the newborn nurses into the room. Dr. DeRosa got to the hospital just before 6:00 a.m. and we were ready to go. I started to push right at 6:00, but had to stop because DeRosa had forgotten to catheterize me first! After that was taken care of, I started pushing. Jacob Henry Ernst was born after 2 contractions and 3 pushes at 6:04 a.m. He didn't start crying right away, so he wasn't placed on my chest immediately after delivery and Eddie wasn't able to cut the cord. Things were a little hectic for a few minutes, but Jake started crying, turned a nice pink color and everything was fine. Eddie was able to trim the chord once Jake was on the warmer, and I was able to hold him after he was cleaned up.

The placenta was delivered without any complications this time, which was a HUGE relief! I had a small 1st degree tear that required three small stitches, but they were REALLY small. My epidural was removed pretty quickly and was taken to my recovery room at 7:30 (after I had shown that I could get up and use the bathroom). All in all, it was a very quick and very easy delivery.

My recovery room was directly across the hall from the nurse's station. The nurses were really loud and chatty all night long during the first night, so I only got 45 minutes of sleep that night. I did end up taking on Percocet to help alleviate the after labor pains of my uterus contracting back down, but that was the only prescription pain medicine I took. I was able to keep the rest of the pain at bay with just Ibuprofen. I requested a new room for my second night and I'm SO glad I did. I slept MUCH better and was able to actually get some rest.

I did send an email to my parents one hour after Jake was born to let them know that he had arrived. My dad responded with "Congratulations." and I never heard from my mom. I sent texts to all of my siblings to let them know about Jake's arrival and I heard from everyone except Rebecca. I'm not really surprised, though.

During this past week, I have sent some pictures to my parents to show them Jake. I have received a few responses from my dad and one "Thank you." from my mom. That's it. I'm really hurt by their response (or lack thereof) to their newest grandson. I guess this just shows me that we all still need a little more time before we try to patch things up.

The upside of everything working out the way it did is that we have been able to settle into a routine pretty quickly. Not having my mom here has actually made the recovery a lot easier. Eddie and I have been able to find our "groove" with the kids and I have been able to take little naps here and there to help with the lack of sleep due to nursing.

So, that's the update for now. I'm just thankful to God for Jake's safe arrival and that he is healthy. God is good! :)

Jacob Henry Ernst

2011-07-13T13:08:00.002-05:00

I think most people that read this are also on Facebook, but I'm happy to announce here that Jacob Henry Ernst (previously known as Ernst Baby #3) was born on July 11, 2011 at 6:04 a.m. Jake weighed 7 lb. 9 oz. and measured 21 inches long. He was 9 days before my induction date, and 17 days before my actual due date. He is healthy and doing well! We just got home from the hospital today, so I'm pretty wiped out, but I hope to post his birth story soon! Welcome, Jake! :)

Progress!

2011-07-06T15:22:00.002-05:00

I had my 37-week check-up today with Dr. DeRosa. I saw him a week ago and I wasn't dilated at all and only 50% effaced. Well, today I am 2 cm. dilated and 70% effaced. YAY! I know that I can walk around for weeks at 2 cm., but that's ok...At least I feel like all of these contractions I'm having are doing SOMETHING! I also tested positive for GBS, which means I will have to have two rounds of antibiotics before my induction. Boo! Basically, I will go in for my induction and I will then start antibiotics BEFORE I get the pitocin. This just means a slightly longer induction. I usually have really fast labors, but DeRosa says no one will break my water until I finish my antibiotics, so it looks like baby #3 will be here some time in the afternoon or evening of July 20th (unless he decides to come on his own before then)!

I have been going to the Perinatal Center twice a week for NST's because of my gestational diabetes. My appt. yesterday was at 4:00, and fortunately, I called a babysitter to come and stay at the house with E5 and Elizabeth. I didn't get back in for my appt. until 4:35 and once I was hooked up to the monitors, my nurse went home and didn't tell anyone that I was still there! I was in the chair for an hour and then I pushed my nurse call button. There was one nurse who hadn't gone home and she apologized profusely because I should have been done after 20 minutes because the baby was so active. She looked over my results and told me that I needed to go to Labor and Delivery because she thought I was in labor. Yes, I was contracting every 2-3 minutes, but I tried explaining to her that I ALWAYS do that. She continued to push for me to go to L&D, but I finally lied and said that the contractions didn't hurt and that I would return if they got worse. The nurse reluctantly let me go home and I'm SO glad that she did. My contractions fizzled out after a few more hours. :)

I'm still contracting heavily today, but at least I now know I'm not really in labor. When I'm in labor, I won't be able to walk/talk through my contractions. Besides, I have tickets to see U2 in concert on July 17th, so this baby CAN'T come before then!

Bittersweet

2011-07-04T13:29:00.002-05:00

Happy 4th of July! Today is truly a bittersweet day for me. If things had worked out differently, I would have a 5 year old child that would have had today for a due date. I wouldn't trade my kids for the world, but I find that this is a tough day every year. It gets easier every year, but I'm always a little sad and wonder about the first child I never got a chance to know.

I feel a little more "at peace" this year because baby #3 is due this month. Things have a funny way of coming full circle, don't they? This is my last pregnancy and I think having the same due date month as my first pregnancy is a great way to end this chapter in my life, don't you?

On a different note, I got an email from my dad yesterday. In the back of my mind, I always suspected that I would hear from my parents in some form or fashion just before my due date, but I had hoped that they would respect my wishes and leave me be. The email basically said that he and my mom don't understand why I dislike them and won't communicate with them. The sad thing is, is that I have TRIED to tell them why I don't want to talk with them, but they won't listen. My dad's emails make me feel very defensive and they cause such a physiological response in me that I'm not able to deal with very well (right now). I just want to enjoy my last two weeks of pregnancy without any family drama, but it looks like that isn't going to happen. I originally thought I would just ignore my dad's email, but I feel like I'm ready to respond. I'm not sure HOW I'm going to respond, but just being "silent" isn't helping, so hopefully God will give me the strength and words to get my point across.

So, I'm just trying to finish up last minute things before the baby arrives. I've almost finished categorizing and updating all of our family pictures, the nursery is mostly finished and the house is fairly clean. I've also stocked up on lots of basic things (like toilet paper, shower necessities, nonperishable food, etc.) so that I won't have to get out as much once the baby gets here. All in all, I'm pretty ready and feel that I will be COMPLETELY ready for baby to get here by the end of this week! :)

Slowly but surely!

2011-06-30T13:46:00.003-05:00

I am slowly but surely getting ready for baby #3. I am 36 weeks today and my induction is scheduled for just under 3 weeks away...YIKES!! I think the panic finally settled in and I have been running around like a mad woman trying to run all of my "last minute" errands. I have finished needlepointing everything for the rest of this year, so at least I have those projects behind me. The last "big project" that I have left to do is organize all of my pictures from the last year. I finally have all of my pictures downloaded and printed, but I still need to put them in order, write the dates/names/places on the backs and then put them into albums. I have just over 1200 pictures to do, so I'm hoping to get it done before the new baby arrives.

The nursery is *almost* finished, which is a huge relief. I finally got a painter over here to hang the wall border, but I ended up needing an additional 7 feet of border. I have ordered more, but I'm not sure if it will get here before the baby does. Even if it doesn't get here, at least most of the room is done. The painter told me that it should only take 10-15 minutes to finish hanging the border, so I'm not too worried about it.

I'm also still waiting on the changing pad covers to arrive, but they should be here some time this week. I went ahead and fixed all the nail pops in the ceilings of our house (because I was tired of waiting on painters). It was a lot of physical work, but at least it's done and now the ceilings look good again. I also got the curtains hung in the nursery. I still need to hang the darkening shades, but I'm not too concerned about those yet. I actually did pick them up today, so I just have to dig down and find the energy to actually hang them up! I also need to hang the wall decorations over the crib, but then I should be done. As soon as I get it finished, I will be sure to post pictures!

Today, I moved all the car seats around in our van. I had to take out a captain's chair, move E5's car seat to the back of the van, move Elizabeth's car seat to the other side of the second row and install the baby's seat. I actually didn't get to install the baby's seat yet because I ran out of time. I had to leave to pick up E5 from camp, but at least I am making some progress. I have been putting off the little things (like moving car seats, getting new pump parts, buying newborn clothes, etc.) until closer to my due date, but time is running out. Elizabeth doesn't have camp next week, which means I won't get as many errands done, so I've been tackling my "to do list" hard and heavy! Hopefully, all the hard work will pay off and I'll be able to relax (and maybe even take a few naps) before baby gets here! :)

I have been having a lot of problems with my Gestational Diabetes these past few weeks. The dr. keeps adjusting my medicine, but I'm still hyperglycemic after breakfast (numbers above 200) and then I have hypoglycemic crashes before lunch (numbers below 60). They hypoglycemic episodes are really scary....I get dizzy, shaky, sweaty and the room starts spinning. If I don't eat a quick sugar (like a piece of caramel, glass of milk, or piece of candy), I can pass out. I'm getting better at recognizing when my blood sugar quickly drops, but I'm also still learning. By the time I get this all figured out, the baby will be here and it won't matter. Oh well!

Things with my family are still the same. I haven't talked to them and I don't plan on talking to them. This is my last pregnancy EVER, and I am really trying to enjoy and savor every minute of it. I know that might sound weird to a lot of you because the end of pregnancy is SO uncomfortable, but I really am enjoying it. I don't want the added stress/awkwardness of dealing with my family right now. I'm going to have E4 send out a generic email to all of my friends and family when the baby does get here, so at least they will hear about the birth from us (and not from someone else).

So, that's the update for now. Time for me to work on those 1200 pictures! :)

Feeling a bit better! :)

2011-06-21T13:29:00.002-05:00

I definitely feel a little better today! I think having both kids at camp during the mornings has been just the "break" that I needed. Elizabeth goes to our church from 9:00-11:30 on Mon.-Thurs. and E5 goes to his preschool summer camp from 9:00-1:00 Mon.-Fri. I love Elizabeth to bits, but she is at an age that is SO hard, so it's nice to have a little break from her.

I talked with E4 last night about my concerns with his working late hours, us not seeing each other, not "connecting" like we used to, my feeling overwhelmed, and my feeling "out of control." He had tennis last night, so he didn't get home until after 9:00, which is too late to start a TV show, so it was the perfect time to talk to him. I was careful to word things in a way that weren't accusatory towards him, and I think that helped A LOT. Anyway, he was very supportive...even more supportive than I imagined he would be. We agreed that I should probably continue seeing Kathy for a while, and especially after the baby is born. I have had severe PPD with my previous two kids, so I'm pretty much expecting it this time around, too.

I also got the phone call from my high risk doctor yesterday that I needed to start my new insulin medicine, which is called Glyburide. It's an oral pill (Hooray for not being a shot!!!!) and I'm supposed to take it twice a day. I was discouraged because I started it last night before dinner and my post-dinner reading was still really high. The good news is that all of my blood sugar levels today have been in the "normal" range. The other piece of good news is that I was told to increase my carbohydrate intake to around 40 grams of carbs. per meal! Before the medicine, I was limited to 20-25 grams of carbs per meal and it was TOUGH. I celebrated by going to Chick-Fil-A for lunch and had nuggets (15 grams of carbs), strawberries (a low-carb fruit) and just a few waffle fries. My blood sugar one hour after lunch was only 117!! Before the medicine, I have been in the high 160's after lunch, so I was really happy!

I also finally got my hair cut today. It was practically down to my waist and was looking really ratty. I have been meaning to cut it for a while, but I wanted to wait until closer to my due date, as I know I won't have a lot of opportunities to get it cut after the baby gets here. I ended up cutting off 6 inches and it feels/looks sooooooooo much better! My hair is still a good 6-7 inches below my shoulders, so I can still curl it, pull it back, braid it, etc., but at least now I don't look like I'm trying to hang on to my "glory days."

While I was in the mood to get things done, I also contacted a new painter to come over and hang the wall border in the baby's nursery. It's the last major thing that I need to do to the nursery before the baby gets here. I've already hung all the baby clothes, gotten the changing area ready with diapers, wipes, blankets, etc. and pretty much set up the rest of the room. The bookshelves are still empty and I need to start working on his baby book, but other than that, I'm pretty much ready for his arrival.

So, all in all, it's been a good and productive morning. I'm feeling better having talked to E4 last night and I even set up an appointment to talk with Kathy tomorrow, so I'm sure I'll feel even better after that. It feels good to finally post some positive things! :)

Back in a funk

2011-06-19T15:30:00.002-05:00

Argh. Why can't I seem to get and STAY out of my funks? I have one month until my induction with this baby, so I know a lot of my feelings are probably just pregnancy hormones, but it still sucks. I was depressed, irritable, grumpy, etc. during the last month of pregnancy with both Eddie and Elizabeth, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'm feeling that way again with this baby.

I'm having a hard time getting motivated to do much of anything. I have tried talking to E4 about how I'm feeling, but he always responds the same....."Is there anything POSITIVE about your day?" Basically, he doesn't want to hear me complain, so I'm trying not to do it around him. So, I'll just complain here. :)

I feel very alone and isolated right now. My blood sugars are way too high and I'm pretty sure I will be starting some kind of medication tomorrow. I feel like a failure for not being able to control my blood sugar through diet and exercise. I've only gained 18 pounds during the pregnancy, so I don't feel like my eating is out of control. I don't understand why my body won't do what it's supposed to do on it's own.

I'm also feeling alone because E4 is working crazy-long hours. He often leaves by 6:30 in the morning and doesn't come home until close to 7:00. Well, by 7:00 p.m., I've already fed and bathed both kids and we are all practically ready to kill each other. I love my kids to bits, but E4 only sees them for a few minutes at a time (with the exception of weekends), so he doesn't understand why I have a hard time dealing with them. I had a Mom's Night Away on the first Saturday of this month, where I went to a spa with some girlfriends, we all ate out for dinner, slept in a hotel and returned home midmorning the next day. I was hoping that Eddie would see what it was REALLY like to spend time with the kids, but his parents were helping him almost the entire time I was gone. Don't get me wrong....I'm glad that it was a good experience for him, but part of me wanted him to spend just a few hours with our kids so he could see how demanding they are. No such luck for me. When I got home, I was told how sweet and easy they were to care for and that he STILL didn't understand why I felt the need to "get away."

I guess I just feel more like a house servant than anything else. I do all the cooking, laundry, shopping, home repairs, maintenance, child-rearing, etc. around here. I love my "job" but it truly is a 7 days a week job. I know that my husband works really hard, too. I try to thank him often for working so hard so that I can stay home with the kids. I feel like these days we are both too tired to really and truly "connect" with each other, and it's making me feel even more isolated.

Eddie told me that he hates asking me about my day because I always respond negatively. I don't mean to be so negative, but it seems like most days are negative. The flip side, is that EVERY time I ask him about his day/job, he always tells me how miserable it is to be an associate, how he is crazy-busy, etc. I don't get why he gets to tell me about the negative aspects of his job, yet I'm supposed to tell him that everything is fine and rosy on my end.....and it's not.

I guess I need to call Kathy and meet with her again. I haven't been going to any counseling sessions because the kids have been out of school. Elizabeth starts camp at our church this week, so maybe a couple of hours of not having the kids around will be good for me.

To top things off, today is Father's Day. I should be calling my dad and wishing him a happy Father's Day, but I still have zero desire to talk to him. I'm still ticked that he showed emails between the two of us to my family and told my family that they aren't allowed to contact me, which isn't true. I have tried calling my youngest brother, Tim, a few times, but he isn't returning my phone calls, so I guess he isn't talking to me anymore either. Oh well.

Well, since I'm being "Debbie Downer," I'll just keep going. Baby #3 is coming in 4 1/2 weeks (or less) and my family and I still aren't speaking. My mom has Elizabeth's baptismal gown and I desperately want it back for the new baby, but I don't want to call her and ask her to send it. I've thought about driving down to Alabama and getting it while my family is in church, but I can't physically make the trip at this point in time. The new baby will be baptized within the first 3 months of being born, so I guess I'm going to have to get a different outfit for him to wear.

I'm also still shocked and angered that my mom is so stuck in her stubborn ways that she doesn't even have the decency to call me and see how I'm doing in my pregnancy. I don't know why she isn't talking to me. All I know is that I tried to plan a bridal shower for my youngest sister, it wasn't what she wanted, my sister threw a fit, my parents yelled at me and now they aren't speaking to me. She knows that I have gestational diabetes and that I'm on blood thinner shots, yet she won't even call to see how everything is going. Heck, she won't even send an email or letter. Even though I'm not on speaking terms with my family....I'm human.....I yearn for contact and acceptance from my family. I know that I will never get the acceptance from them that I have wanted for years, so I'm having a hard time dealing with that.

I'm tortured by what I should do when this baby actually DOES arrive. Do I call my family? Do I have Eddie call? Should I send an email? Do I send them a birth announcement? I am so hurt and angered by their actions towards me that I don't even want to tell them when the baby does arrive. (This is probably my spite talking, but I don't know.) I'm trying to put together a list of email addresses to send out when the baby gets here and I don't know if I should include my family. If they don't have the decency to call and see how I'm doing during the last 5 months of my pregnancy, why should I tell them when the baby even gets here? My family hasn't even tried to contact or see how their grandkids, E5 and Elizabeth, are doing. Why should I tell them about the new baby? UGH. These are the thoughts that keep going through my head and I can't seem to shut them out.

Yeah, I guess I do need to call Kathy and schedule an appointment. Great....another appointment to add to my already full calendar of doctor appointments.

I think I'm going to stop for now.

Sorry for writing such a downer post, but I needed to get all of this out!

Appointments

2011-06-17T13:28:00.003-05:00

Ok, I know I've been gone a while. I'm sorry about that. I'm 34w1d today and time has come to a screeching halt. It seemed like time was flying by for the past few weeks, but now I'm just cranky, huge, miserable, etc. I haven't updated because I often feel like I just write posts to whine, and no one wants to read about that. But....I'm going to whine anyway!

I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 17 weeks during this pregnancy. I have been occasionally checking my blood sugars and watching my diet very well. Everything seemed to be going well until a couple of weeks ago I just felt "off." I decided to check my blood sugar and it was over 200!! (Just for reference, it's supposed to be below 120 two hours after I eat.) I continued checking my sugars and they were consistently high, so I called Dr. DeRosa. He referred me to my old high risk doctor, Dr. Webb. Unfortunately, he was booked for the next two weeks, so I wasn't able to go in and see him until yesterday.

Dr. Webb said that my sugars were high, but my glucose meter was old. So, he gave me a new meter and told me to monitor my sugars over the weekend. I have been keeping my carbohydrates down and my protein up, but my sugars are still high. I'm supposed to fax in my numbers on Monday morning and wait for the office to call me back. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to start taking an insulin medicine called Glyburide. I'm not sure if it's a shot or a pill, but I'm hoping for a pill. I'm already testing my blood sugar four times a day and taking a daily shot of Lovenox. I will switch to Heparin, which is two additional shots a day, within the next two weeks. I honestly feel like a human pincushion. At least I am still fitting in with the name of my blog!

Anyway, if I start the Glyburide, I will have to go in for NST's (non-stress tests), BPP (biophysical profiles) and monitoring twice a week. Each time I go in for monitoring it takes 2-3 hours...and I can't have the kids with me. I'm hoping that my babysitter will be able to help out until both kids are in camp during the month of July. As of now, only E5 is in camp and I have Elizabeth with me all day. Only two more weeks of having Elizabeth at home, so hopefully it won't be too bad.

I had a regular appointment with Dr. DeRosa this past Tuesday (3 days ago). He confirmed my induction date of July 20th, so it's nice to have a d-day down on the books. I'm hoping that I make it to my induction because we have tickets to see U2 on July 17th and I REALLY want to go! I was also told to start coming in every week from now until the end of my pregnancy. So, more appointments. :( I know that being monitored so closely is good for the baby, but I feel like every spare minute is being spent at the dr's office!

I had my first NST and BPP at my appt. with DeRosa. Baby wasn't cooperating during the NST, so I had to stay hooked up to the machine for the full hour. I also had to eat a bag of pretzels and drink some water because the baby kept falling asleep. I ended up passing the NST and then it was on to the BPP. The ultrasound showed that the baby weighs about 4 lb. 11 oz. and is in the 36th percentile. I, myself, am measuring a few weeks small, so I'm not too surprised that the baby is small too. I did get to see his cute little face and we even saw some hair on his head!

I guess I should also mention that I finished the baby's Christmas stocking! It took 12 weeks of working on it almost every day for 3 hours to get it finished, but I did it and it's now with the finisher to be put together. Hopefully, she can get it put together and get it back to me so that I can take baby #3's picture in it when we get home from the hospital after the birth. Now, I'm working on the new baby's Christmas ornament (which is also a little stocking) and a 2011 Christmas ornament.

The nursery is mostly finished, too! I ended up painting it a couple of weeks ago because my painter flaked on me. She was supposed to come two weeks ago to hang a wall border around the nursery, but I haven't heard from her, so I guess I need to start calling other people. The furniture looks nice and I'm really pleased with the bedding. I will try to remember to take some pictures and post them on here. I've been bad about posting pictures on here these past few months....sorry about that.

So, that's the update for now. I'm feeling tired and run down pretty much all the time, so it's hard to keep up with the kids, housework, blogging, picture projects, etc. Hopefully, I will feel all "caught up" before July 20th! :)

M.I.A.

2011-06-01T12:31:00.002-05:00

Generallly, when I don't post, it means that things are going well. The past week and a half have been pretty good. After sending the email to my dad telling him that I thought it was best that we not communicate, I INSTANTLY felt better. I was able to sleep the next 11 nights without taking any Ambien....YAY!! I really thought that things were going well.... E5 had his last day of preschool at Lucky Lane on May 26th and we had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend with the family. We went to the zoo, went swimming, played outside, BBQ'd, etc. But then my dad's birthday snuck up on me.

I wrestled with my thoughts all day on May 29th (my dad's birthday) on whether or not I should call my dad. By 9:00 p.m. I had worked myself into an almost panicked state, so I decided to send him a birthday text. It said, "Eddie, Elizabeth, Eddie and I hope you had a good birthday." I decided on the text because when E4's birthday happened (on May 4th), not a single family member called him to tell him happy birthday. My dad did send him a gift certificate, so I sent my dad a gift certificate to Golfsmith. I'm glad I acknowledged his birthday, but I still have no desire to talk to him. I never heard a response from him....which is what I expected. E4 received a vague email from my dad, which thanked him for the gift card, so I'm happy to know he received it.

I wasn't able to sleep last night, either. I was up until 1:30 and I was finally able to get a few hours of sleep. It wasn't great sleep, but it was better than nothing. I'm not really sure why I'm so worked up, but I am. I wanted to get up and blog last night, but I didn't want the computer to wake up E4, so I'm just now getting around to it now.

I will be 32 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I had my 32-week appointment today, which went well. I've gained 16 pounds and probably won't gain much more than a pound or two....I just don't have any room in my stomach to eat much these days! My blood pressure was a little elevated, but I'm chalking it up to being stressed out again over my family, being anxious about baby furniture getting delivered, being anxious about finishing the stocking, painting the nursery, etc. I feel like I have a lot of things I need to get done before baby #3 gets here, and I don't have a lot of time.

I also think I'm having a tough time this week, because I was originally supposed to be down in Alabama this week visiting my family. This is the only free week that the kids and I have until the baby gets here, and we were supposed to go see my family. Obviously, the trip never happened, so I guess it's just one more thing my parents will "hang over me" later on down the road.

The closer I get to my due date, the more angry I get. I have been trying to be cool, calm and collected during all of this family drama, but I finally feel like I'm about to explode. I think it might be helpful for me to type out a list of things that have me so angry, so here goes....

I'm mad because....

* My mother hasn't bothered to ask me how I am doing since the second week of March, when I was 19 weeks pregnant.

* I drove down to my sister's wedding and my parents treated me and my family worse than criminals.

* My parents aren't speaking to me and I don't know why.

* My dad tried to communicate through emails, but there were always "jabs" towards me, so I felt the need to tell him to stop contacting me.

* This whole family fight was really between me and Rebecca....So why is everyone else not speaking to me?

* My parents didn't even acknowledge my existence on Mother's Day (after I struggled for 2 years to have biological children).

* My third child is going to be born next month and I'm going to look like the "bad guy" if I don't call my family when he arrives.

* It's summer vacation and my parents aren't making any attempt to see my children.

* My youngest sister was such a self-righteoous brat before her wedding, that now my whole family has been turned upside down.

* I have spent so much money on counseling/therapy because of all the family drama.

* The fight with my family has kept me from truly enjoying the last half of my final pregnancy.

* I have had to fear for the life of my unborn baby because of the stress/anxiety brought on by my family over the past 12 weeks.

* Elizabeth's baptismal gown is at my parents' house and I have no way to get it before baby #3 gets baptized.

* My husband is working crazy-long hours and I feel very alone.

* I'm too tired to play with my kids as much as I want/need.

* I am not going to have any help when baby #3 gets here.

* My parents have treated me so horribly over the past 21 years that I feel the need to completely cut myself off from them....permanently.

Basically, I'm just angry at everything right now. Maybe I'm just feeling this way because I'm so tired, but maybe it really is how I'm feeling. I don't know. I don't really want to go talk to Kathy again because I feel like we are just going to rehash everything. I know that it's ok to not talk to my parents right now. I just hate not knowing how long it's going to last. I know that I have nothing for which I need to apologize, yet my family is waiting on me to pick up the phone, apologize and come crawling back to them. I'm not going to do it.

I can't go through all of the emotional abuse any more.

Oh my goodness. I finally said it. Yes, my parents have emotionally abused me for years. Kathy and I have talked about it, but I've never blogged about it. I know that my parents love me. I also know that there have been some good times with my family, but there have been a lot of bad times. My parents have emotionally abused me for YEARS. I am 32 (almost 33) years old and I don't have to take it any more! I am finally strong enough to stand up to them....I have to! For the sake of my kids and my nuclear family, I need to separate myself from my parents....maybe for good...I don't know.

Wow, I'm emotionally drained. To those of you that actually read this, I'm really sorry. This entry was for me. It felt GREAT to finally type everything out. Hopefully, I won't stay away so long before I post again.

Relief....Finally!

2011-05-20T17:18:00.001-05:00

Well, I finally did it. I sent my dad an email saying that it was best for me and my family that we not have any contact right now. I told him that if there was an emergency (or that if he felt a need to contact me), to please do so through my husband. I haven't been blogging as much because I have really had a rough week. I received an email from my dad on Monday, which was probably my lowest day during the past 10 weeks. Getting his email kind of "sent me over the edge" and I had a massive anxiety/panic attack.

I have struggled all week with wondering whether or not my dad would continue emailing me. We did exchange a few emails this week, which were mostly civil, but I was having a hard time dealing with my reactions to his emails. Fortunately, E4 helped me compose my responses, so I didn't say anything that I would later regret....In fact, I didn't really say what I wanted to say at all. I purposely left my email responses very vague, so as not to give him any "ammunition" against me.

I scheduled a meeting with my counselor, Kathy, this morning. I was a little nervous because I couldn't find a babysitter. I was convinced that I was going to have to cancel my appt., but I begged E4 to stay home with Elizabeth and he agreed. I went to my appt. and I'm SO glad that I did.

I sobbed and sobbed to Kathy. I told her that I couldn't handle the "emotional rollercoaster" that I have been on for the past 10 weeks. Some days I'm fine, and other days I'm not. The constant "up and down" has taken it's toll on me, my kids and my relationship with my husband. I'm a mess.

I think Kathy sensed my desperation and she seemed genuinely shocked at the amount of anxiety I was showing her while I was there. (I could barely talk/breathe because I was so upset.) I told her that not knowing if/when my dad was going to contact/email me was creating so much stress that I haven't been able to function. I told her that I felt like the boundaries I had given to my dad were blurred and that I needed to be more concrete and defined. She asked if I wanted him to stop communicating all together and I said, "Yes!" I was surprised by my answer, but I felt SO much better when I said it. She then advised me to send an email to my dad, so I did.

I'm pretty sure that my dad will show the email to my mom and the rest of my family, but I can't control that. What he does is his business and not mine. I hate that it has come to this, but I really feel like I need to reduce my stress before the baby gets here, which is less than 9 weeks away.

I still have a lot of anger towards my dad, mom and family, but at least I am not acting on that anger. I'm finding that blogging, talking with E4, talking with Kathy and talking with a couple of choice friends has really helped me to remain calm. I honestly don't think that things will be resolved before the baby gets here, and I'm ok with that. I have been trying to prepare myself mentally for that situation, and I think that I've done a pretty good job. I realize that my family will probably hurt by my actions today, but I needed to do this for myself and my family.

When the baby DOES get here, I will probably have E4 send out an email to my family (or at least my parents), but I do not plan on calling them. I will call my grandmother, as we have maintained a good relationship by talking on the phone every week or so since my sister's wedding. I'm sure she will relay the news to my mom, as I know they talk every night.

So, I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer need to cringe or tense up every time I see that I have a new email. I don't need to wonder about what my dad is going to say that is going to hurt me. Hopefully, he will respect my wishes and not contact me, like I have asked.

Only time will tell!

Lucky Lane Family Day

2011-05-16T11:00:00.002-05:00

Today was "Family Day" at E5's preschool. We have been talking about it since last week and I let Eddie know that i was REALLY excited about coming. I even managed to send Elizabeth to an extra day of PDO today so that I could focus just on Eddie. In short, I was really pumped and looking forward to going.

But it didn't go like I expected. I left the program in tears. Here's what happened.

I dropped Elizabeth off at PDO at 8:30 and then Eddie and I headed to Lucky Lane. We were there a few minutes early, but the teachers had activities to keep the kids busy. I watched Eddie make a sunflower out of construction paper and then he made me a bracelet out of a pipe cleaner and some beads. So far, so good. Things quickly went downhill as soon as other kids/parents started arriving.

Eddie ran around the room like a mad man. He started flailing his arms, speaking in baby talk (words that no one could understand) and then he started bothering the other kids. A group of his classmates were playing with Legos and Eddie ran over, knocked everything down and started taking the Lego's apart. Eddie then ran from one activity to another throwing beads, spilling glitter, kicking Legos, etc. I was mortified.

I was able to calm him down when we had some cookies that the kids had made for us last week. As soon as he finished his cookie, he threw a fit for another one. Fortunately, it was time to go outside and play. E5 kept to himself in the sandbox while the other kids played together by playing tag, playing on the swing set, sliding, etc. A couple of girls came over to see what Eddie was doing and he took old rain water that had collected in some of the sand toys and dumped it on himself and the girls. Again, I was mortified.

After playing outside for 15 minutes, it was time for everyone to go to music class. I have been told that Eddie is a very enthusiastic participant in music class (which warms MY heart), so I was really excited to go. Once we got to the music room, Eddie turned into a wild man. He shook his head back and forth, flailed his arms and spit as he screamed unintelligible words. He refused to participate in the actions that the other kids were doing while singing the songs. Basically, he was completely out of control and I didn't know what to do.

I tried my best to keep my composure, but I know what all the other moms, dads and grandparents were thinking.....I must be the worst mother in the world. Why can't I get my kid under control?!?!?!?

Fortunately, the Family Day program was only an hour. The kids all returned to their classroom and sang an "I love you" song to the parents. All of the kids sang it, except Eddie. I gave him a kiss and a hug right before I left, but it was hard not to just start screaming at him. I quickly went back to my car and immediately started sobbing.

Why was he so bad? Why won't he listen? What am I doing wrong? How did I fail as a parent? All the other kids were SO good. Clearly, I need to change some things, but I just don't know what I need to change. I feel like my life is completely upside down right now. I'm sure Eddie is picking up on this and that's probably why he is acting out, but I don't know how to change it. I'm trying to keep my patience with him, but it's so hard.

I feel like my life is crumbling around me and I'm standing in the middle......powerless.

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-08T22:12:00.003-05:00

Today was Mother's Day, and it was another wonderful day thanks to my sweet husband and children. I got to sleep in until 7:30 and then we all had a family breakfast here at the house. The kids had pancakes and I had my usual scrambled egg whites and strawberries (because of my gestational diabetes). After breakfast, we all got ready for church and I opened up my Mother's Day gift. I received a Tiffany's necklace with 3 hearts on it....A silver heart from Eddie, a rose heart from Elizabeth and a silver heart from the baby. The rose heart is in between the two silver hearts....Just like we have joked that Elizabeth with be a "rose between two thorns." We then took a couple of pictures and headed off to church. E5 resumed Sunday School while Elizabeth went to the nursery.

After church, we took a family trip to the grocery store and then had lunch at Quiznos. We then headed to T.J. Maxx to kill some time before naps. I then got a pedicure while the kids napped. After my pedicure, I went to Tiffany's to get a shorter chain for my necklace because the original chain was just a smidge too long. I then raced home to E4 could go out to play tennis.

While E4 was gone, I spent the afternoon getting ready for dinner tonight. E4 invited his dad and youngest brother over for dinner tonight, which was nice, but it also meant I had to do a lot more work. Since it was Mother's Day I chose to have mexican food, so I made fajitas and a homemade roasted salsa. It's one of my favorite meals, but it takes a good 2 hours to prep everything. It was a lot of work, but I was happy to do it!

E4 got home around 4:20 and helped my clean the house, patio and front porch. My FIL and BIL arrived at 5:00 and we had queso with chips for an appetizer. Eddie grilled the fajitas while I cooked the onions and peppers inside. The weather was absolutely PERFECT, although I didn't get out to enjoy it much. Even though I was inside (while everyone else was outside), I really enjoyed watching the kids play with their grandfather and have a good time outside.

Dinner went off without a hitch (except that I forgot to cook the refried beans) and everyone was out the door a little after 7:00. E4 bathed the kids for me (YAY!!!!!) while I showered and called my grandmother. We then relaxed in the basement and watched Modern Family and Desperate Housewives. All in all, it was a GREAT day!

I do have to admit that I am a little bummed that I never heard from my mom. I called her on my way to church and left her a message telling her I hoped she had a happy mother's day and that I loved her. I thought SURELY she (or at least my dad) would call me back....especially after receiving an email from my dad on Friday saying he would like to hear from me. It honestly hurts a little that my parents can't even call their daughter, who struggled to get pregnant for almost 2 years, to tell her happy mother's day. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, but I'm still hurt. Oh well.

Other than occasionally thinking about my mom, it was a great day! :)

Bleh

2011-05-02T11:50:00.002-05:00

The past few days have been pretty rough, which is why I haven't posted. My mom's birthday is today and I have been dreading today for a while. I started getting in a bad mood over the weekend, and unfortunately, took it out on my family. Things were especially bad yesterday morning because I didn't take an Ambien on Saturday night. I would have taken one, but we stayed up to watch SNL, and we didn't get to bed until 11:30, which was too late to take an Ambien. It took me a while to fall asleep and then I woke up at 2:00 a.m. I tossed and turned for 1 1/2 hours and finally just got out of bed. I went downstairs, dinked on the iPad for a few hours (researching cameras and lenses) and finally made it back to bed around 5:00 a.m. Again, it took me a while to fall asleep and then the kids were up a little before 7:00. :( I was running on fumes most of the day.

E4 went into work on Sunday morning and I stayed home with the kids. Normally, we would have gone to church, but I told Eddie to go ahead and get work out of the way because I wanted to be able to get out of the house during the afternoon. He left, I was tired and in a bad mood and the kids were bored....not a good combination.

I guess you could say I had a complete and total meltdown around 9:15 when E5 used the potty and Elizabeth followed him into the bathroom while I was changing laundry. She started playing in the toilet, putting toys in and out, playing with poop and just generally made a mess. When I figured out what was going on, I just started sobbing and saying, "I can't do this. I didn't sign up for this." I kept saying it over and over while I cleaned the bathroom. Poor E5 didn't understand why I was upset, so he kept offering to help. I thanked him and apologized for being a bad mommy. He just looked at me and said, "You're not a bad mommy. You're a good mommy." This, of course, made me cry even more. I don't understand how he can be so sweet when I am so awful and yell all the time.

I finally calmed down and went about my business of reorganizing the basement storage room. I started this project when we got back from Florida because we need to make room for baby #3. I rearranged all of the boxes and then I moved the dresser out of the guest bedroom into the storage room. I also moved my sewing desk over to make room for E4's office furniture. My plan is to hire some movers this week to help move his office furniture from the upstairs bedroom down to the basement. I want to get it done so that I can paint the nursery, hang curtains, hang darkening shades, etc. I also need to get it done because I'm only getting bigger and more uncomfortable, so the sooner I can finish "nesting", the better off I'll be in the long run!

Anyway, I finished moving furniture around in the basement and then I moved Eddie's chair from his office to our bedroom. By this point, I was exhausted. I tried to lay down and take a nap, but it never happened. The kids were waking up from their naps and E4 was returning home from work. So, I hopped in the shower and then we took a family trip to the grocery store before heading out to dinner.

We all had dinner out at Bellerive for E4's 35th birthday. His birthday isn't until Wednesday, but Sunday night was the best night to celebrate with all of his brothers and dad. It was a nice dinner, but it was long. We usually get in and out of dinner in an hour, but we were there for an hour and 45 minutes....YIKES! The kids were totally melting down, so I was relieved when we were finally able to go home.

So, now it's Monday. It's my mom's birthday (and my MIL's birthday) and we still aren't speaking. I have been stressing out about whether or not I should call, text, send an email or do nothing. I decided at 8:30 this morning to call and I got lucky....she wasn't home (or at least she didn't answer). I left a message on the answering machine telling her happy birthday and that I hoped she had a nice day. I don't plan on calling her again for a while.

I guess I'm glad I called. I didn't really want to, but I also didn't want to give my family more ammunition to hang over my head. I just hate that I'm ALWAYS the one who has to "take the higher road" and make the first phone call. I guess I should be happy that the phone call is over with, though.

The weather is icky over here, which isn't helping my mood. Hopefully, I'll snap out of my funk soon.

Awesome Vacation!!

2011-04-27T15:01:00.003-05:00

I can honestly say that our trip to the beach was one of the best trips I've ever taken! I don't know if it's because things have been so stressful at home, because it was Elizabeth first trip to the beach, because it was our second vacation in over 4 years, or just because it was awesome for no reason. The bottom line is that our vacation was AWESOME!!

We left early Friday morning. I was nervous about leaving because there were a lot of thunderstorms in the area, but everything worked out fine. I woke up (because of the storms) at 3:00 a.m. and never got back to sleep. I got up at 4:00 a.m., showered, and had the van loaded and we were on our way to the airport by 5:10 a.m. My FIL rode with us and drove our van back home so we wouldn't have to pay for a full 5 days of parking at the airport. We made it through security with no problems and walked right onto the plane.

The plane ride down was a breeze. We left at 6:35 a.m. It was a little over 2 hours and the kids did great. They were a little sleepy, so the first 1 1/2 hours went smoothly. The last 30 minutes were a little tense because Elizabeth got tired of being on the plane, but all in all, the kids did great.

We landed at 9:40 and were on the road in our rental car by 10:30. We then got to Gaga's house right at noon. She had lunch ready and waiting for us, so again, everything was really easy. After lunch, we loaded the kids up and took them down to the beach. This was Elizabeth's first trip to the beach, so I took lots of pictures (which are posted on Facebook). E5 and Elizabeth were both a little nervous around the ocean, so we then went up to the John's Island kiddie pool, which they LOVED. We stayed there for about an hour and then went home to let the kids have a little cat nap. After their naps, we took a little walk around my MIL's neighborhood and then played in my MIL's pool.

I headed to the shower while E4 bathed and fed the kids their dinner! This turned out to be a HUGE treat for me!! (Actually, my MIL and husband took care of feeding the kids every night, so I got a break, which was AMAZING!!!!) After the kids ate dinner, we put them to bed and went out. My MIL stayed at home (because she doesn't like to go out) and listened out for the kids while we went to the pasta night buffet at the Beach Club. After diner, we stayed out for drinks at the Beach Club Bar, called The Rafters. We had had a long day, so we were back home and in bed by 9:45 p.m.

The next morning (Saturday), we received messages from my FIL saying that there was a tornado that had come through St. Louis and destroyed part of the airport. He was supposed to fly out and meet us on Saturday, but the airport was closed, so he couldn't come. My MIL was very distraught by all of this news, so we started out the day kind of tense. Things seemed to ease up a bit when we took the kids to the John's Island Easter Egg Hunt.

The club "hid" 15,009 easter eggs on the 18th hole of the golf course. The kids had a blast collecting eggs, meeting the Easter Bunny, playing in a bounce house and sliding down a giant wavy slide. There was also a continental breakfast, face painting, a magic show and professional pictures with the Easter Bunny. We stayed for about 2 hours and had a great time. The weather was perfect (sunny and 82 degrees), so we all had fun.

We put the kids down for early naps on Saturday because they were tired from traveling the day before. E4 and his mom went out to play tennis and I took a nap and worked on the baby's stocking. After naps, we all went back down to the beach and pool at the club house. We stayed for a couple of hours and had lots of fun collecting shells, playing in the sand, relaxing by the pool and swimming.

Once again, I showered and got cleaned up while E4 and my MIL fed the kids and gave them baths. We put the kids down for bed a little before 7:00 because they were tired and because we had 7:15 reservations at a nice French restaurant called Maison Martinique. I had a tomato and goat cheese salad, french onion soup and a grill trio of beef, lamb and venison. E4 had gravlox, french onion soup and grilled venison. The food was delicious, but what made it taste even better was knowing that my MIL was at the house watching the kids AND she gave us her credit card to pay for dinner!! After dinner, we went back to The Rafters for a night cap and dessert. This time, we stayed out until 10:30 p.m. Eddie enjoyed key lime pie and I had a chocolate cake dessert with raspberry sorbet. When we came home, we put out Easter baskets for the kids, hid Easter eggs and then went to bed.

On Sunday (Easter), the kids woke up and immediately ran out to see if the Easter Bunny had come to visit them in Florida.....He did! They each had a basket of M&M's, chocolate coins, books, and there were eggs hidden all over the house. This was the first time that the Easter Bunny had ever hidden the eggs while the kids were sleeping....They LOVED it, so I think we may have started a new tradition! :) Anyway, the kids had a blast finding eggs, eating breakfast outside on Gaga's back patio and playing around the pool. We then got into our Easter clothes and went to a little Methodist Church called Christ By the Sea for Easter morning services. My MIL stayed home, but I'm still glad our immediate family went to church. It was a very nice service.

After church, we went back to my MIL's house and go the call that my FIL was able to get on a flight and had just landed in Orlando, so he would be joining us for Easter brunch. We all changed into some more casual clothes, played around the house (in a fort that my MIL had built for the kids) and then we went back to the Beach Club for Brunch. We had fancy cheeses, fruit, pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs benedict, muffins, french toast and cereals to choose from...It was all DELICIOUS! To top it all off, the table next to us was celebrating a birthday with cupcakes. Elizabeth saw them and started screaming, "CUPCAKES!! PLEEEEEEASE!!" The people next to us thought she was adorable, so they shared their cupcakes with the kids, which made them VERY happy.

After Brunch, the kids took naps. My FIL did yard work, I worked on the stocking and my husband and MIL played tennis. After naps, we went back to the beach and the pool at the club house. It was really nice having my FIL down there with us. My inlaws and husband took care of the kids and I was able to sit on a beach chair, relax and enjoy some sun! After an hour at the beach, we headed back up towards the pools. With my FIL with us, we were able to take the kids into the big pool, which they LOVED. We taught the kids how to hold their breath, blow bubbles, and kick their legs in the water. I think they are going to be ready to start swim lessons this summer. YIPPEE!!

After swimming, we all went back to my MIL's house, cleaned up, and enjoyed a light dinner of sandwiches at the house. We let the kids stay up a little bit later, but had them in bed by 7:45. Once again, Eddie and I went back out to The Rafters while my inlaws stayed at home and listened for the kids. We only stayed out until 9:15, but were still happy to go out, not have to worry about a babysitter AND get free drinks. We split a margherita pizza and Eddie had a glass of wine.

Monday was our last official day of vacation. The kids, my husband and my FIL had breakfast on the back patio of the house while I stayed inside and talked with my MIL. We talked about my family situation and the stress that has been surrounding me because of it. We talked a little bit about actually talking to my mom some time soon. I kept telling my MIL that I'm just not ready, but she didn't really understand. She had a GREAT relationship with her mother, so she can't even fathom not speaking to my mom for more than a day. I guess we are just at different places and I still feel that I need to do what is best for me and my family, which is to not have any communication with my mom right now.

My MIL stayed at home while my FIL, husband, myself and the kids all went to the beach and pool again. There were a couple of rain storms, but they never lasted more than a couple of minutes. We spent about 45 minutes on the beach collecting shells and playing in the sand and then we went back to the beach club to play in the pool for an hour or so. We had a light lunch back at the house and then Eddie and my FIL played golf while my MIL went to the store. I stayed at the house while the kids napped and got our return tickets home in order and played around on Facebook. After naps, we headed back to the beach and pools for one last time. We didn't stay too long because we had early dinner reservations at one of our favorite restaurants, The Ocean Grill.

Once again, my husband took care of bathing the kids while I got ready for dinner. We were at dinner by 6:15 and it was DELICIOUS! We had their bubbling crab dip, salads, various seafood dishes and I had a steak. And once again, my in-laws paid for dinner, so it was especially nice! After dinner, we put the kids to bed and went to dinner for one last hurrah at The Rafters. I had the chocolate cake dessert with raspberry sorbet again and Eddie just had a couple of drinks. It was SO much fun sitting out on patio, listening to the ocean and feeling the breeze every night. I'm really going to miss it!

Tuesday was our travel day back home. Eddie took the kids out for one last swim in our in-law's pool and I stayed inside to get ready. We got packed up, bathed and were out the door by 9:40. We had plenty of time for our drive back to the airport, so it was nice not to have to rush. The return flight was a little stressful because once we boarded the plane, we were told that our flight attendants were delayed on another flight. We sat on the un-airconditioned plane for 40 extra minutes, which was tough on the kids. We finally took off at 2:10 p.m. and we were back in St. Louis by 3:15 p.m. Elizabeth had a tough time on the flight back because it was during her nap, but she didn't get to sleep. She had several mini meltdowns, but nothing that lasted more than a few minutes at a time.

My FIL had left our van parked in covered parking, so we were able to get our bags and get to our van pretty quickly. We made a quick stop at the grocery store on the way home (for milk, bread, and a few other essentials), but we were back home by a little after 5:00. We got everything unpacked, the kids fed, bathed and down for bed by 6:45. I was worried that the bedtime was a little early, but they were both asleep within 5 minutes of being put down for bed. Eddie and I were then able to shower, heat up a pizza and relax a little in the basement.

We were pretty tired, too, so we were upstairs and in bed by 9:45. I did take 1/4 of an Ambien and I was able to sleep all the way through the night (my first time to do that in a week). I didn't sleep well on our trip because we shared a room with E5 and he woke up early every morning (between 5:30 and 6:00 a.m.) because he was excited we were all in the same room. Anyway, I got a full night of sleep and I'm feeling pretty good.

All in all, it was a great vacation. The only time we had to open our wallets was to pay for the rental car. The airplane tickets, food, drinks, Easter goodies, etc. were all covered by my in-laws. It was my first truly relaxing vacation I have had since we started having children 3 1/2 years ago. It was so nice not to worry about feeding the kids at night (during their witching hour), getting a babysitter, paying for food, etc. and all while getting time to nap, relax on the beach, relax at the pool, let someone else watch the kids for me, etc. It truly was an awesome vacation!! :)

Hitting a wall

2011-04-21T13:59:00.003-05:00

I think I have finally hit a wall. I have been going, going, going for the past few weeks and it has finally caught up with me! I didn't sleep very well last night (even though I took 1/4 of an Ambien) because I knew I had to get up early to print our Southwest boarding passes. We are flying out tomorrow morning to go visit my MIL in Vero Beach, Florida. Our flight is at 6:35 a.m., so I had to get up early to print our passes. Whenever I have to get up early, I NEVER sleep well the night before. I actually woke up 3 different times during the night and was worried that I had missed my opportunity to get a good boarding pass. At 5:45 this morning, I got up, turned on Eddie's computer and started to go to Southwest's website, but then I realized that I was still an hour early....UGH! So, I've actually been up today since a little before 5:00 a.m. and now I'm TIRED!!

I hate that there are so many things to do before going on a trip. Laundry, packing, cleaning the house, packing the kids, paying bills, cleaning the cat litter box, setting out enough food/water for the cat, arranging for a neighbor to get our mail, downloading movies/activities onto our iPads for the kids, etc. The list just goes on and on. I also want to pack fun little bags for the kids to help keep them entertained on the plane, but I don't have any "fun stuff" around the house. I guess we will be making a trip to Michaels and/or the mall this afternoon.

Anyway, I had a MOPS meeting this morning, so I lost a lot of time to get things done. I had thought about skipping the meeting, but I'm really glad I went. Our speaker was the the Associate Pastor from our church, Pastor Seban, and he did a great job talking to us about the meaning behind so many Easter traditions. I learned that we hide eggs because eggs symbolize new life and because in medieval times, eggs were forbidden during Lent. On Easter, big feasts were cooked with mostly egg dishes to celebrate being able to have eggs again. Pretty cool, huh?

I really should be packing now, but I figured I would update the blog one last time before our trip. We will be gone Friday through Tuesday, so I probably won't be updating much (or at all) while I am gone. My plan is to relax, get outside, swim and enjoy the warm weather and sun while I am gone. I am going to leave all of my "family troubles" at home and just have a good time. Hopefully, my mind will let me do that!

Happy Easter to all of my friends out there! :)

Counseling #5

2011-04-20T13:06:00.002-05:00

I had my fifth session with Kathy today. I *almost* cancelled it yesterday morning because I had been having such a good week. But after talking with my grandmother, the bubbling up of old emotions and anxiety, the anger and the frustrations rearing their heads, I'm glad that I kept it.

I told Kathy about the call with my grandmother yesterday. She told me that I had every right to be mad. She asked me where I felt "tension" and I realized it was all in my chest. She said that my breathing was very labored while I was telling the story and that my shoulders got higher and higher with tension. It was amazing to sit back and realize that just TALKING about my family can bring out such strong physical reactions.

Kathy helped me realize that what my family says, does, thinks and feels is not within my control. I can't control what they say about me or how they feel towards me. I told her that I was considering calling my family on Easter (or at least sending them an email) to tell them Happy Easter, but now I don't want to. She suggested leaving a message on my family's answering machine while they are at church on Sunday morning, but I don't want to do that either. Just the thought of calling my family makes me incredibly tense. I told her that I did go buy a couple of Easter cards yesterday and I mailed one to my grandmother and one to my family. I know they will get the cards before Easter, but I wanted to make sure they got them. Knowing my family, receiving a card won't be good enough (in terms of communicating), but it's the best that I can do right now.

Anyway, the session was a good one and I'm glad that I kept my appointment. I am nervous about Easter approaching this weekend because I know that my grandmother will tell my mom (who will tell the rest of my family) that we are going to be in Florida. We have had this trip planned down to Florida for several months, but I have never mentioned it to my family. I'm pretty sure they are not going to be happy to hear about my spending Easter with my MIL, but again, I can't control how they feel/think. I'm also nervous about Easter arriving because that means I can start posting on Facebook again. I have blocked all family members from even viewing my Facebook page, so they won't be able to spy on me anymore. I'm sure it won't take them long to figure this out because if they try to search for me, my page won't even come up.

I was feeling good after my session but then I got an email from my dad. It said:

"This is from Margaret's Facebook post. I know that you do not communicate with us at this time, but I thought that you might like to know this. Hopefully you will be back in touch soon.

Love,
Dad (YFFMPF)

Margaret Hudson Ferrell

This Friday I will say goodbye to an old friend. Madison, our 14 year old Sheltie, will be released from her debilitating battle with arthritis. She has seen me through my high school, college, and vet school graduations, my marriage of 9 years to Clark, the birth of our 2 children, ages 4 and 1, and..."

I was tempted to respond to my dad's email, but I think I'm just going to ignore it. I feel like he could have given me the message about Madison without adding anything else about my communication with the family. If he had done that, I would have at least thanked him for the message. Instead, I am going to send a private email to Margaret and let her know that I am sorry for her loss.

The not communicating right now is a two-way street. The only person who has tried communicating with me is my dad, but his communications always have some kind of "jab" in them. I have communicated birthday wishes to people who have had birthdays and now I will communicate condolences on the loss of a pet. Other than that, I don't feel there needs to be any additional communication. I have nothing that I want to share with my family, which is why I am not calling them on the phone. Clearly, they don't have anything they want to communicate with me because I haven't received in communication from them in over 5 weeks.

To wrap things up, I learned that yes, the wounds my family have caused me are still very raw and that I need more time to let them heal. I have also learned that even though my family creates a physical tension in me, my recovery time is getting better.....so I am definitely making progress!! Five weeks ago, I wouldn't be able to talk about all of this without breaking down and crying, but now I realize that I can only control what I think and feel....not what everyone else thinks and feels. So, like I've been saying for the past few weeks, I am doing what is best for me and my family......and I'm VERY happy about that! :)

So MAD....

2011-04-19T12:44:00.002-05:00

I am so mad right now that I am literally in tears and shaking. I shouldn't be mad, but I am. Here is how it all unfolded....

I called my grandmother today while I was on my way to pick up E5 from school. I had 30 minutes to kill after Elizabeth's music class, so I thought calling my grandmother would be a good way to pass the time, catch up with her, etc. I usually call her once a week (or every 10 days) just to check in. As of now, she is the only family member that I have been speaking with on a regular basis.

Anyway, we chatted about her church, yard work, getting things done around the house and then she tells me that she hates to bring something up, but her heart tells her that she needs to talk to me. (I knew what was coming and I suddenly got very tense.) She told me that she hated that she was the only family member that I was talking to. She also said that telling my family not to have any contact with me "wasn't right." I was FURIOUS. I NEVER told my family not to contact me. My family and I aren't speaking to each other but that's because no one has chosen to communicate. The only person who has even tried contacting me during the past 5 weeks has been my dad. The last thing I told him, which was in an email, was "I received your voicemail messages during the past week. I still need some time to reflect. Thank you for telling me about Grandmother. I will be sure to call her and make sure everything is ok. -Jenn" I'm sorry, but WHERE in that email does it say no one is allowed to contact me?

I don't really want to talk to my family, but it really upsets me that someone has been telling my grandmother that I told the family they weren't allowed to talk to me. Fortunately, I kept calm with my grandmother and told her that I never said those things. I also told her that I was doing what was best for me and my immediate family. I told her that I loved my family and that going to Rebecca's wedding was very hard because me and my family were treated so poorly by the rest of my family.

Hearing my grandmother talk to me, sob to me, and beg me to start speaking with my family again really irked me. This is just another example of my family twisting things around, putting words in my mouth and getting involved in business that they never should have been a part of. My relationship with my grandmother should be between me and my grandmother....not me, my grandmother and the rest of my family.

The "guilt" that my family tries to force onto people (me) is unreal. I am doing the best that I can. I am talking to my grandmother because she has done nothing to upset me. I'm not talking to her to spite the rest of my family. She was the ONLY person who was nice to me when I was in Birmingham for my sister's wedding, so I am choosing to maintain a relationship with her. Again, I am doing what is best for me. I know this sounds selfish, but if I don't take care of myself first, I can't take care of my family, my relationship with God or anyone else. So, I guess I'm going to be selfish for a while.

I had been toying with the idea of calling my family on Easter, but I don't think I'm going to at this point. The wounds are too fresh and I haven't had enough time to heal. I can't let them manipulate me into having an unhealthy relationship with them.

Ugh.....

Nesting

2011-04-18T22:28:00.004-05:00

I think it's safe to say that I'm a pretty intense person. Most of you probably know this by now (either because you know me in person or because you have gotten to know me over the internet). Anyway, when I "nest" during a pregnancy, it comes in spurts. I never know when it's going to hit, how long it's going to last, or what I'm going to do, but I have come to accept that it happens.

When I was pregnant with E5, my husband came home from work one day to find me standing on my kitchen island and dusting the top of the light hanging over the island. I had been dusting things that day that I had never dusted before....EVER. That nesting spurt lasted a couple of days. I did lots of dusting, organized the garage and painted E5's room.

During Elizabeth's pregnancy I rearranged the furniture in our newly finished basement. Our basement was finished in July of 2009 and I didn't like where I told the movers to put the bed and dresser. So, I was about 32 weeks pregnant and I rearranged the room all by myself. It wasn't hard because the floor was carpeted and the furniture had only been in place about a week (not enough time to put permanent grooves in the carpet).

Well, the nesting bug has definitely hit me a little earlier with this pregnancy. I was cleaning our bathroom yesterday just after lunch and then I decided that I didn't like how the furniture was arranged in our master bedroom. E4 had gone into the office for the afternoon and the kids were playing well together, so I decided to start moving furniture. I spent almost 4 hours moving every single piece of furniture in our bedroom. Heck, I even moved the rug so that it would be centered in the room with the new furniture configuration. All in all, it wasn't too bad. The only hard thing was the king size bed. I could barely move the darn thing! I finally got smart and took the headboard apart and was able to rotate the bed without too much trouble. I even dusted all the baseboards, vacuumed the entire rug (which is usually mostly covered by the bed) and mounted the mirror to our dresser (which had never been done in the 6 years of living in our house).

After I finished rearranging our room, I cleaned the rest of the bathrooms in the house and did 8 loads of laundry. Was I productive, or what?!?!?!? I then loaded up the kids and we all headed out to Bellerive for a family dinner with the rest of the Ernsts.

I didn't say anything to E4 about rearranging the room. I just waited until we got home and then I got his reaction. His response? He came upstairs, turned on the bedroom lights and said, "Wow, that's intense." He then turned off the lights and went back downstairs. He just kept saying "That's intense." over and over again. He finally asked what possessed me to change everything and I said, "I don't know....I must be nesting." I then told him that I wanted to paint the house. (I meant it, too.) E4 has put the brakes on my painting the house, so I guess I'l have to settle with painting just the nursery. I think I'll do it a la E5's nursery.....just wake up one day, go buy some paint, paint the room and not say anything. I just need to make sure it's a nice day so I can open the windows while I paint.

Today, I ran tons of errands, cut the grass and worked on the stocking. I'm pretty tired (physically), but I'm mentally wired. I've just taken 1/4 of an Ambien, so hopefully it will kick in soon. I guess my nesting bug is still in full effect....I might as well take advantage of it! :) Oh, and E4 DOES like the bedroom furniture placement better now!

Tomorrow is supposed to be "picture day" for the kids, but the weather might not cooperate. I'm having a friend take some pictures of the kids in their Easter clothes up at the park, but there are supposed to be thunderstorms in the area. Hopefully the rain will stay away long enough for us to get some good pictures!

Just call me Rapunzel

2011-04-17T14:35:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, E4 and I decided that we were going to buy the movie Tangled and let E5 watch it with us. We have never let him stay up late to watch a movie with us. We have always let him watch movies while Elizabeth has napped, or while she has been at school (because we don't want her to watch TV until she's at least 2 years old). Anyway, we decided that since E5 has been staying awake every night until almost 9:00, we would try letting him watch the movie.

We bought the movie at Barnes and Noble while we were out running errands, but we didn't tell E5 about "movie night" until just before dinner. E4 was getting dinner ready for the kids and I was cooking veal piccata and then I said, "How about we put Elizabeth to bed, let Eddie stay up and we can watch a movie?" You should have seen the look on Eddie's face! His eyes got really big, he started jumping up and down and then he started screaming. You would have thought that the kid had just won the lottery!

We had a nice family dinner and then we got Elizabeth down to bed just a little after 7:00. We then got the movie started by 7:15. Again, you would have thought that E5 won the lottery. We popped some popcorn, all shared a blanket and watched Tangled together. It was truly an awesome family moment!

Personally, I LOVED Tangled. The way that the mother/daughter relationship is portrayed in the movie really is spot-on to things that are going on between my mother and me. I especially liked the song "Mother Knows Best," as I could truly relate. As moms, we often think that we know what is best for our children, but often times, we don't. It's hard, but we have to let our kids grow up and become their own people. It really was a cute movie, and I especially thought it was appropriate for the situation with my family. I'm ready to get out and do things on my own (without being under the watchful (and often times disapproving) eyes of my family), so that's what I'm doing.

It looks like Rapunzel and I have a lot more in common than just long blonde hair! ;)

A milestone as a parent

2011-04-15T22:27:00.003-05:00

Today was truly a milestone for our family. E4 and I had our first Parent/Teacher Conference this morning with E5's preschool teachers. Our meeting was at 8:45 and it was only 15 minutes. The teachers told us that Eddie is doing really well in class and he has caught up with his other classmates. (Eddie started preschool in January, not in September.) He is a little behind in cutting and writing his name. He can cut shapes out from paper, but he has to have someone hold the paper for him while he cuts. He can also write his name, but he prefers to trace his name. When asked to freehand his name, he doesn't like to do it. Other than that, he is right where he should be for a 3 year old. We were also told to keep in mind that Eddie is almost an entire year younger than everyone else in the class, so he really is doing very well.

We also talked about which class Eddie should take next year. As of this morning, we had him signed up for Pre-K, which would meet from 9:00-1:00 Monday through Friday. I have been having second thoughts about this because he won't be starting Kindergarten for another two years. If he took Pre-K next year, he would have to repeat it the next year. So, after talking with his teachers, we decided it would be best for Eddie to move to the class just below Pre-K, which is one level above the class he is in right now. He will be one of the older kids in the class, but that's ok. The class focuses on the beginning aspects of reading, playing with peers, writing, etc. It meets from 9:00-11:30 Monday through Friday, which is the same time he goes right now. There is an option to stay until 1:00, so we will probably include that option a couple of days a week. All in all, it was a good conference and I'm glad that E4 and I were both able to attend.

After the conference, E5 and I had a "special date." It was cooler and windy today, so we went to the grocery store and then came home to watch a movie. The only movies E5 has ever seen are Toy Story, Toy Story 3, Cars and part of Ice Age. Cars is his favorite movie, but I wanted him to branch out, so I pulled out Finding Nemo. We actually sat through the whole movie and I talked him through the story. Poor E5 was concerned about Nemo's mom and kept asking, "Where is Nemo's mommy? Why isn't she in the movie?" I just didn't have the heart to tell him that she was eaten during the first scene of the movie. I think he enjoyed it, even though I think the whole story went over his head a little bit.

After the movie, we had a quiet lunch at home and then we picked up Elizabeth from PDO. I worked on the stocking while the kids napped and am happy to report that I think I'm actually halfway done! I thought I was only 1/3 of the way done, but I think I've accomplished more than I realize. This comes as a HUGE relief because I have been freaking out about not finishing it before the baby gets here.

The afternoon was a little rough. Thunderstorms woke the kids up from their naps a little early and we stayed in the house for the rest of the day. Whenever we don't get out of the house in the afternoons, the day almost always goes downhill. We played in the basement....well, the kids played and I organized toys. We then watched a little bit of the 5 o'clock news. Elizabeth was in a mood today, so she had a lot of time outs for hitting/kicking E5 and just generally being a grouch. It's hard to discipline her because I feel like she doesn't always understand. On the other hand, she understands "no" and knows that she isn't supposed to sock her brother on the head. (I also think Eddie is old enough to move out of the way, so I don't understand why he just sits there and lets his sister continually hit him. Oh well...)

E4 came home right at 6:30. I was annoyed that he didn't come home earlier, so things were a little tense for a while. I had originally planned to cook veal piccata, but by the time we got the kids to bed and I got downstairs to start dinner it was almost 7:30, and I just didn't have any energy left to cook a nice meal. So, E4 ate frozen pizza and I had some of the chicken salad I made yesterday. We then relaxed down in the basement by watching Modern Family and Dexter.

All in all, it was a fine day. I was a little cranky towards the end of the day. I think it's just the low carb diet finally catching up with me. I generally get cranky around the second or third day of the diet, but today is day 5. I guess I should be proud of myself for not getting cranky before now. Hopefully, my body will adjust to the new diet quickly and I can get back to being productive (and happy).

On a positive not, I'm still a little happy that I survived my first ever Parent/Teacher conference. Isn't it funny how it really is the little things in life that make you happy? :)

On a roll!!

2011-04-14T15:40:00.002-05:00

Do you ever have days when you really feel like you are accomplishing everything you need to do, and then some? Well, today is one of those days for me! I decided (on a whim) to put some stones out to outline my garden in the back yard. I have been meaning to do this for several years, but never got around to it. After dropping off the kids at PDO and school, I went to the grocery store and then headed to Ace Hardware. I picked up some stones (in two trips) and put them out in my garden.....WOW, what a difference it makes! I have always had problems with my mulch leaking onto my grass and my grass growing up into my mulch. Hopefully, the stones will help solve that problem. I ended up putting out 61 stones, which was a great workout. (I have been walking in the mornings, but I skipped my walk today because I didn't want to overdo it.) All in all, I'm glad I did, and hopefully I will snap a picture and load it soon! ;)

After working in the yard (for a little over an hour), I headed up to my needlepoint store to get some more threads for baby #3's stocking. I have been working on the stocking for 4 weeks and I *think* I'm 1/3 of the way done. My goal is to have the stocking finished by the end of June, so that I can send it off to the finisher and have it back by the time baby #3 gets here. If I keep going at the pace I have kept up (working on it 2-3 hours every day), I will meet my goal. The only problem with my goal is that I literally don't have any time to do anything else. My yard and house are a disaster, and I'm pretty sure E4 is wondering why everything is looking so shabby. Oh well.....the stocking HAS to get done!

I picked up E5 from preschool and we had a quick lunch of PB&J's before picking up Elizabeth from PDO. Both of the kids too GREAT naps today (YAY!!!!), so I was able to work on my stocking for a couple of hours. I also took a little time to myself to order the baby's bedding and look into embroidered burp cloths. My mom has always made personalized burp cloths for my kids, but I don't think she'll be doing that this time, because we still aren't on speaking terms.

I'm pretty confident with our name selection for baby #3, so I have already made up mock baby announcements. Basically, I have picked out the template on Tinyprints.com, so all I have to do is add in the date, weight, time and pictures. I have always picked out my birth announcements in advance, and it really saves a lot of time once a new baby arrives.

So, I'm feeling good that baby furniture has been ordered, baby bedding has been ordered, the stocking is well under way and I have found a couple of good options for personalized burp cloths. It feels GREAT to finally have things come together. I have felt "out of sorts" lately with not knowing the baby's name, not having bought anything for the new baby and things not going well with my family. Well, I can finally say that I am on a roll!! :)

Back on the Wagon

2011-04-13T11:07:00.002-05:00

I have really been neglecting my GD diet these past few weeks. I started off pretty good, but I noticed that my blood sugar was always really low. I decided that maybe I wasn't really diabetic, so I started eating whatever I wanted....in moderation. Well, my numbers are starting to go up again and I'm starting to feel "icky" so I guess I really do have GD. :( I have hit my diet hard and heavy and I can already tell a difference. I feel MUCH better during the day (although I think I am more tired at night because of the lack of carbs). I'm still craving chocolate milkshakes and a slice of cookie cake, but fortunately, I haven't given in to either temptation. I did pick up some sugar free candy at Walgreens yesterday, so hopefully that will satisfy my sweet tooth.

Things have really been chugging along over here. Of course, now that I said we have decided on a name, I'm not really sure that I like it. There are two names that I *think* I like, so I keep going over them in my head, writing them down, etc. I have to make sure that the name really fits this child. I feel good having the names narrowed down to two possibilities, so hopefully I'll come up with a definitive name soon! :)

E4 made the comment last night that I seem a lot less stressed these past few weeks. He says that I seem to be yelling at the kids less, picking less fights with him and generally seem happier than I have been in a long time. I don't know if this is because I'm not speaking to my family, the counseling, Bible Study, connecting more with friends, or a combination of all of the above. I honestly think that not talking to my family has forced me to explore other outlets for talking/friendships. All in all, this is a good thing.

I asked E4 if I should call my family on Easter and we have decided that it's probably best that I don't. I will think about sending them an email, but I'm still not ready to talk to them. He made the analogy of having a wound scab over. You don't want to pick at the scab and reopen the wound....You need to give it plenty of time to heal completely. I feel like the situation with my family is just a scab right now. Calling them might reopen the wound of hurt and I'm not ready to go there yet. I'm in such a good place right now, that I'm not ready to give that up just to pacify them.

So, that's where we are. It's been almost 5 weeks since my sister's wedding and I'm finally starting to feel good about myself, my life, my family and my relationship with God. It's about time!! :)

Baby Gates and A Name!

2011-04-11T13:32:00.003-05:00

That's right! We have big news in the Ernst house. The baby gates were taken down and I *think* we have a name for baby #3!

I took down the baby gates on Saturday and Sunday! The house looks sooooooo much more open now that there aren't baby gates in the doorways. I was going to leave the gate up at the top of the stairs for a while just because Elizabeth has quite mastered going down the stairs, but I think she is cautious enough to stay away. She CAN get down the stairs, but she's just not comfortable with it yet. I think having the gate down is going to force her to get comfortable with crawling down the stairs. She even started climbing down the stairs this morning just before I had to take Eddie to school.

Now for the naming of baby #3. I think E4 and I have come to an agreement, but we aren't going to tell people. During this process of trying to pick out a name, we have discovered that people can be VERY opinionated when it comes to baby names. Since we decided to find out the sex of the baby in advance, I think we're going to keep the name to ourselves and let everyone know once the baby arrives. Sorry if I got your hopes up in finding out the name....but we aren't going to tell just yet. Besides, I'm still playing around with the name in my head to make sure I'm going to like it 5 weeks from now (and not just today).

Honestly, figuring out the name will be a HUGE relief to me. I have lost a lot of sleep and stressed out about the name of this baby. The only people that are going to know in advance are the ladies at my needlepoint store because I will need to have the name put on the top of the baby's stocking. I might also order some customized/monogrammed burp cloths. My mom usually does the burp cloths and bibs, but since we aren't on speaking terms, I'm not holding my breath for any!

That's all for now. Time to get back to work on the stocking!

Most awesome 'Family Day'.....EVER!

2011-04-10T13:02:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was truly an awesome Family Day! We almost always have Family Day on Saturday mornings. Family Day is a time that we spend together with just our nuclear family....no phone calls, no TV, etc. The day started off shaky because we had planned on going out to eat for breakfast. There were really bad thunderstorms that came through the area around 5:45 a.m., so E5 ended up coming into bed with us. Usually, he just stays in bed for a few minutes (until the storm has passed), but this time the thunder/lightning lasted a loooooong time. We all ended up falling back asleep and we slept until 8:05!! Even little Elizabeth slept in! Anyway, since we all slept late, E4 got up and went downstairs to have his coffee and breakfast. I stayed upstairs, showered, got ready and then came downstairs around 9:00 asking where we were going for breakfast. E4 told me that he had already eaten and that he had also already given Elizabeth her breakfast. I pouted and was generally cranky for a good hour, but then I decided to drop the issue and we went about our day.

E4 looked online and found out that there was a Tartan Festival taking place out in St. Charles. St. Charles is a town that is west of St. Louis, and I had never been there. We loaded up the kids and were on our way to the festival by 10:30. When we got there, there were lots of people in kilts, Scottish dogs (mostly Scotty dogs and Shelties), bouncy activities for the kids, balloons, treats, etc. We parked on the main street of St. Charles and walked to the festival, which was literally right by the Missouri River. The kids had a blast walking around, eating a big pretzel and getting free balloons. It was a little muddy, so E5 opted not to bounce around on the inflatable attractions.

After walking around for an hour, we walked back up to Main Street and did some window shopping. We ended up eating lunch outside at a cute restaurant called Mother-In-Law House. We sat on the patio (since it was 78 degrees!!!!) and enjoyed chicken salad, loaded potato soup and fries. E5 had his usual peanut butter sandwich, but Elizabeth took one bite of my chicken salad and she was hooked! She ended up eating half of my scoop of chicken salad.

Once we finished lunch, we went back on Main Street to discover that a parade was getting started. There were two bag pipe bands, a little marching band and lots of Scottish clans. The parade only lasted 10 minutes, but that was the perfect amount of time for our crew. E5 and Elizabeth were each given suckers, so they were happy as clams to stand in the shade, eat their suckers and watch the parade. After the parade, we hit a local cookie shop and got a couple of cookies to share.

We came back home a little after 1:00 and the kids were WIPED OUT! Both of them took really good/long naps. I was able to take a nice long walk outside while E4 stayed at home with the kids. After naps, we headed up to the mall and continued our Family Day adventures by buying the kids some Crocs, buying a couple of maternity T-shirts for me, getting E4 some new sunglasses and browsing around Barnes and Noble. We usually just walk around the mall on the weekends, so it was nice to actually do some shopping for a change!

When we finished at the mall, I got the kids' dinner ready while E4 relaxed, but then he took over!! I was able to go upstairs and shower, relax, and take my time getting ready for our Date Night. E4 helped the kids finish their dinners and then gave them their baths!!!! I was then relaxed and ready to go for Date Night, so I was able to read a couple of books to the kids while E4 showered and we waited on the babysitter.

Our sitter showed up at 7:15 and we were out the door by 7:16! ;) Eddie and I went to Ruth's Chris Steak House and we ended up sitting outside on their patio because it was such a nice evening. Their was a pretty strong breeze, but it was close to 80 degrees, so it was still a nice night to eat outside. We ended up sharing an appetizer called Lobster Voodoo that was REALLY good. It was lightly breaded lobster tails that were tossed in a spicy/creamy sauce. We then each had a wedge salad and a filet for dinner. After dinner, I took the babysitter home and then we relaxed before going to bed. All in all, it was an awesome and relaxing day!

Today has been a pretty good day, too. We slept in until 7:45 and then went to church. We took E5 to Sunday School for the first time today. He kept saying that he didn't want to go and he cried a lot when I dropped him off, but when we picked him up, he couldn't stop talking about the Bible lesson they had talked about. Our sermon was about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, so that's what the Sunday School classes talked about. E5 was SO excited to show me the picture he had colored and he told me all about the "really big angel that came and rolled the stone away!" It was so cute!! I was nervous about sending him, but now I'm glad that we did it!

We had a simple lunch of sandwiches and chips at home today and then we all went outside to play before naps. I actually mixed up weed killer and sprayed the yard for weeds and the kids played with E5's stomp rocket and chalk. The wind is REALLY strong today, so it wasn't the best day to be outside, but at least we all got to get out and enjoy some sunshine. Tonight, we have a birthday party to attend at Gymboree, so I'm glad we were able to get outside even if it was for just a few minutes.

That's the update on our weekend. We head to the beach in just under two weeks, so the countdown to vacation has begun!! :)

Counseling Session #4

2011-04-08T15:18:00.003-05:00

I had my fourth counseling session with Kathy today and it went well. Now that my family situation seems to be settling down, we focused more on how I deal with stress in general. We have determined that I have been functioning at an extremely high stress level for many, many years (probably since my sister's death), and that I seem to function "best" this way. In other words, if there isn't a stressful event in my life, I tend to create one. I see myself doing this all the time and especially with my husband. :(

I love my husband very much, but I seem to create a lot of tension between us...and a lot of times it seems as though I am picking fights with him just to create tension, bad moods, etc. I don't know WHY I do this, but I know that I do it. We are going to be digging deeper into why this is going on, but just like everything else, it's going to take time. I won't meet with Kathy again for another week and a half just because of scheduling conflicts. During the next week and a half, I'm going to try to analyze how, when, why I pick fights with Eddie. I'm also going to try to find ways to avoid taking out my stress/bad moods on my kids.

I feel like a lot of my stress and anxiety is spilling over and affecting my kids, so I am really going to make a conscious effort to not do that. For example, if E5 keeps splashing water out of the tub (after I tell him not to do it), I will make HIM clean it up, do the extra laundry, etc. Hopefully this will accomplish two things...1. Teaching my kids about consequences and 2. Redirecting my anger/frustration. I know this is going to take a lot of practice (and patience), but it's worth a shot. I really am determined to get my stress/anxiety levels down and live a happier life. I've spent the past 21 years holding in my frustrations, disappointments, etc. in life and now I'm going to let it all out! :)

Hopefully, I will get a good start today! :)

Teeth, contractions and potty...Oh my!

2011-04-05T13:25:00.002-05:00

I just realized I haven't updated in almost a week! I guess I am feeling a little bit better and not needing to "get everything out" like I have been this past month. I realized that yesterday was the one month mark of the fighting with my family. It was one month ago from yesterday that I called my mom and told her that I was sorry, but I would not be attending Rebecca's wedding. In retrospect, I am glad that I went to the wedding, although it was incredibly painful for me. I can now look back on the events of the past month and say that I really did hold my head up high, took the higher road, and have no regrets!

Elizabeth has four new teeth!! Her top AND bottom canines all came in within the past 5 days. She has really been a bear and chewing on EVERYTHING, so I am really relieved that we are done teething for a while. Her 1-year molars already came in, so the next set will be her 2-year molars. At least we have a good break of at least 6 months before those arrive. E5's arrived and I never even knew they were here because the pain didn't bother him. Hopefully, Elizabeth will be the same way!

I had my first contraction over the weekend. I was yelling at the kids and suddenly doubled over in pain and felt that my stomach was really hard. With my previous pregnancies, my irritable uterus syndrome kicked in anywhere fro 17-24 weeks, so I'm right on schedule for it to start. Fortunately, the few contractions I've had have been really few and far between. I will be 24 weeks on Thursday, so I'm trying to keep my stress levels down to keep the contractions at bay.

Now for the really funny story that goes with this post. The potty. Elizabeth has been showing an interest in using the potty, but only because of her big brother. We pulled out the little Baby Bjorn training potty about 2-3 weeks ago so that Elizabeth could sit on it and do whatever. (Actually, she was peeing in the tub every night, so I started sitting her on the baby potty before bath time and she now uses it every night!) Well, every time E5 tells me he needs to use the potty, Elizabeth starts saying, "Potty! Potty! Potty!" I then ask her if she needs to use the potty and she ALWAYS says, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah!" and then runs for the bathroom.

Well, yesterday I was cleaning the kitchen and I heard Eddie say that he needed to use the potty. I told him to go ahead and get started and that I would be in to help him in a few minutes. I wasn't really paying much attention to him, but I guess I should have been! I vaguely remember hearing E5 say, "Come on Elizabeth! I'll help you potty! Let's go!" I guess what he was saying didn't really register in my head because the next thing I heard was the muffled voice of E5 from behind the closed bathroom door saying, "MOM!! I need some toilet paper and Elizabeth needs some help!"

I went running to the bathroom and found E5 on the toilet and Elizabeth sitting on the little potty (with her pants and diaper off)!! Both of them had used the potty!! I asked Eddie how Elizabeth got her pants/diaper off and he said, "I took them off for her so she could use the potty, Mom. She can't use the potty with her pants ON!" Well, I guess he was right about that one! I was SO excited that E5 took Elizabeth to the potty and they were successful without my help!

Even though I was proud of the two of them, I don't see this working out on a long-term basis. After Elizabeth uses the potty, she likes to "play in it" so I have to be there to keep her out of the tinkle. (I know that sounds awful, but it's true!!) I still get a big grin on my face when I think about my two little kiddos going to the potty all by themselves! :)

On other news, it's been a pretty busy week since I last updated. There was a women's friendship breakfast through my church on Saturday that was a lot of fun. I sat at a table with 8 other MOPS moms, so it was a great chance for fellowship and a nice morning out without the kids! I just realized that this past Saturday was E4's first time to watch the kids (not during their naps) without me around in over a year. I really do need to get out more!

E4 and I tried a new restaurant on Saturday night called The Tavern. It's really close to our house and the food was REALLY good. We had house-made chips with guacamole and buttermilk dressing, chicken and jalapeno sausage with cheese fondue and roasted peppers, caesar salads, veal cheek linguini stroganoff and crackling ginger mahi mahi. It was a TON of food, but all really good. It's definitely a place we want to try again in the future.

Sunday was an awesome day because we reached 90 degrees! We set a new heat record here in St. Louis. It was a really windy day, but it was still nice to get outside and go to the park. I cooked dinner for a good friend who had a baby, so I spent most of the late morning (after church) and early afternoon in the kitchen. It was nice to help a friend out, but I was bummed that i didn't make extra for our family. Fortunately, we had dinner at Jeff and Julie's house, which was nice. We had barbecued sausages, salad, sweet potato fries, chips and salsa and key lime squares for dessert. E4 missed dinner because he had a tennis match, but I still took the kids, which was a nice change of pace for all of us.

Monday was back to the routine for us! E5 went back to preschool and Elizabeth went to Gymboree. I still felt bad about not making extra food for our family, so I recooked the meal that I took to my friend. I made barbecued pulled pork, cole slaw and a pound cake with fresh strawberries and whipped cream. E4 didn't care for the cake, but I was expecting that. I ended up cutting it up into fourths and freezing three sections of it. Now, I can pull some cake out of the freezer whenever I feel like I want some. Oh, and the kids loooooooooved the cake! :)

That's all the update for now. We head to Florida to visit my MIL in a little over 2 weeks. This is the first time that we are going down there that I'm actually REALLY excited about going. I know that I won't have much of a break from the kids during the day, but that's ok. I think it will be a lot of fun to take the kids to the beach, pool, and even to the tennis courts. E4 will play lots of golf with his dad, so I'm glad he will get a little bit of a break from work. Like I said, it's not really a vacation for ME, but the change of scenery will be nice!

My bed is rusty!

2011-03-31T09:21:00.003-05:00

As we put E5 down for bed last night, he said, "My bed is rusty?" I had no idea what he was talking about, but then he started shuffling his feet under the covers and kept saying, "It's rusty in here. I don't like it on my feet." I felt in his bed and realized that there was sand in his bed. There wasn't just a little bit of sand, but A LOT of sand! At school, Eddie's class goes outside and plays for the last 30 minutes of class as long as the temperature is above 28 degrees. Well, he wore cuffed pants to school yesterday and there must have been sand in the cuffs that came out during his nap yesterday afternoon. I tried to brush some of the sand out of bed, but I quickly realized there was too much sand to just brush out of bed, so I had to change his sheets. Eddie, of course, thought this was the coolest thing EVER because I usually change his sheets and do laundry while he is at school. Anyway, I just thought I would share this story because I thought it was cute. Yeah Eddie, sometimes my bed feels rusty, too! ;)

Back on Schedule

2011-03-30T09:12:00.003-05:00

I am happy to report that things are finally back on schedule...Woo-hoo!! Spring Break ended for both kids this past Sunday, so I was happy to resume our normal schedule yesterday! It was a wild a crazy Spring Break that actually ended with us getting 6 inches of snow! It snowed all day on Saturday, which was CRAZY!! It was a heavy/wet snow, so it was really pretty when it stuck to the trees, but fortunately it melted very quickly.

I had a complete breakdown on Monday night over my family. I thought I was doing well, but I started getting angry/upset Monday afternoon while the kids were napping. I was working on the baby's stocking when I started feeling extremely angry towards different members of my family. The more I sat there and thought, the angrier I got. I'm mad at my SIL, Missy, for not speaking to me at the wedding. What did I do to her? Why was she so mad at me? I'm mad at Margaret for going online and spying on me through another website. I'm mad at my mom for not speaking to me. What did I do to her? Why is she being so hateful to me? I had a fight with Rebecca and no one else.....So why is the rest of my family so mad? It doesn't make sense.

Anyway, as soon as E4 got home from work on Monday, we put the kids to bed, had dinner and then I just broke down. I cried for a good 20-30 minutes and he just listened to me. It was just what I needed. He explained to me that this whole ordeal with my family is kind of like going through a breakup....I am fine for a while, but then I start going through "withdrawal." Sometimes I'm ok with everything and other times I am so hurt and angry. I know that these are all things that I am going to have to work through on my own and I also know that they are going to take time. It just sucks when a wave of anxiety/anger takes over when I've otherwise had such a great day.

On other topics, my GD diet is going well. I have been able to control my blood sugar levels by watching my carb intake and basically eliminating all simple sugars. I know I should eat like this ALL the time, but I have such a sweet tooth! If I've had a good day, I do allow myself a little Cadbury mini egg or some other piece of chocolate at the end of the day. Heck, I will even have a handful of chips or Cheeto's with my lunch on a REALLY good day! All in all, the diet is going well. I'm down 4 lbs., but I expected to lose some weight once I stopped eating junk all the time. I'm 22w6d pregnant today and up a total of 9 lbs. from my pre-pregnancy weight, so I think I'm doing ok!

Both kids are in PDO this morning (YAY!!) and I have Thursday and Friday mornings free as well this week. It's going to be nice to get a little bit of time to myself, clean, work on the stocking and settle back into my routine. :)

A long way to go

2011-03-25T13:23:00.002-05:00

Sorry for not updating in a couple of days. I finally realized that my house was absolutely DISGUSTING and I desperately needed to stop lazing around and clean it! I have cleaned like a mad woman and I STILL feel like my house isn't clean. I guess it never really will feel clean as long as there are small children running around....but that's ok! :)

I think my last post was this past Tuesday. Tuesday afternoon was spent up at our local park. Again, the weather was absolutely gorgeous, so it was great to spend so much time outside.

Wednesday, Elizabeth returned back to PDO (YAY!!), but only for a day. The church was closed the rest of this week for conferences, but it was still nice to have a little break just for a day. After taking her to school, E5 and I went to the grocery store and then we went to my 22 week dr's appointment. Before going, E5 and I split a doughnut. :) I know that I shouldn't have done that, but I figured I was going to get the news that I failed my Gestational Diabetes (GD) test, so it was kind of a "last supper" for me.

My weight was up 13 lb. from my pre-pregnancy weight, which is waaaaaay more weight than I have ever gained by this point in any other pregnancy. I wasn't TOO surprised, as I have been an emotional eater over the past two weeks. I have been eating nothing but junk and it finally caught up to me. Another disappointment was my blood pressure. I am usually referred to as "the walking dead" in my dr's office because my BP is always so low...Well, today that wasn't the case. My BP was elevated and the nurse asked me if there was anything going on to stress me out. I immediately started crying and told her that my family and I were not speaking and that things were really tense. She was really sweet and talked with me for 15 minutes. She let me know that I'm not the only one who has problems getting along with their family and that I just needed to take care of myself and the baby. I felt MUCH better after talking with her.

Dr. DeRosa came in and told me that I did indeed fail my GD test. I am going to monitor my blood sugar at home and modify my diet. If I can keep my blood sugar down on my own, I won't have to meet with a dietician and go to Maternal Fetal Medicine for additional monitoring. He did tell me that we would start having appointments every two weeks after my next appointment at 26 weeks and that we would start ultrasound monitoring at 28 weeks. I enjoy the ultrasounds because it just means that I'll get a few extra sneak peeks at my little boy, but I just hate the circumstances. I told DeRosa about not sleeping well (and he mentioned my high BP), so I received a 30 day prescription for Ambien. I don't think I will be taking it very often, but it's nice to know that I will have it just in case I need it!

After my appt., I took Eddie to Des Peres Park and we played for 1 1/2 hours. He had picked out a Lunchable at the grocery store for a "special lunch" so we had a little picnic at the park. We ran into several friends while we were there, so it was a great morning!

We picked up Elizabeth after lunch and then came home for naps. After naps, I had to run pick up some wine we had ordered from the Fed Ex store. The Fed Ex delivery came while I was getting Elizabeth, so it was a bummer that we missed it. However, having an errand to run in the afternoon helped to pass the time before Daddy got home! :)

Thursday was our "off" day this week. Aside from a quick trip to the grocery store in the morning, we didn't leave the house. The weather turned really cold, so we couldn't get outside. I let the kids run around while I cleaned. It was SO hard trying to clean my house with two small children making messes faster than I could clean them up! Unfortunately, there was a lot of yelling, time outs, hand spanks, etc. throughout the day. Fortunately, my neighbor and friend, Alison, invited us over to her house in the afternoon, so at least we all got out for a little bit before dinner and bedtime!

Today was my 2nd counseling session. A good friend of mine, Kelli, came over to my house and watched my kids for me so that I could go to my session. She really is an angel from above, as she watched the kids AT MY HOUSE!! I offered to take them over to her house, but she came over and brought her two kids with her, so everyone got to play and have a good time. Thank the Lord for good friends like Kelli!

Anyway, my counseling session was good. I wasn't sure what all we would talk about, as we talked about Rebecca's wedding and my past family issues during the past session. It didn't take more than 2 minutes of being in Kathy's office that I started crying. Again, my family situation is affecting me more than I realize. :(

We did come to a nice breakthrough today. It's ok for me to set boundaries with my family right now, as long as I am taking care of myself and my nuclear family first. It's ok for me to be mad at my family. It's ok to not know when I will be ready to speak with them. It's ok to think of my needs and my nuclear's family needs BEFORE I think of the needs of my blood family. I do love my family, but unfortunately, I feel that being around them and sharing details of my life is very toxic. Kathy and I talked about how I am going to have to grieve not having the relationship with my family that I wish I could have. I would love to be able to tell my mom/family about events that happen in my life and not have them twisted around in some form or fashion. My family has not demonstrated that they are able to do that, so for now, I feel it's best to not include them in my life. Fortunately, I have a nice network of support through MOPS, my counselor (Kathy), my friends and my mentors at church.

Kathy suggested that I blog....Ha ha! I'm already doing that! :) I'm the kind of person who's mind just races and races. Writing my thoughts down seems like a good idea, but I'm not able to write nearly as fast as I can type. We even talked about the idea of moving my computer to a different part of the house. This way, if I wake up in the middle of the night and have racing thoughts, I can type them out. The goal right now is to get my mind to quiet down and to lower the level of anxiety I am feeling whenever I think about/talk about my family. I have such a strong physical response when I talk about my family that my heart races, I have a hard time breathing and my entire body tenses up. Kathy says she can actually SEE physical changes in me that demonstrate extremely high levels of anxiety. I never knew that until now!

So, to make a long story short, I feel that I am making steps in the right direction to becoming a happier/healthier me, but I still have a long way to go....

Minor setback

2011-03-22T12:55:00.003-05:00

Things have been going pretty well for me this past week. Since seeing the counselor, my sleeping has been MUCH better. Now, I need to get my eating under control. Yes, I know that I'm pregnant, but those of you who know me in real life know that I'm a pretty healthy person when it comes to eating. The past 5 weeks, I've been AWFUL! I have eaten whatever I want and whenever I want it. I know that pregnant women need more calories, but this is absurd! My poor baby must be on a constant sugar high! Fortunately, my monthly dr's appt. is tomorrow morning, so I should get reigned back in when I see Dr. DeRosa. I have managed to put back on most of the weight that I lost before Rebecca's wedding, but I'm sure it's just fat, as I haven't eaten anything remotely healthy during the past few weeks. Part of me has been hoping that I will fail my GD test, just so I will be forced to eat healthy again. Oh well....I guess I will know more tomorrow!

My sleeping hit a small bump in the road last night/this morning when I had a weird dream about my family. I dreamt that Tim's girlfriend saw E4 driving my van while we were in Alabama. She saw him "make a weird start after stopping at a stop sign" and assumed that he was driving drunk. In my dream, my family confronted me and accused me of being married to a lush. Nasty emails were sent to me, people yelled at me, etc. In the dream, I tried telling my family that Eddie just wasn't used to driving my van (because it was new) and that if he had been drinking, I would have been driving because I am pregnant (and the designated driver). No one listened to me and things spiraled out of control. It was really a disturbing dream. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. and wasn't able to get back to sleep.

My dad called my cell phone again today and left a message. His message sounded like he was frustrated at my not answering my phone for the past week. He then told me that my grandmother was having eye problems and that I needed to call home to get the update on her. He then asked me to call.

I still don't feel ready to talk to my family, but I know that I can't just ignore them for forever. I did decide that sending my dad a generic email was best. This is what I said:

Dad,

I received your voicemail messages during the past week. I still need some time to reflect.

Thank you for telling me about Grandmother. I will be sure to call her and make sure everything is ok.

-Jenn

I know it's a generic email, but I didn't really want to say much. My dad responded with an email that just said, "OK" and nothing else. Hopefully, this means he won't be calling me again any time soon. Like I said earlier, I'm just not ready to talk with anyone in my family just yet. My emotions are still raw/hurt and I feel like I need a little more time to "heal" before trying to resume a relationship with them again.

On a positive note, I took both kids to the Butterfly House again today. E5 had been talking about it, so I decided to take both of them while the weather is still nice. Again, the butterflies swarmed around us and one even landed on E5! He FREAKED out and started crying, so we didn't stay inside the butterfly sanctuary too long. After seeing the butterflies, we went to Faust Park for 45 minutes and then we headed to Chesterfield Mall. The kids had fun running around and I enjoyed being outside. It was a little cloudy and windy, but it was still 70 degrees, so it was pretty pleasant.

The kids are down for their naps now, so I guess i should go work on the baby's stocking. I really just want to eat a handful of Cadbury mini eggs, but I'm going to try to resist! ;)

Hooray for Spring Break...#2!!

2011-03-21T13:10:00.002-05:00

This is our second week of Spring Break....sort of. Elizabeth was on Spring Break last week while Eddie was in school. This week, Elizabeth has school and Eddie has Spring Break. Elizabeth normally goes to Gymboree on Monday and Kindermusik on Tuesday, but those classes are following Eddie's school system, so she doesn't have her normal activities on Monday and Tuesday. It's a little confusing, but we are making the best of it!

Today, I took the kids to the zoo. The weather is absolutely GORGEOUS (temp. is 75 degrees), so it seemed like the perfect day to get outside. Apparently, every other parent had the same idea as me, as the zoo was extremely crowded. We got there at 9:00 a.m., which is when it opened. We headed straight for the Children's Zoo exhibit because it's free if you get there before 10:00 a.m. The kids had a blast! Eddie and Elizabeth loved exploring all the different animals and activities. Elizabeth really liked petting the guinea pigs and rabbits, while Eddie liked pushing a wheelbarrow around in some hay and sliding down some slides. It was a little stressful for me, but only because the kids were constantly running in opposite directions, so it was hard to keep my eyes on them all the time.

We stayed in the Children's Zoo for almost an hour and then we walked over to see the bears and penguins. The penguin exhibit was a little tough for me, as the smell really bothers me while I am pregnant. The last time I went in there, I was pregnant with Elizabeth and I ran out as soon as I got inside because the smell made me sick. The smell started making me gag this time, but I was able to suppress the gag reflex and walk the kids through the exhibit. I'm glad I didn't get sick because the penguins were really active with swimming in the water and calling out to each other.

After the penguins, we met my SIL, Julie, and her new baby, Jeffrey, to walk through The River's Edge exhibit. Unfortunately, the hippopotamus habitat was closed down for cleaning and reconstruction. The kids were a little bummed, as they like to get up by the glass and watch the hippopotamuses swim around. We did pacify them by showing them the rhinoceros, elephants and ant eaters. The sea lions were also closed down due to construction, so we weren't able to see those either.

Poor E5 was bummed because the train that runs through the zoo was under construction, so it wasn't up and running. I think his favorite part of the whole zoo is riding the train and we weren't able to do it. We only stayed for 2 hours because it was lunch time and Elizabeth started getting cranky. We made a quick stop at the gift shop for some souvenir toys and then we headed to Chick-fil-A for lunch.

The kids (and I) are pretty wiped out, but I'm SO glad that we were able to get outside, enjoy the weather and see some animals. E5 has been asking repeatedly to go to the Butterfly House since he heard that Elizabeth and I went last week, so I might try to take the kids there tomorrow. The weather is supposed to turn cold towards the end of the week, so I'm trying to think of other outdoor activities the kids and I can enjoy while we still can!

Two weeks ago, I would have told anyone and everyone that I was dreading Spring Break, but now I feel differently. I love getting to spend the mornings with my kids. I guess it's safe to say that I'm definitely out of my funk and back to enjoying life. Hooray!!!! Time goes by so quickly, so I'm happy that I am out and enjoying life again! :)

Fun times

2011-03-19T15:04:00.003-05:00

I had my first official counseling session yesterday. I will get to that in a minute, but first I want to pick up where I last left off. The rest of Thursday was a good day. The kids napped ok and then we went to the park. It was 84 degrees on Thursday afternoon, so it was an awesome day to be outside.

We stayed at the park for about an hour and then we headed home because Bots was coming over for dinner. Since the weather was so nice, we decided to grill hamburgers. E4 even came home from work at 5:45, so as soon as everyone was here, we all headed back outside. I made parmesan rounds as an appetizer, the guys had wine and I had sparkling pink lemonade. We all played in the backyard while E4 got the grill going.

We had a late dinner of bacon cheeseburgers, chips and dip and St. Patrick's Day cupcakes around 6:30. Bots didn't stay too long after dinner because he had a jazz concert to attend, so E4 and I got the kids bathed and put down for bed by 7:30. We were then able to shower and watch an episode Dexter down in the basement.

I decided to not take an Ambien on Thursday night and that proved to be a big mistake. I was up tossing and turning all night. It was like I was unable to shut my brain off and go to sleep. It took over 3 hours to fall asleep, but I didn't stay asleep for long. I woke up multiple times, and each time I woke up, I had a hard time getting back to sleep.

Friday was a busy, but long day. I was able to drop the kids off with a good friend of mine for the morning while I went to my first counseling session. I really like my counselor, Kathy. She is a Christian woman and does faith-based counseling. I had a one hour appt. from 9:00-10:00. I talked most of the time. I finished telling her about going down to my sister's wedding and how I felt towards my family. At the end of the session, she commented that I had some "boundary issues" with my family and that taking a "time out" from them was perfectly fine (and preferred)! She also recommended a book called "Boundaries" which I downloaded to my iPad as soon as I got home.

The book has been WONDERFUL! I clearly have problems identifying my own boundaries with my family, which is why we seem to fall into a recurring pattern of fights. I'm going to take this "time out" from them to figure out the best way to have a relationship with them while still maintaining doing what I think is best for me and my family. It's going to be tough, but I like a good challenge and I know that this will benefit all of us in the long run!

After my counseling, I picked up the kids, and ran a few errands. Elizabeth was a champion napper (over 3 hours), while E5 only napped 20 minutes. E5 didn't fall asleep until 3:30 and I had to wake him up at 3:50 for a St. Patrick's Day play group party. It was great to see my mom friends from play group. The party hostess went above and beyond with decorations and food, so a good time was had by all.

E5 ended up coming home around 6:20 and we were able to get the kids down for bed a little after 7:00. We then talked about my counseling session over a dinner of BLT's and watched a couple of episodes of Dexter. We were in bed by 11:00 and I opted not to take the Ambien again. I felt confident that I could get my mind to relax after talking with the counselor, and I was RIGHT! :) I did wake up a few times during the night, but I was able to do some breathing exercises/prayers and was able to get back to sleep relatively quickly. Hooray for counseling!!

Today has been packed full of excitement. E5 woke up a little before 7:00 and came into bed to snuggle with us. We eventually got up and got going with our morning because the kids had a birthday party at Bounce U at 9:30. The birthday party was a lot of fun. Little Eddie ran around until he was drenched in sweat. Elizabeth was a little more reserved, as I think the party was a little too much stimulation for her.

After the party, we hit Babies R Us for some diapers and then had lunch at Chick-fil-A. While loading up the van after lunch, the birthday party balloons were blown away, so the kids had a MAJOR meltdown. We felt bad for them, so we stopped by Schnucks on the way home to get some replacements. It's amazing how a $1.25 balloon can make a child so happy! Anyway, the kids went down for naps pretty easily and I was able to slip out for a relaxing pedicure. E4 went to the gym after I got back and now we are just waiting for the kids to get up so we can continue on with our day. I'm pretty sure we'll end up hitting a Starbucks and one of the local malls, as that's what we generally do on the weekends. ;)

So, things seem to be rolling along pretty smoothly for now. My dad has called me every day since Wednesday, but I haven't picked up the phone or returned any of his calls. I told my family (the Wednesday before the wedding) that I thought a separation for a while was best, so I wish my dad would just leave me alone for a while. I really don't want to talk to him right now, but I also don't want to send a text/email explaining that I don't want to talk to him because I know that he might take it the wrong way. I guess I'll just keep ignoring the calls for now. I still just feel to hurt/angry to make small talk. I'm sure I'll feel differently as some point in the future, but I just don't feel differently right now.

I should also say that I'm actually enjoying my Facebook hiatus. I thought I would really miss it, and I did for the first few days, but there is something really "freeing" about not checking it all the time and not telling people what I am doing all the time via my status. When I do get back on Facebook, I will definitely be cleaning out my friends, as there are too many people who have access to my page. As I am discovering in "Boundaries," it's ok to say no to people....even if it means defriending them on Facebook. My Facebook page is my space and I can control who can look at it or not. Just because someone is friends with my parents doesn't mean I have to be friends with them too. I can be nice and cordial to them when I see them, but I don't have to let them see my Facebook page. This may sound selfish, but I think it's best. Boundaries can be a good thing, and I'm just now seeing that for the first time.....ever! :)

A butterfly treat

2011-03-17T12:53:00.004-05:00

Today has been an AMAZING day so far! Elizabeth is on Spring Break, but Eddie isn't, so I have Elizabeth at home with me while Eddie is in school. Monday, we had our usual morning Gymboree class, Tuesday was our usual morning Kindermusik class, yesterday morning was spent ordering baby furniture and running errands, and today was FINALLY a day for just the two of us.

Even though Elizabeth isn't really old enough to understand, I promised her that we would so something special while Eddie was at school, so after dropping him off, we went to The Butterfly House. It is an indoor butterfly habitat that is open year-round and it is full of butterflies! Elizabeth's favorite book is The Very Hungry Caterpillar and she loves the colorful butterfly on the last page, so I thought The Butterfly House would be a fun outing for her. Once we got inside, Elizabeth was a little timid and she immediately started sweating (because it is constantly 84 degrees and VERY humid). Once she saw the hundreds of butterflies flying around, she wanted me to put her down and she started exploring. The coolest part was that the butterflies seemed to be attracted to us. There were several other families there, but the butterflies were literally swarming around us and landing all over us. It was such a magical experience!

We only stayed inside the butterfly habitat for 35 minutes because Elizabeth was starting to get drenched with sweat. We then made our way to Faust Park, which adjoins The Butterfly House. Elizabeth had a great time playing on the slides, climbing stairs and running around. I really think she enjoyed the time without her big brother, although after an hour or so, she started calling out, "Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!" I think she started missing him!

The kids are down for naps now and I can hardly wait for them to get up. The weather is supposed to be in the upper 70's today, so I am anxious to get the kids outside to enjoy some sunshine. It's amazing what a little sunshine can do for one's mood!

I should also mention that I finally started on baby #3's stocking yesterday. I'm still not very motivated to work on it, but I want the child to have a stocking just like his brother and sister. I am really going to have to kick into high gear if I am going to get it finished by July. All I can do is try my best and hope that I get excited about it soon!

I still haven't talked to my family. They are on vacation in Gatlinburg, TN right now. My dad did call yesterday, but I didn't answer. He left a message saying he would let me know the phone number where they were staying. He then sent me a text last night saying he didn't know the phone number, but that they had good cell phone reception. I don't plan on calling him back. I still have some pretty bitter feelings toward my family, so I think silence is best.

That's the update for today. E5 started his Spring Break this afternoon, so I have all week with him next week. Hopefully the weather will stay nice and we get do some outdoor activities. :)

A little about me

2011-03-16T12:18:00.003-05:00

I realize that I have been blogging about the recent events with my family, but I haven't said much about me. I just thought I would take this opportunity to let the few readers that I have know how I am doing. I am 20w6d pregnant today, and I'm feeling pretty good. During the past two weeks, I did end up losing 10 lbs. due to the stress with my family. I was physically sick because of all the fighting. Fortunately, I have been doing well with my fluids and food intake this past week, so my weight is starting to creep back up. As always, it's hard to see the numbers on the scale go up, but I know that the baby needs me to gain weight. I'm trying to eat healthy, but I'm definitely giving in to some of my cravings of the occasional doughnut or Chick-fil-A.

I finally went out and bought baby furniture for our little one today. I had to take Elizabeth with me because she is on Spring Break right now. It takes 2-3 months for the furniture to come in, so I figured I had better go ahead and order it or else it won't be here before the baby gets here. I ended up getting Munire furniture. It was the only company that made a curved back crib (which converts to a full size bed), has a double dresser and a mirror for the dresser. I was told that most people don't want mirrors on their dressers, but to me, a mirror is a MUST. I use the mirrors every day to help interact with my kids. Unfortunately, the furniture was a little pricier than I had hoped, but at least I know that baby will be able to use it for a long time. Little Eddie still uses his furniture, and we think that he will for a long time!

My next dr's appointment is one week from today. I am a little concerned about my blood pressure, as I can tell it has been elevated with all of the family drama. Big Eddie has noticed that I am extremely warm in the evenings, which is not like me AT ALL. Usually I am FREEZING and rely on him to help warm me up. Hopefully, the high blood pressure is temporary and will drop back down soon.

I am also doing better with my sleep, but that is probably only because of Ambien. The Thursday before the wedding, I went to my dr's office to explain what was going on and to let them know that I wasn't sleeping. I was literally only sleeping 1-2 hours a night and it was really taking it's toll on me. I was given a prescription of 10 Ambien, so I started taking them Thursday night. They really helped A LOT! When we got back to town on Sunday, I thought I would be fine without them (since the wedding was over and I didn't have to see/speak to my family for a while), but I was up most of the night. I guess the stress from all the fighting is still with me, so I started taking the Ambien again on Monday night. I only have 5 left so I am going to see if I can save a few in case any more "stressful situations" arise between now and when the baby is born. Hopefully, my body is picking up on the pattern of sleeping for several hours in a row and will continue to do so on it's own. :)

I have also made an appointment with the certified counselor with whom I spoke to last week. She is a Christian woman and has spoken to the MOPS group at my church, so I am sort of familiar with her. She was extremely helpful to me over the phone last Wedensday, so I hope talking with her for a few sessions will help me to sort through some of the issues that I am having with my family.

I am also attending a Bible study on Tuesday nights. It just started 8 days ago and it's a Bible study by Beth Moore. I have done an Esther Bible study a few years ago through Beth Moore and I was really inspired by everything. This one is entitled "Living Beyond Yourself" and it focuses on the Fruit of the Spirit, which includes Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control. Honestly, this Bible study couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I am really looking forward to diving in and seeing what God has in store for me!

So, that's the update on ME! :) I hope all of you are well and thanks for keeping up with me on my crazy journey called Life!

A slap in the face

2011-03-15T13:04:00.003-05:00

That is the only way I can describe this past weekend....A slap in the face. Going down to my sister's wedding was the hardest thing I think I have ever had to do. I am so mad at my family and hurt by them that I don't know if/when I will ever get over it. My family has done some truly awful things, so I think a separation from all of them is best. It is so unfortunate that things got out of hand so quickly this past week, but it happened, and now nothing can be changed about the past.

When Margaret called me last Wednesday night, she claimed that she was a "neutral party" in the whole family ordeal. A truly neutral party would never have done what she did. Margaret saw a post I had made on Facebook to a particular group of women. The post read, "Hey '07 Mommas, check out the other place and let me know your thoughts." My family read this post and the three comments that were posted. Once they saw who had posted comments, my family went to those people's pages to see if I had any similar interests/likes as those people. My family saw that Fertility Friend was a common like, so they decided to check out the site. Well, Fertility Friend is a private community where members have to pay to join. It's a community to help women on their journey to TTC. I joined the site almost 6 years ago to help chart my cycles and get support after my first miscarriage back in 2005.

Well, my family decided to join the site. They didn't join for support or help with their charting. They joined with the specific purpose of spying on me. They wanted to see what I was posting about the family. I did have a post on a private forum entitled "Family Drama." I had posted a very general and vague description of the week's past events and asked people what they would do. Would they go to the wedding, or would they stay at home? I got many mixed responses from friends that I have had since the beginning of 2007. My entire family was shown the site, what I had posted and what others had responded. There was nothing negative in the posts, but I still feel very hurt and violated. Why would my family go through so many steps just to SPY on me?

I asked Margaret which family member joined and she told me that she had done it. She also said that she had shown the site and all of my posts to my family. I have no idea if other family members have now joined, but I have "gone dark" on Fertility Friend. I have been in contact with the administration and had all of my recent posts removed from the site. I have also been in contact with some close friends (via email) to let them know that I will not be posting for a while. I intend to change my name, profile and any other pertinent information on Fertility Friend so that my family will not be able to find me.

After speaking with Margaret, I did speak to Rebecca. She raised her voice and got very firm with me, saying that she knew all about Fertility Friend. She also said that I could "put whatever sick and twisted spin you want on not coming to the wedding. You are no friend of mine and I have no intention of ever being your friend again." All of this was in regards to "defriending Rebecca and her fiance" on Facebook. I thought it was best, as things were tense and I didn't need them watching my page before the wedding. I actually ended up defriending all of my family. (Actually, I had Eddie do it, as I have given up Facebook for Lent.)

In the mean time, I have also spoken with a certified counselor. She and I feel it's best that I not have any contact with my family for a while. I'm not sure how long this will last, but if it's anything like the last big fight my mom and I had (over a misunderstanding about my going down to Alabama for a visit), it will be a VERY long time. My mom and I went 6 months without speaking. Honestly, those were some of the best 6 months of my life. I love my mom, but she is very negative and is a very negative influence in my life. When we weren't speaking, Eddie said I was much happier than he had ever seen me.

I feel like the relationship I have had with my family has not been a good or positive one for the past 21 years. A lot of this stems from my sister's death. They seem to have so much anger and resentment towards me. It's really sad that they can't leave the past in the past and just look forward to the future. That is what I have been doing, but they are so far behind, it's sad.

Anyway, the wedding was a slap in the face for many reasons. Being around family but being completely ignored was very awkward. During the ceremony, Margaret was the one who stood by Rebecca, helped with her veil, held her flowers, etc. Missy (my sister-in-law) and Laura (Rebecca's future sister-in-law) did all of the Biblical readings. I had no part in the actual wedding ceremony, except to stand there. I know that this wasn't a last minute change, as the programs had been printed before the big fight happened. I was never supposed to be involved in the wedding.

Also, the memory candle for Elizabeth (my older sister who died 21 years ago) had a place higher than I did at the altar. How can it be that the bride felt closer to her dead sister than to the one who was still alive? It was truly a slap in the face.

I didn't make any eye contact with anyone during the wedding. It would have been too painful. I'm just happy to say that I went to the wedding, so my family can't say I wasn't there. If I hadn't gone, they would have used my absence as ammunition against me for the rest of my life. This may sound selfish, but I went for myself. I went to the wedding not because I was worried about how my family would feel, but I WAS worried about how I would feel in 15-20 years from now. My conscience is clean. My family is going to have to live with the guilt of treating their daughter/sister like dirt during a family wedding for the rest of their lives. What a sad thing....

Private once again

2011-03-14T15:03:00.002-05:00

Unfortunately, I needed to make my blog private again. Things are really tense with my family right now and I think it's best that we not have any contact with each other for a while. I apologize if this makes it a little more difficult for any of you to read, but it really is for the best (for now).

My youngest sister's wedding was this weekend. It was the biggest slap in the face that I have ever received from my family. ( I will give more details about the actual wedding, why I feel it was a slap in the face, etc. in a different post.) The last thing my sister said to me on the phone was that she did NOT want me to be in her wedding and that she did NOT want me to even attend her wedding. This was all because of a big misunderstanding. I have recorded all of the events of the past week. The times listed are all based off of phone records, text messages and/or emails. It's a bit long, but this has been all typed to help me remember how everything unfolded. Honestly, it's all very childish and petty, but here it is....

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

-Planning for Rebecca’s bachelorette/lingerie shower starts to take place by Jennifer making phone calls and discussing details with Margaret, Missy and Mom. It is decided that dinner at Mom’s and Dad’s house, followed by dessert, wine, movie and lingerie shower in the basement is best.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

-Email is sent to bridesmaids at 1:16 p.m. to tell them about bachelorette/lingerie shower.

- Email is sent to Rebecca at 2:54 p.m. to let her know that bridesmaids were planning an evening of fun for her. She just needed to show up at Mom’s and Dad’s and let us take care of the rest.

-Jennifer receives response from Laura at 1:50 p.m. saying she won’t be in town for the party.

-Jennifer receives an email at 5:00 p.m. from Haley asking for Rebecca’s sizes.

-Not wanting to spoil the “surprise”, Jennifer calls Margaret and leaves a voicemail asking for Rebecca’s sizes.

-I receive an email from Margaret at 8:54 p.m. saying she doesn’t know about sizes and asking about Kasey doing her hair for the wedding. Margaret also says the party isn’t a surprise for Rebecca.

-I email Margaret at 9:59 p.m. to let her know that I haven’t heard from Kasey, but I will let her know as soon as I hear something.

Friday, March 4, 2011

-Rebecca calls Jennifer (while Jennifer is exercising), but doesn’t leave a message. (Jennifer was on the other line with Margaret, learning that Rebecca is upset over bachelorette/lingerie shower plans.)

-Jennifer calls Rebecca at 10:15 a.m. (as soon as she is back home) and leaves a voicemail asking to be called back.

-Rebecca sends email at 12:33 p.m. saying she isn’t coming to the events we planned for her. Long email, but she says she is pretty sure events are cancelled, because they were not what she wanted.

-Rebecca sends a text saying she tried to call and that she had just sent an email. Text was sent at 12:51 p.m.

-Jennifer forwards email to Margaret, as she was accidentally left off on the original copy.

-Jennifer sends email to Missy, Mom and Rebecca at 1:30 p.m. Email says that Jennifer is disappointed that Rebecca wants to cancel and that Jennifer is appalled by Rebecca’s behavior to refuse events that were planned for her (by bridesmaids and by Mom and Dad).

-Rebecca sends email to Jennifer, Mom, Missy and Margaret at 1:52 p.m. stating she is trying to clarify why she refuses to come to events and that Jennifer changed plans that were already in the works. (These plans had never been mentioned to Jennifer.) Rebecca makes no mention of any new plans that have been made or wanting to attend events sisters had planned for Rebecca.

-Rebecca calls Jennifer at 2:09 p.m. Jennifer’s ringer has been turned off while the kids nap, so Jennifer doesn’t see this call until later in the day.

-Jennifer emails Rebecca, Mom, Missy and Margaret at 2:12 p.m. stating that Jennifer wasn’t aware of any previous plans and asks again for Rebecca to let everyone know ASAP about her attending the plans we had made for her. (Even though Rebecca had cancelled them, Jennifer was hoping Rebecca would change her mind.)

-Jennifer emails Haley (a bridesmaid) at 2:27 p.m. to let her know that the lingerie shower might not be happening and that more information would be relayed soon.

-Jennifer sees a missed call from Rebecca and calls her back at 6:04 p.m.. Jennifer leaves a voicemail asking to be called back.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

-Rebecca calls Jennifer at 8:11 a.m. and leaves a voicemail asking to be called back.

-Jennifer calls Rebecca back as soon as kids are down for nap, which is at 1:40 p.m. Jennifer would have called sooner, but Saturday mornings are “Family Days” so phone calls are not made/taken between getting up and the kids going down for naps after lunch. Rebecca doesn’t answer, so Jennifer leaves a message asking to be called back.

-Jennifer calls Margaret at 6:53 p.m. and leaves voicemail asking if she has heard from Rebecca. Jennifer asks if Rebecca has changed her mind.

-Margaret calls Jennifer at 7:24 p.m. (Jennifer is out to dinner) and leaves voicemail saying Rebecca doesn’t want to be involved in plans we made for her. New plans have been made to go have pizza, go to Rebecca’s house, etc. on Thursday night for bachelorette party.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

-Jennifer sends out email at 7:54 a.m. (as soon as Jennifer listens to Margaret’s voicemail) to remaining bridesmaids to inform them that Rebecca doesn’t want to attend the events that we had planned.

-Missy calls Jennifer at 3:08 p.m. saying that Rebecca is very upset that the email was sent out to the bridesmaids canceling the original plans.

-Rebecca sends text to Jennifer at 3:08 p.m. demanding to know why an email was sent to bridesmaids canceling the plans and saying she refuses to go to Mom’s and Dad’s for dinner.

-Jennifer calls Rebecca at 3:14 p.m. to try to discuss things. Rebecca yells at Jennifer, so Jennifer ends conversation quickly.

-Margaret and Jennifer play phone tag the rest of the afternoon/evening to try and discuss the unraveling of events.

-Jennifer receives call from Mom (on Dad’s cell phone) at 4:12 p.m. wanting to know what is going on with Rebecca and Jennifer. Jennifer explains that she is done with the planning of the bachelorette/lingerie party and will not be attending any bachelorette/lingerie party events, as things have gotten complicated/out of hand.

-Jennifer calls Mom and Dad at 9:33 p.m. and talks to Mom for 1 hour and 8 minutes. Jennifer explains why she is not coming to the bahelorette/lingerie shower and explains why feelings are hurt.

Monday, March 7, 2011

-Rebecca sends email to only Jennifer at 9:38 a.m. The email is full of lies. Jennifer only reads part of the email (at this time).

-Jennifer reads first two paragraphs of Rebecca’s email at 9:47 a.m. and responds that she will not read the rest, as the email is untruthful. Jennifer also informs Rebecca that she will not be attending the bachelorette/lingerie shower.

-Dad sends email to undisclosed recipients at 11:02 and basically “stirs the pot” by bringing up past weddings, past events and the happiness of people being married today.

-Jennifer finishes reading Rebecca’s email after reading Dad’s email at 11:15. Jennifer sees that there is an ultimatum that must be fulfilled in order to be welcomed/wanted at the wedding.

-Jennifer sends email to family at 11:21 stating that the Ernst family will not be attending the wedding. Jennifer also asks the people not call/email about the decision.

-Jennifer sends email to brunch hostess to cancel attendance for brunch on Friday, March 11, 2011.

-Jennifer calls Mom at 11:31 and apologizes for not coming down. Jennifer tells Mom that this was a difficult decision and that she wishes things had worked out differently.

-Jennifer sends email to church mentor at 10:24 p.m. explaining that she is going through a tough family situation and would like some counseling.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

-Missy calls Jennifer at 9:33 a.m. wanting to talk about Jennifer’s decision not to come. Jennifer says she doesn’t wish to discuss the details with Missy, as Missy is not directly involved.

-Church mentor contacts Jennifer at 11:25 a.m. and says she will pray and meet with Jennifer after Bible study in the evening.

-Jennifer meets with church mentor at 8:45 p.m. It is decided that not going to the wedding is best (for now), but another meeting tomorrow morning should happen.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

-Jennifer meets with church mentor at 9:00 a.m. It is decided that a separation from Jennifer’s family is probably best, as the family relationship is not very healthy at this time.

-Jennifer calls Mom and Dad at 1:45 p.m. and tells them that not coming to wedding was not an easy decision. Mom and Dad don’t listen to Jennifer and continually interrupt her. Mom and Dad get off phone with Jennifer very abruptly after giving Jennifer guilt trip, say untrue things, etc.

-Jennifer calls church mentor at 2:15 p.m. and is given the name of a certified counselor.

-Jennifer calls counselor at 3:15 p.m. and explains events of the past week. Counselor tells Jennifer to ask Rebecca if she is even wanted at the wedding. Counselor suggests at least attending the wedding, but also suggests to stay in a hotel (not with family).

-Jennifer calls Rebecca at 4:25 p.m. and asks is she is wanted in the wedding. Rebecca responds “No, not really.” Rebecca becomes angry and phone conversation turns unpleasant. Rebecca hangs up on Jennifer.

-Jennifer calls Grandmother at 5:31 p.m. to explain her side of the story, as Grandmother has been told what is going on by other family members. Grandmother pleads with Jennifer to attend the wedding.

-Rebecca calls Jennifer at 4:30 and asks, “Do you WANT to be in the wedding?” Jennifer responds, “If you want me to be in the wedding, I will be there.” Rebecca becomes angry and says not to put the decision on her and then hangs up.

-Margaret calls Jennifer at 9:58 p.m. and tells Jennifer what family has been saying about the situation. Margaret says Mom and Rebecca are getting more and more angry. Margaret says the rest of the family wants Jennifer to come. Margaret tells Jennifer that family has been spying on Jennifer through internet sites. Jennifer tells Margaret that she is hurt, but she will attend the wedding, but won’t be coming down until Friday afternoon.

-Clark sends Jennifer text message at 11:52 p.m. saying thank you for extending an olive branch (by coming to the wedding) and that he would work to put out fires with the rest of the family.

-Jennifer calls Clark at 11:54 p.m. to thank him for being nice.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

-Jennifer calls Rebecca at 9:12 a.m. and leaves a voicemail asking to be called back.

-Jennifer calls Mom and Dad at 9:12 a.m. and tells them she is going to come down for the wedding. Jennifer asks them not to tell Rebecca, as Jennifer wants to tell Rebecca personally. Jennifer also tells Mom and Dad she will be staying in a hotel.

-Rebecca sends text to Jennifer at 10:57 a.m. saying she is glad Jennifer and family are coming to wedding. Jennifer is frustrated that she wasn’t able to tell Rebecca in person.

-Dad calls Jennifer at 2:44 p.m. and leaves message asking what time Jennifer will be stopping by the house to drop off bags before rehearsal on Friday afternoon.

-Jennifer returns Dad’s call at 3:50 p.m. saying she will not be stopping by the house before the rehearsal. Jennifer says the family will drive in and go to the rehearsal.

Friday, March 11, 2011

-Jennifer and Ernst family leave St. Louis at 8:01 a.m.

-Jennifer and Ernst family arrive at Embassy Suites at 3:55 p.m., change clothes and leave for rehearsal at the church.

-Jennifer and Ernst family arrive at church at 4:45 p.m. Dad hugs Jennifer and says he is glad she is there. Mom half hugs Jennifer and tells her she looks nice. Rebecca hugs Jennifer (20 minutes after Jennifer arrives) and says she is glad Jennifer is there. The rest of the family ignores Jennifer during rehearsal.

-After rehearsal, Tim speaks to Jennifer. Margaret arrives late and half hugs Jennifer. Missy completely ignores Jennifer. Bill half hugs Jennifer. These were the only interactions with the family all night.

-Jennifer tells Dad she and family won’t be attending rehearsal dinner, as kids are tired and Mom told Jennifer that the Ernst family seats had been given away.

-Jennifer and Ernst family go back to hotel at 6:45 p.m.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

-Jennifer and family take kids over to Mom’s and Dad’s house at 9:05 a.m.

-Conversation is minimal, so Jennifer mostly talks to Grandmother. Eddie plays in playroom with Tim’s girlfriend for most of the time we are there. Dad has some interaction with Elizabeth. Mom has minimal interaction with Elizabeth before leaving to get ready for the wedding.

-Jennifer and Ernst family leave at 10:15 a.m.

-Jennifer and Ernst family arrive at church at 3:25 p.m. for pictures. Mom tells Jennifer that her alterations on dress look good. Little to no interaction with family and bridal party.

-Wedding is at 6:00 p.m. Jennifer participates in wedding (even though she was never told she was wanted). Jennifer avoids eye contact with family/bridal party, as she has been excluded from all ceremony readings, responsibilities.

-Post-wedding pictures take place from 6:20-7:15 p.m. No interaction between Jennifer and family/bridal party.

-Jennifer and Ernst family arrive at reception at 7:30 p.m. Jennifer is bombarded by people wanting to talk to her, see kids, etc. Jennifer briefly sees Grandmother, Aunt Barbara and cousins. Jennifer never sees any family members until Dad comes over at 8:15 to see Elizabeth.

-Jennifer and Ernst family leave reception at 8:30 before cake is served, as kids are tired and Jennifer is ready for night to be over.

-Jennifer and Ernst family return to hotel at 9:00 p.m.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

-Jennifer and Ernst family leave for St. Louis at 8:53 a.m.

-Dad calls Jennifer at 3:57 asking if Jennifer and Ernst family made it back to St. Louis.
-Jennifer and Ernst family make it home at 4:37 p.m.

-Jennifer sends Dad a text at 4:52 saying, “We are home.”

-Dad texts Jennifer saying, “Good. Thnx.”

Let Go. Let God.

2011-03-10T09:30:00.002-06:00

That is the phrase that I have been repeating to myself over and over for the past 48 hours. There are a lot of things going on in my life right now that I do not feel I am able to type out at this moment in time, yet I still feel the need and want to blog. This is very therapeutic for me. I don't know who all reads this. It might be just me on most days. Some days it might be old high school friends. Some days it might be friends that I have made, but never met in real life. Some days it might be complete strangers who don't even know me. It might even be read by friends that I hold very near and dear to my heart right now. I never know, and I like that I don't know.

Even though this is a public blog, it feels very private here. I feel that I can type out whatever I want, feel, think, etc. This also serves as a journal (or diary) of sorts. I used to be GREAT at keeping a written journal. It was a good thing that I did that, but I stopped, as I am a slow writer. I started blogging as a way to keep my family informed about my journey to try and have children. Over time, my blog has changed. It is now a way to chronicle events in my life. Some of these event are good and some are not so good.

I am very saddened that the relationship with my family is not as good as I would like for it to be right now. I feel that I am doing everything in my power to make things right, but it is a struggle. There has been a lot of hurt and anger from both myself and my family. My youngest sister is getting married this weekend and the decision to go/not go has been a very tough and thought out decision. My husband and I have decided that our family will go. We hope and pray that our whole family (ourselves included) can put all of the differences aside for just over 24 hours in order to celebrate God's gift of marriage. I want nothing more than for Saturday to be the happiest day in the world for my sister. I hope and pray that it is.

So for now, I will continue to say, "Let go. Let God." because it is so true. If I let go of everything, I know that God will take control and that He will comfort me. I also believe in Philippines 4:13 which says, "I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength." I know that God is going to be with me this weekend. I know that He is always with all of us, but it's especially nice to think about when we are going through personal struggles.

Fat Tuesday

2011-03-08T22:37:00.002-06:00

Today is Fat Tuesday, the day before Lent. I have always tried to give up something for Lent, but it's hard. When I'm pregnant, I usually don't give up anything during Lent, as I was already giving up alcohol, my body, carbs., sleep, etc. This year, even though I am pregnant (YAY!), I have decided to give up a true temptation for me....Facebook.

I really like Facebook. In fact, I like it too much. I check it very regularly and will often post multiple "updates" in a single day. I love knowing what other people are up to, what's on their minds, and what others are thinking and feeling. I saw that a couple of my friends were giving up Facebook for Lent. I originally thought, "Wow, I could never do that. I love Facebook too much." But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I NEEDED to give up Facebook for 6 weeks. If I could spend even a fraction of the time I spend on Facebook in the word of God, I will be a much better person. So I decided, on a whim, tonight that I would join my two friends and give up Facebook for Lent. I made a final post this evening and I truly hope I can stick with it.

I just started a new Beth Moore Bible study through my church tonight called "Living Beyond Yourself." It focuses on the fruit of the Spirit and I'm so excited to do it. It requires 5 nights of at-home study lasting 30-45 minutes each night and then we meet on Tuesday nights to watch a video and discuss the lessons from the past week. I did a Beth Moore Bible study on Esther when I was pregnant with Elizabeth and it was AWESOME, so I'm hoping this one will be good for me. There has been a lot of turmoil in my life and this Bible study seems to have come at the perfect time. (More on my turmoil in another post.)

For now, I am excited about my Facebook hiatus and getting my life back on track. This is the start to a newer, healthier and happier me. I can't wait! :)

Funk

2011-02-24T15:26:00.002-06:00

I'm in a funk and I don't know why. I'm really excited to find out that baby #3 is a boy and I'm happy about him being a boy. I went shopping for baby furniture today and I couldn't get excited about it. I have also been looking at baby bedding, and again, I'm not excited about it. I also went to my needlepoint store today to pick up some threads for the new baby's stocking but I don't want to work on it. :(

I don't really want to do much of anything, actually. I just want to sit around and drink chocolate milkshakes, but I know that I can't do that, so I'm not. I did, however, have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast and then followed it with a doughnut about an hour later. I also had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with Cheeto's for lunch. I had waaaaaaay too many Cheeto's, but was still hungry, so I had a small ice cream cone. What in the world is wrong with me?!?!?!? I NEVER eat that kind of junk, or if I do, I'm out exercising to work it all off. I'm terrified to exercise while pregnant because in the past, I have miscarried every single pregnancy when I didn't stop exercising. I'm sure it's just a coincidence, but it still freaks me out.

So, I'm just sitting here....in a funk....not getting anything done (except getting fat). Argh!

It's a.....

2011-02-23T15:16:00.003-06:00

....BOY! We had our big ultrasound today (17w6d) and the baby looked healthy and was definitely all boy! He was all curled up and had his left hand up behind his head during the entire ultrasound. He looked really comfy and laid back, so he must get that from my husband's side of the family!

I am SO happy for E5 that this little one is a boy. He has been asking for a baby brother for a long time (even before I got pregnant). I picked E5 up from preschool and told him that the baby in my tummy was definitely a boy and his response was, "Where is he? Is he going to come out of your tummy like Pop Goes the Weasel?" It was SO cute to listen to him ask questions. I've been trying to explain that his baby brother won't be here until it's really hot outside and not until the outdoor pool is open. He understands that there is a baby in my tummy, but that's about it. He thinks the baby just sits in there and plays. :) Don't kids say the darndest things? :)

I picked up baby boy's stocking yesterday but I didn't get to start on it until this afternoon because I didn't have the correct size needles. I had to make an emergency trip to my needlepoint store to get the needles. Once I had them, I didn't feel very motivated to work on it. The stocking looks great. I'm THRILLED about the baby being healthy. I was indifferent on the gender, so why am I not excited to work on the stocking? Maybe with all of the smocking and needlepointing I recently finished, I just want a little break. Unfortunately, I need to finish the stocking in about 3 months in order to have it put together in time for the baby's arrival. Ack. I guess it's the time crunch that has me not excited. Oh well!

We managed to get a babysitter last night (our first one on a school night) and we were treated to dinner at The Saint Louis Club by my father-in-law. I had butternut squash bisque with foie gras, Colorado lamb loin wellington and a Grand Marnier souffle. It was all SO good. The only thing that was missing was a nice bottle of pinot noir! ;)

That's all the news for now. Today is the second day in a row where E5 hasn't napped at all and Elizabeth has taken a very short nap. It should be an interesting afternoon and early evening in our house.....

Family fun rocket

2011-02-21T15:31:00.004-06:00

That's right. I did it. I traded in my SUV this morning and bought a new 2011 Honda Odyssey. I always said I would NEVER get a minivan, but with baby #3 on the way, I just didn't see a way around it. I could have gone with a Suburban, Tahoe, or other larger SUV, but I'm just tired of dealing with opening doors while hold kids, hoisting kids into their car seats, etc. So, I am now officially a minivan mom....and I have to say I LOVE IT!

My SUV was only 14 months old and I really like it. It was a Hyudai Santa Fe Limited and it was awesome. We bought it last winter because we thought we were done having kids and I really liked driving an SUV. I was really upset when I realized I would have to trade it in (because 3 car seats won't fit in it), but then I started to embrace it. I started test driving minivans about 6 weeks ago and I secretly fell in love with the Honda Odyssey. It's quite roomy, yet I don't feel like I'm driving a minivan. It handles really well and the ride is VERY smooth.

My husband was a sweetheart and said we could get the touring model, which is a step up from the EX-L (the model I was originally looking into buying). I looked into buying a used van for several weeks, but I couldn't find one that had all the features I wanted AND was in good shape. We finally decided to just suck it up and get a new one and I'm SO glad we did. The 2011 Odyssey has been redesigned and it's really awesome!

Anyway, I did all of the negotiating by myself!! In the past, I have always had Eddie go with me, so it was very liberating to go to the dealerships by myself (or with just the kids) and do all the haggling. It was exhausting, but I stuck to my guns and ended up getting a great deal! I just picked up the van this morning and I actually spent 2 hours sitting in my garage figuring out how to use all the bells and whistles. :)

But enough about my new family fun rocket. My big ultrasound is in two days. I originally wanted to stay on Team Green with this pregnancy, but E4 really wants to find out the gender. I told him that if he made time to come to my appointment, that we could find out the gender. I didn't think he would come, but he has cleared his schedule, so we will be finding out the gender really soon! Now that I know he is coming, I'm starting to get excited about finding out the gender. We are pretty sure this baby is a boy (based off of earlier ultrasounds), but it will be nice to have a confirmation. I haven't even really started to look at baby bedding or cribs, so I guess I will have to get on the ball.

Elizabeth has been a bit of a pill lately. She has been really cranky and irritable, and I'm not sure what's wrong. I remember E5 going through a phase like this when he was around 18 months, so maybe it's just a phase that all babies go through. It's really tough and I'm trying not to get frustrated with her, but it's hard. Both she and E5 are very demanding and I am really tired, so it's not a very good combination.

On a totally different note, my youngest sister is getting married in 2 1/2 weeks. We ordered the bridesmaid dresses 4 1/2 moths ago (before I was pregnant), and now I can barely fit into the dress. I can get the dress zipped, but only with a lot of help. I took the dress to my seamstress and she said there wasn't much she could do because of the style of the dress. I know that the baby is growing rapidly (and so am I), so I started my gestational diabetes diet early. I'm taking my GD test on Wednesday, but I figured I would go ahead and start the diet a few days early. I'm hoping to shed a little "extra cuteness" before the wedding. Hopefully, losing a little "fluff" will allow the baby to get bigger without making the dress any tighter. Please keep your fingers crossed for me!!

That's the update from here. The weather was gorgeous yesterday, but now it's rainy and cold. The kids and I are getting cabin fever, so hopefully Spring will be here soon!

A little update

2011-02-15T13:01:00.003-06:00

I haven't updated just because I don't really feel that there's a whole lot to say. Things are humming along as usual with our family. E4 has really come around to baby #3, so the tension in the house is MUCH lower! In fact, I have even been out shopping for a new minivan! We just bought my current car, a Hyundai Santa Fe, only 14 months ago, but there really isn't room for 3 car seats, so it looks like I am making the jump to the family fun rocket. I really like the new Honda Odyssey, so I have now left it up to E4 to negotiate and close on a deal. We are hoping to get it done before my sister's wedding, which is in 3 1/2 weeks because we really don't want to add another 1000 miles to my current car right before we sell it.

I am 16w5d today and everything seems to be going fine with the pregnancy. The morning sickness has FINALLY started to lift this week and I am starting to feel a little more human! :) I started feeling random kicks from the baby right at 13 weeks, but I wasn't feeling them every day. I am definitely feeling movements and kicks on a daily basis now, so hopefully that means this little one is growing as he/she should! I have my "big ultrasound" one week from tomorrow. I will also be doing my gestational diabetes test on that day. I'm not looking forward to it, since I have failed it both times in the past, so I'm stocking up on carbs while I can!

E5 is loving his new preschool and Elizabeth and I have settled into a weekly routine of Gymboree, Kindermusik and PDO. I'm still feeling tired all the time, but I guess that's to be expected when I have a 3 year old, a 1 year old, and another baby on the way. My biggest dream/desire right now is to have 24 hours away from home so that I can get caught up on some R&R. Is it bad that I want some time away from my kids? I hope not....I just want a little break.

Oh, and to top things off, E4 sprained his ankle playing tennis this past weekend, so he is even more needy than the kids right now. I'm running myself ragged trying to stay on top of everything, keep everyone happy and feed clean up after everyone. It really is a full time (and then some) job!

The weather finally warmed up enough this week for us to get outside. It's been a pretty rough winter with lots of snow/ice and the majority of our days have been well below freezing. We were up in the 60's this past weekend and we are supposed to get up into the 60's later on this week. I'm trying to take full advantage of the weather by getting the kids outside to play, go on walks, etc. It really has helped to lift my spirits.

That's all the news for now. I just finished smocking a dress for Elizabeth to wear in my sister's wedding and for Easter. I'm still waiting on the baby #3's Christmas stocking to arrive, but it should be here this week. I'm getting a little antsy to start on it because it's going to take many months to finish it!

Talking to God

2011-01-28T11:48:00.003-06:00

I meant to write a post two weeks ago, but as usual, I haven't gotten around to it. We went to church two Saturdays ago, and during communion, E5 noticed a telephone in the altar area right by the pastor's chair. He kept pointing to the telephone and asking why it was there. Eddie and I kept telling him to be quiet and listen to the service, so he finally stopped asking about the phone. After the sermon, we had communion, so the whole family went up to the front of the church. As we were kneeling down for communion, E5 points the phone and asked, "Why is the phone there? Is that so we can talk to God?" It was the sweetest and most innocent question! We heard several chuckles from other church members, as we quietly told E5 that the phone was for Pastor Smith to talk to other people in the church.

But who knows.....maybe it IS a direct line for talking to God! :)

Life Lessons from a Pound Cake

2011-01-14T14:48:00.004-06:00

While making a pound cake today, I realized that some good lessons on life can be taken directly from the pound cake directions. So, to change things up a bit, I'm going to post the recipe I used and my thoughts to go along with it.

Southern Cream Cheese Pound Cake

2 sticks of butter
1 stick of margarine
8 oz. package cream cheese
3 C. sugar
3 C. flour
6 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla

Bring cold ingredients to room temperature. (butter, margarine, cream cheese)
Cream together butter, margarine and cream cheese.
GRADUALLY add sugar.
Beat on high for 10 minutes. (Just set a kitchen time and read a book.....seriously!)
Add flour and eggs, alternately. (Start with flour and end with flour.)
Add vanilla and beat on high until fluffy (about 5 minutes).
Bake at 325 degrees in a greased and floured angel food cake pan for 1 1/2 hours, or until done with the toothpick test.
Cool in pan for 15 minutes before removing.

So, I got to thinking about how the first three ingredients, the heart and soul of the cake, need to be at room temperature.....Just like we should make sure that our heart, soul and emotions are at "room temperature" before we try to resolve any disagreements with other people. I think that most of you know that things have been pretty tense for me during these past few weeks. I have tried talking with E4 about some of our issues, but I have found that the conversation isn't very progressive unless I'm at "room temperature." Trying to resolve issues while I'm still angry (or feeling cold towards a person) doesn't work. You HAVE to be a room temperature.

Next, you have to cream together the butter, margarine and cream cheese. Just like our heart, soul and emotions need to be creamed together for us to truly be happy. Without creaming everything together, you have lumps/bumps. Who wants those? ;o)

Gradually add sugar. How does this apply to life? Well, I take it to mean that you have to add sweetness slowly. Too much sugar at once can be a little overwhelming....for a cake AND for people. I think everyone knows of at least one person who is almost too sweet. I know that I do. I think being sweet/nice in small increments (especially if people are upset/angry with you) goes a long way!

And now for the most important (and secret) step of the recipe......Beat on high for 10 minutes. Heh, heh, heh. I could take this to mean a lot of things, but here is how I am taking it. Most people only mix their cake mixes for a couple of minutes, or 5 at the absolute most. A pound cake is a different animal. You seriously beat it, on high, for at least 10 minutes. Why? This helps the batter become extremely light and fluffy. I always feel bad for my mixer during this step because it sounds like it is in serious pain and/or dying. But just like the mixer is working hard, harder for a pound cake than for any other baked good, we have to work hard at our relationships. Nothing is easy and there is never a "quick fix" when things aren't going well. You have to work much longer and harder on your marriage and family relationships than with any other relationships. So, even though it's a lot of work, running the mixer on high for longer than you think, is sooooooo worth it, just like working at your marriage/problems harder than you think is soooooooo worth it!

Add flour and eggs alternately, starting with flour and ending with flour. I asked my mom about this step and she said, "You just HAVE to start with flour and end with flour....I don't know why, but you do." I have never tried to make my pound cake any other way, because I have always taken my mom's word for it. I take this to mean you can't keep things the same in your life, as your life is always changing. Mixing things up and not 'dumping things into your life all at once' helps to keep things nice, even and smooth.

Add vanilla and beat on high until fluffy (about 5 minutes). Ah, the vanilla! I often forget to add it when I make my pound cakes. I don't know why, but I just forget! The cake will still taste good without it, but man, oh man, it tastes GREAT when you remember to use it. A little bit of spice (or vanilla) goes a long way! Remember to add a little extra 'something' to your marriage/life. You'll be fine without it, but WOW, it makes a different when you add it. Also, just because you added a little spice doesn't mean you don't have to keep working. Just like my poor mixer is on Death's door step by this point, you have to keep working hard!

Bake at 325 degrees in a greased and floured angel food cake pan for 1 1/2 hours or until done with a toothpick test. Sometimes my cakes take 1 1/2 hours, and sometimes that take 1 hour and 35 minutes. It's not much of a time difference, but there can be a BIG difference in the final product. Perfect timing is EVERYTHING! If you don't bake the cake long enough, there will be a raw streak in the middle.....Bake it too long and it will be dry. The same is true about everything else in life. Timing needs to be perfect. Never confront a spouse with a problem after they have had a bad day at work. THAT would be bad timing. Wait for your spouse to have decompressed....Give them that extra 5 minutes. It will make all the difference in the world.

Cool in pan 15 minutes before serving. If you pull the cake out of the pan too soon, you run the risk of it falling apart. You also run the risk of the cake drying out a little faster. This reminds me of how you should always step back from a situation, especially when you are upset or angry, before you try to resolve an issue. Cool for a few minutes, hours, days, or whatever. Take a deep breath, calm down and THEN you can tackle your problems head on!

So, those are my 'deep thoughts' for the day. If nothing else, I hope some one reads this and at least tries the recipe. It really does make a WONDERFUL pound cake.....and a couple of nice life lessons, too! ;)

NT Scan and going public

2011-01-12T12:49:00.002-06:00

I am 11w6d today and I had my NT scan this morning. The baby was in a perfect position for the measurement, so it was really easy. The u/s tech. was SUPER nice. She was an older lady from Chattanooga, TN, and we chatted a bunch about the south. It was SO nice to talk with another Southern Lady! Anyway, the nuchal fold measurement is supposed to come back less than 2 and this baby's measurement was 1.0-1.2. Also, we were able to see the nasal bone, so the chances of this baby having Downs Syndrome, Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18 are very low. I still did the bloodwork and should have the results back early next week. I felt comfortable enough with the results of the u/s to go ahead and make my pregnancy public on Facebook. I put my status as, "Oops...We did it again! Baby #3 is due in July!!" I have received a lot of positive responses, so it's a good feeling to know that there are others out there that are happy for me/us.

Again, everything looked great on the u/s. The tech. took her time and showed me every little detail about the baby. We even took a guess on the gender based on "the angle of the dangle." We are 99% sure this baby is going to be a boy. I know E5 is going to be SO excited to have a little brother....That's all he talks about. E5 often says, "I already have a baby sister, let's have a baby brother this time." I'm really indifferent about the gender of this baby. I already have a boy and a girl, so a healthy baby sounds GREAT to me! :) I also kind of like the idea of Elizabeth being 'queen bee' with all the Ernst men around!

These past few weeks have really flown by. I have still been feeling really sick, though. The vomiting has subsided, but I still feel nauseated 24/7, which isn't much fun. I do take comfort, though, because it helps keep me calm and lets me know that this baby is doing well.

Over New Years, I was inspired by Julia Child, so I decided to cook her Beef Bourguignon. I bought a new Le Creuset dutch oven (as an anniversary present for E4 and myself) and I cooked it all day on New Year's Day. It took a total of 6 1/2 hours to prepare and cook, but it was SO worth it! I cooked almost 3 pounds of meat and served it to E4, his brother Chris, and myself. I had one serving and the guys ate the rest!! Can you believe it?!?!?!? They loved it and asked when I was going to cook it again. My response? "Not any time soon!"

The next weekend, I prepared dinners for my sister-in-law, Julie and her husband, Jeff. I made a double batch of lasagna on Saturday. Again, it took almost 6 hours to cook the sauce, so it really was a labor of love. I put the lasagnas together on Sunday and then froze them. I then cut the lasagnas into 2-serving portions. I like doing this because you can get three meals for two people out of a single lasagna. Again, it was a lot of work, but the end result was REALLY good! The upside is that I now have two additional dinners in my freezer for whenever I don't feel like cooking again! :) I also made a double batch of Chicken Pockets, but those were eaten right away.

That's about all the news for now. I'm happy that I don't have to keep this pregnancy a secret anymore and I'm even more THRILLED that everything appears to be healthy with baby #3!! YAY!!!!

Crazy couple of weeks

2010-12-31T13:39:00.002-06:00

Sorry for not updating...again. Things have been beyond crazy around here, so I don't even know WHERE to start! I guess I'll start with the pregnancy. I'm 10w1d today and have been feeling pretty good. The "morning sickness" has been really bad with this pregnancy. I didn't get sick with Eddie or Elizabeth, so this is all new for me. I started getting sick at 6w4d. I had a stomach virus the day before, so I thought my queasiness was from that, but boy was I wrong! I kept getting sick to my stomach, but only between 10-2 every day. The nausea got worse and worse until I finally started throwing up...YUCK! Now, I'm nauseated most of the day and I usually get sick in the late afternoon or early evening. It's not fun throwing up, but it does help me feel a little better about the pregnancy! :)

Christmas was a wild and crazy time at our house this year! The kids were really excited (especially E5) about Santa, presents and lots of cookies. We went to the 3:30 service at our church on Christmas Eve and then we came home and let the kids open up one present (a book for each). We read their new books and then we went to Wan Fu, our favorite Chinese restaurant, for dinner. My father-in-law and brother-in-law, Chris, met us for dinner and it was a great time. The kids were pretty well behaved, but we definitely didn't linger at the restaurant too long! ;)

After dinner, the kids went straight to bed. E4 and I watched the final episode of The Tudors on TV and then I put all of the kids' Santa presents out before we went to bed. My husband was too busy getting ready for bed to help with the gifts, so I was a little miffed at that, but oh well!

Christmas morning was a blast! I made our traditional pancakes and mimosas (virgin for me!) and then we opened up Santa gifts. E5 got a balance bike, helmet, Hot Wheels, a Hot Wheels race track and Chutes and Ladders. Elizabeth got a personalized chair from Pottery Barn Kids, some doll accessories, a stroller for her doll and a new teddy bear. Big Eddie got Barnes and Noble gift certificates, Fannie May Pixies and tickets to see U2 in concert in July 2011. I got Frederick Fekkai shampoo and conditioner, Bliss body scrub and Fable III. We also made our annual trip up to Walgreens just before lunch because I never seem to remember in advance that the grocery store isn't open on Christmas, so it was a frozen pizza and pizza rolls for us! ;)

We had Christmas dinner at Jeff and Julie's house. Julie's parents were still in town from Jeffrey Jr. being born, so Julie's mom cooked for all of us. We had marinated pork loin, crab au gratin, green beans, sweet potato sticks, italian salad, rolls and chocolate pie with ice cream for dessert. It was all SO good....and especially because I didn't have to cook or clean any of it! We also opened presents with Jeff, Julie, Julie's parents and Chris. All in all, it was one of the best Christmases we have had in years....It was such a nice treat to not be by ourselves! (My family was in Alabama and the rest of Eddie's family was in Florida.)

My parents, Tim and Tim's girlfriend, Ashley, came up for a quick visit the day after Christmas. They got here at 2:15 on Sunday afternoon, so I had a nice visit with them while the kids napped and while E4 played tennis. Once the kids got up at 4:00, we opened up family presents. It was REALLY chaotic, but also a lot of fun! My family went a little overboard with a bunch of toys for the kids, but I enjoyed seeing them all so happy! :)

My family left the next day at 8:00 in the morning. Tim had some kind of stomach bug, which no one else seemed to catch, so I think everyone was happy to get out the door quickly. I loved having most of my family up for a visit, but I wish they could have stayed longer. Maybe another time....

Now that I've updated the holidays, I will update everything else. E4's job is going really well and he is still loving the new firm. Little Eddie will start his new preschool, Lucky Lane, next week, so we are ALL excited about that. Elizabeth will continue doing PDO (I think) through the end of this school year.

Elizabeth and I are STILL sick, but we were FINALLY given a diagnosis. After 4 rounds of antibiotics, Elizabeth's wet cough and sinus infections never seemed to go away. We went to Dr Laycob's partner, Dr. Huger, (because Laycob was out of town) and she decided to run a bacteria panel. Well, Elizabeth tested positive for Haemophilus Influenza Type B, or Hib. Elizabeth has received 2 out of 3 Hib vaccines, so I guess she was still susceptible to the infection. There are two kids at PDO who don't vaccinate, so I'm pretty sure this is where she got it. She is now on a really strong antibiotic and is showing signs of improving. It's about time, too.....She has been sick for 10 weeks straight! :(

As for me, I have been continuously sick for the past 8 weeks. I have done three rounds of antibiotics and am just starting my 4th round. We are pretty sure that I have Hib, too, as the vaccine wasn't readily available until the 1980's. The problem with me is that I can't take really strong antibiotics because of the pregnancy. We are hoping and praying that a 10 day course of strong Amoxicillin will do the trick. Only time will tell!

Now it's New Year's Eve and so I guess it's time to wrap up the year. I hope that all of you have a wonderful and blessed start to the new year! I pray that 2011 is a great year for all of us!! :)

A little relief

2010-12-21T12:58:00.001-06:00

I was able to find Nugget's heartbeat today on my doppler! I am 8w5d and was starting to get nervous because I was able to hear Elizabeth's heartbeat when I was only 7w6d. This baby implanted at the top and center of my uterus (and my uterus is tipped backward), so I knew it might be difficult to find! It was such a HUGE relief to hear that beautiful sound this morning! :)

Trying to relax, but it's hard!

2010-12-21T09:40:00.003-06:00

Sorry that I haven't updated in a while. With Christmas being only 4 days away, things are a little hectic around here! I have been busy getting ready for Christmas and it's hard when I'm the only person who does all of the shopping, wrapping, etc. My husband is being a little bit of a grinch this year (because of baby #3), so things are especially tense around here. I have managed to cut way back on our gifts this year, so hopefully that will help. The kids are only getting a book and two small toys from Mom and Dad, while Santa is bringing them 4 presents. I also cut back on gifts to our families, as there are now over 20 people in our combined families, PLUS all of Elizabeth's and Eddie's teachers at PDO.

Speaking of PDO, little Eddie's last day will be tomorrow, Dec. 22. Eddie and I decided a few months ago that E5 needs a little more structure during his day, so we are sending him to full-time preschool starting in January. He will be going to Lucky Lane, which is a preschool that runs 5 days a week from 9:00-11:30. There is an option to let him stay later, but I haven't decided if I am going to do that or not. Five days a week seems like a lot for a three year old, but it's only 2 1/2 hours a day, so I think he should be ok. The sad thing about E5 being in school every day is that we won't have any more "special dates." I really enjoyed those every Friday while Elizabeth was in PDO, so we will have to come up with something else to do that will be 'special.' Our last special date involved us making Christmas spritz cookies, which was a first for our house! It was a lot of work, but SO much fun!

I had my 8 week appt. with Dr. DeRosa yesterday and everything went well. I had a mini-breakdown when I told him that I was worried about this baby because my first miscarriage was around 9 weeks. Dr. DeRosa must have felt bad for me because he got me in for a quick u/s! I measured 8w5d (one day ahead!!) on the u/s and the baby looked great! It was a relief to see that everything is going well with the pregnancy, but I'm still having a hard time relaxing!

Dr. DeRosa asked if Eddie had come around to the idea of baby #3, and I was sad to tell him no. Things aren't much better between Eddie and myself. It will be 5 weeks tomorrow since I told him about the pregnancy, and he still hasn't had any physical contact with me. I am trying to be optimistic that he will come around by Christmas, but my hope is fading quickly. Sometimes I feel like I understand why he is being so distant, but other times I am furious. I often wish he would "put on his big boy pants and deal with it." Argh....Ok, enough venting and on to more pleasant things.

I have had two nephews born this past week! Andrew Charles Hudson was born 6 weeks prematurely on December 16 to my brother Bill and his wife, Missy. He was 5 lb. 5 oz. and seemed to be doing well until he was 2 days old. He developed Necrotizing Interocolitiis (NEC) which is a bacterial infection that kills and eats the small intestines, large intestines, and bowels. Things were touch and go the first few days of his life, but he seems to be responding well to the antibiotics and appears that he will make a full recovery in about a month.

Jeffrey William Ernst, Jr. was born to my brother-in-law, Jeff, and his wife, Julie. He was born on December 19 and weighed 7 lb. 5 oz. I was able to visit Julie in the hospital yesterday and got to hold little Jeffrey. He was so tiny and cute!! I haven't held a one day old baby since Elizabeth was born and it made me long for another one! ;)

That's pretty much the update from around here. I need to get back to wrapping presents while Elizabeth is napping. E5's Christmas program at school is today, so my morning is going to be cut short. I wish all of you that read this a very merry Christmas and I hope to update again soon!

Three years

2010-12-10T13:43:00.002-06:00

I can't believe that three years ago today, I became a mommy! Sometimes it seems like E5 got here just yesterday, but other times it seems like he has been around for forever! We let him open up his birthday presents this morning (so that he could play with his toys all day). E4 and I gave him a Buzz Lightyear toy that lights up, has retractable wings, and makes sound effects when you push different buttons. My parents gave him the matching Woody toy, so now he has Buzz and Woody to play with today! :) We are also giving him Toy Story 3, but we are going to wait and give that to him tonight and we will watch it tomorrow while Elizabeth takes her morning nap.

Poor Eddie had a rough start to his day, though. After I dropped off Elizabeth at PDO, I took E5 to his yearly check-up at the pediatrician. I honestly thought they were going to just weigh him, and check him out, but he ended up getting a shot. :( After that, I took him to get some new shoes, but we couldn't find any with enough green on them. (Green is Eddie's favorite color.) We were still given a balloon and a cookie at the store for at least trying on a few pairs of shoes, so that pacified him for a while. I then took E5 to a Christian bookstore to find a nativity set that was 'kid friendly.' I found one that has characters that are made like stuffed animals, so I got it for the kids to play with for the next couple of weeks.

I then took Eddie to the mall and we played with the train set at Barnes and Noble. Eddie is a member of the Kid's Club so he also got a free cupcake while we were there! After the mall, we ate lunch at McAlister's Deli. We then killed some time at the Hallmark store and then we picked up Elizabeth from PDO.

The kids are down for a nap now, so I'm about to tackle my great picture project. I keep trying to stay on top of labeling, organizing and putting away my pictures, but I have let it slide for the last 14 months. Time to get caught back up again.

Anyway, that's the update for now. I'm 7w1d and tried to listen to the heartbeat on my doppler, but it's still too early. Hopefully, I'll be able to hear the new baby's heartbeat in another week or so.

Again, a very happy birthday to E5! He was and always will be my miracle baby! :)

124

2010-12-07T14:37:00.002-06:00

That was Nugget's heartbeat at my ultrasound this morning....124 beats per minutes (bpm). He/she measured 6w4d and I am 6w5d, so everything looks good for now. I won't have another u/s until my first trimester screening, which will be around 12 weeks. That u/s will be to check for different trisomies and other possible problems. Given that this is my 9th pregnancy, I just want to make sure everything is ok with this little one, and if it's not, I want to be prepared!

There has been a lot going on these past few days. Last week was a CRAZY week! I had to cook dinner with my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group for our church. MOPS is in charge of hosting advent dinners every Wednesday night during the month of December and I signed up to help cook on the first Wednesday. We made a pasta dish and we had to make it for 150 people. Did I mention that we only had 1 1/2 hours to cook, too? I was in charge of cooking 30 pounds of pasta and helping to make the sauce. It was a lot of hard work, but SOOOOO worth it! I can honestly say that I have a new respect for people who work in mass kitchens...They work REALLY HARD! Anyway, I ended up staying an extra 40 minutes because it took a little longer to cook the food than we thought, but we were able to get everything out just as the first diners arrived! :)

Thursday was a slow day. I had my MOPS meeting in the morning and then my neighbor and her two girls came over to play in the afternoon. Friday was a long but fun day. Elizabeth had PDO and I had Eddie with me. Eddie had his hearing and vision screening through our local Parents as Teachers program and then we ran errands the rest of the morning.

Friday night was E4's office Christmas party, which was a lot of fun! It was held at the Raquet Club East (close to downtown St. Louis), which is one of the last remaining men's clubs in St. Louis. We had cocktails for about an hour and then we had dinner at 8:00. Dinner was slow (almost 2 hours), but it didn't seem slow because we sat at a table with a bunch of young/fun attorneys and their spouses. There were multiple rounds of tequila shots being done by the end of dinner. (I had to politely decline...giving the excuse of being the driver and having two small children at home.) We stayed until 10:30 and left before the real fun of karaoke began. We would have stayed longer, but my father-in-law was watching the kids and he doesn't like to stay up past 11:00.

Saturday was a low-key day. I did take Elizabeth to the pediatrician because she can't seem to shake her upper respiratory infection, either. She has had two rounds of antibiotics and still isn't any better after being sick for four weeks. We were sent for a chest x-ray at the hospital, which came back clear. Elizabeth and I picked up the Eddies and we headed to the mall for lunch. We then took the kids to a birthday party at Gymboree on Saturday night. Eddie and Elizabeth seemed to have a lot of fun. I enjoyed the free pizza (with banana peppers on top) and seeing some of my mom friends.

We went to church on Sunday morning and it was a beautiful service. It was the "hanging of the greens" service, so there was a full choir, handbells and lots of families. The church was packed and I really enjoyed singing all of the Christmas hymns. Sunday's lunch was another low-key affair at home and we stayed in the rest of the day. The temperatures up here have been really cold (highs in the 20's), so it's not very fun to get bundled up and go out.

I was feeling fine (with the exception of the upper respiratory infection that I've had for two weeks and can't seem to shake) until early Monday morning. I was having a dream that I was smelling pizza and that it was making me gag. (I had eaten frozen pizza for dinner on Sunday night, so it was the last thing I ate.) I woke up at 12:30 a.m. and I was gagging in bed. I made it to the bathroom, but I was immediately sick. I felt better instantly, and I remember saying, "That was weird." and then I got back into bed. I couldn't fall asleep, and within 30 minutes, I was sick again....At this point I realized that I had some kind of stomach bug.

I didn't want to wake up E4 or the kids, so I went downstairs, where I was sick for the next 8 hours. I passed out twice from vomiting and would wake up in a cold sweat. It was downright AWFUL!! By 6:30 a.m., I was throwing up only bile and the little amount of water I had managed to make myself drink. I decided to wake up E4 at this point and ask him to go to the store for me. He immediately got up, showered, got the kids up and went to the store for me. He came back with a giant bottle of Sprite, Dramamine and some Gatorade. He also stayed around and took E5 to school for me...Yay!

I spent all day Monday on the couch. Elizabeth wasn't feeling well and got a touch of the bug, too. She threw up twice in her crib, so I cleaned her up and kept her on the couch with me. She ended up sleeping for about an hour on my chest (something she hasn't done since she was a newborn baby) and was very clingy all day long. E4 ended up leaving work at lunch time and took her to the pediatrician. She was tested for RSV She never did throw up anymore, so I'm hoping that she got a minor version of the bug.

I'm feeling better today (Tuesday). I took Elizabeth to her last Kindermusik class of the semester and then we went to my u/s. I'm very relieved that everything seems to be ok with this little baby, especially with my being so sick these past couple of weeks. Hopefully, Elizabeth and I are on the mend!

That's all the news for now. Oh, except I should mention that I finally finished my giant ABC sampler that I bought when I was pregnant with Elizabeth. I had the goal of finishing it by Christmas and I'm happy to report that I finished two weeks early! Now, I need to order a stocking for the new baby. A stocking takes about 8-10 weeks to come in and takes another 4-5 months to finish, so I need to get started! :)

Early

2010-11-30T14:44:00.002-06:00

I just got back from my first u/s and everything looks ok, I think. I was disappointed that the technician wasn't able to really measure the fetal pole, so she wouldn't 'date' my u/s. I'm supposed to be 5w5d today, but she said that everything was measuring smaller than that, but she wouldn't expect to see much of anything anyway. I met with Dr. DeRosa after my u/s and he said everything is fine and that I shouldn't worry. I was really hoping this little baby would be a little bit bigger, but oh well. I go back one week from today to check for a heartbeat. I guess I have to keep hoping and praying that everything is going well. It's hard to sit back and remember that God is in control....especially during the first trimester of pregnancy.

First dr's appointment

2010-11-30T10:19:00.002-06:00

I have my first dr's appointment and u/s today at 1:30. Of course, there weren't any times in the morning ANY day this week, so I finally caved and hired a babysitter to come to the house while I go to my appointment. I used to take E5 to all of my appointments when I was pregnant with Elizabeth, but I don't think I can (or even should) try to take both of my kids. Especially since Elizabeth still has a sinus infection, Eddie has croup AND an ear infection and I have a little cold. I feel like my kids and I have been sick nonstop for the past 2 months. I'm just hoping that we can all get well before Christmas!

So, I have my appointment this afternoon and I will update as soon as I get back. This is my 'viability' u/s, which means we are determining if this pregnancy is in the right place, developing properly, etc. Wish me luck!!

Oops....We did it again!

2010-11-27T14:31:00.003-06:00

I haven't updated for a while for lots of different reasons, but I figured now is as good a time as any. I have a lot of catching up to do, but first let me address the title of this post. Oops....We did it again is exactly what you are probably thinking it means. I'm pregnant! I found out on Friday November 12, but I didn't REALLY confirm it until Sunday November 14. I had not had a period in over 5 weeks so I took a pregnancy test just for the heck of it and a BARELY visible line came up. I waited 2 days and I tested again and the line was definitely darker. I thought back over the past few weeks and I knew that I was either 3,4 or 5 weeks pregnant, but I wasn't sure which. I went to Dr. DeRosa's office on Monday morning and I had a blood test done. My number came back at 23, so yes I was pregnant, but we weren't sure if I was really early or if this was another bad pregnancy. I had a repeat on Wednesday and my number came back at 72!! Based on my calculations, I was not even 4 weeks yet, which meant that I had ovulated REALLY late in my cycle, so I wasn't even technically late!

I was really nervous to tell big Eddie because we had talked about a third child and he had made it clear that he was not ready AT ALL (or even ever) to expand the family. I decided to wait a few days just to make sure things were going well. By Wednesday Nov. 17 (13 DPO), I decided to tell him. We were lying in bed and I said, "I have something to tell you, but I think you are going to be mad." He responded by saying, "Uh oh. What did you do? What did you buy?" I told him, "I didn't do ANYTHING, but I'm waiting for confirmation from the doctor." I never actually said the words "I'm pregnant" to him. His response was, "If you're pregnant, I'm going to be REALLY pissed. At least you are getting what YOU wanted." He then rolled over, read his book and didn't speak to me for 4 days.

I told Eddie 10 days ago and things are still very tense between us. He and I are speaking, but there is no physical contact at all. I have tried talking to him about the pregnancy, but he doesn't want to discuss it. We went out to dinner on Nov. 20 (only because we didn't want to cancel on the babysitter at the last minute) and we talked a few minutes about how he felt, but he really didn't want to discuss the pregnancy at all. In fact, he has said some very hurtful and mean things to me. I'm hoping in my heart of hearts that he doesn't mean what he said, but I have yet to hear an apology, and I doubt that I every will.

As for me, I am THRILLED that I am pregnant! I am 5w2d today and I'm feeling pretty well. I'm really tired and hungry all the time, but that's about it. I love this child SO much and I wish that big Eddie felt the same way. I didn't mean for us to get pregnant, so I hope my husband will come around and realize that we are both at fault here and that it's not just me.

But enough about all of that! We just hosted our 3rd Thanksgiving at our house. We had 15 people over and it went really well. We had curried nuts and a spicy cheese spread for appetizers that started at 4:30. I had dinner on the table by 5:45!! We had smoked turkey, glazed ham, gravy, mashed potatoes, cornbread dressing, sweet potato casserole, regular stuffing, squash casserole, creamed pea medley, green bean casserole, mixed green salad, pumpkin pie, minced meat pie and chocolate dipped pecan bars. My sister-in-law, Julie brought the pecan bars, a cousin brought the pies, another cousin brought the salad, and my mother-in-law brought the ham and regular stuffing. It was a lot of work, but all in all, it was a lot of fun. It was really hard on me (physically) because no one knew I was pregnant, so I was doing all of the cooking and cleaning by myself, but that was ok. It just made me feel like a superstar for doing everything on my own!!

Black Friday was an ok day. We braved the West County Mall in the morning before lunch. It was nice to see all of the shoppers out and about and hearing the Christmas music, but it was AWFUL trying to get back home. It took us 20 minutes just to get out of the parking garage! After shopping, we met Barbinator (mother-in-law) at McDonald's for E5's early birthday lunch. (She will be in Florida on him birthday, so we celebrated it early.) We hung out at McDonald's for 1 1/2 hours, but it was worth it just to see E5 have so much fun in the play area.

So, that's the past few weeks in a nutshell. Most of my family and friends don't know about this pregnancy, so PLEASE don't say anything to ANYONE until I get through the first trimester. I know some of you who read this are on Facebook, so please don't say anything on there either.....I would really appreciate it! I'm at the point now where I usually start having problems during the pregnancy, so I want to get a little further and make sure everything is ok before I start announcing publicly. Oh, and I have my first u/s this Tuesday, Nov. 30, so I will definitely be sure to update then. Please say prayers that everything is developing as it should with this little one!!! :)

My Elizabeth

2010-10-18T22:02:00.004-05:00

I have so many things that I want to blog about, but I think "My Elizabeth" seems to be the most appropriate right now. Once again, I have fallen behind on my blog, but I only think that is because i have so many other things going on with my life right now. I have been working on my ABC Sampler and that has taken up the vast majority of my time. It is a needlepoint project that I started when I first found out I was pregnant with Elizabeth. I worked on it for a couple of weeks and then got bored and decided to put it away. Well, I pulled it out about two months ago and decided that i was going to finish by the end of this year. It is a HUGE project and I have been working on it for about 4 hours a day, and I'm only about halfway finished. Hopefully, I will achieve the lofty goal I have set for myself.

Why did I title this entry "My Elizabeth" instead of something else? Well, that is what E5 has been calling his little sister. Whenever he wakes up, comes home from school, or gets ready for bed, he always asks, "Where's my Elizabeth?" I think it's so sweet that he calls her this, especially since I think of her as MY Elizabeth. Anyway, both of my children are such blessings and I can't thank God enough for giving them to me!

A lot has happened in these past few weeks. Elizabeth turn a year old and we had quite the celebration for her. We had a family dinner at Bellerive on her actual birthday of Sept. 30. It included me, E4, E5, Elizabeth, my inlaws, and my brother-in-law, Chris, and my brother and sister-in-law, Jeff and Julie. We had a wonderful dinner on the patio and Elizabeth looked like quite the princess in her birthday skirt, shirt, hat and shoes. (Aunt Julie gave her a pair of designer shoes (Stuart Weitzman) and they were sooooooo cute!!) The next day, we had a birthday party at the house for her. We invited all of our playgroup friends, so it was a great time.

Things have also really been moving along for E4. As many of you know, he has been unhappy with his job for several years. Well, he finally was able to interview and was offered a position at a new firm here in St. Louis! He will be turning in his letter of resignation to his firm tomorrow and will be starting his new job in two weeks!! In the meantime, I will be heading down to Birmingham to visit my family this weekend. I am excited about going, but wish that the timing could have been a little better. E4 won't be working his usual long and crazy hours, so I'm bummed that we will be gone while he will be having some time to be at home relaxing. I guess I should just be happy that things are starting to look up for him.

That's all for now. There are some slight negatives, but I don't want to post about those right now. I just want to focus on the positive! I love my children....and especially my Elizabeth. My children really are a real and true blessing from God!!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

2010-09-22T13:20:00.002-05:00

Normally, I wouldn't be thinking about Christmas right now, but I woke up this morning and decided that I wanted to start my Christmas shopping TODAY! I dropped the kids off at PDO, went to the grocery store and was at Target by 9:15 this morning. I didn't think I was going to have much success, but boy was I wrong!! There is a new toy out this year called a Sing-a-ma-jig. It's a small stuffed "animal" and it comes in 6 different colors.....red, orange, yellow, blue, pink and purple. They cost $12.99 each and they sing in super-high pitched voices. If you have more than one Sing-a-ma-jig, they can harmonize with each other. Anyway, a friend of mine posted something about wanting a Sing-a-ma-jig the other day on Facebook, so I decided to check them out. OMG!!! They are sooooo cute! I got one for each of my nieces/nephews and one for each of my kids. I also got one of each color to make a "complete set." I will probably end up selling them on eBay, once Christmas gets a little closer. The yellow and orange animals are hard to find, so I was pretty excited to find one of each. So, for the time being, I am the proud owner of 12 Sing-a-ma-jigs!!

I also managed to get E5's birthday present, which is a large Buzz Lightyear that lights up, talks, has expandable wings, etc. He LOVES Toy Story right now, so I'm sure he'll like getting a large Buzz for his birthday. Even though his birthday isn't until December, I'm trying to get a head start, so I don't have to go out in the cold and snow to find "the it toy" for Christmas and E5's birthday this year.

In order to collect my absurd number of Sing-a-ma-jigs, I had to go to Target, Walmart, Toys R Us, Circle of Knowledge and a second Target. I was also looking for a certain doll to give to Elizabeth for her first birthday (which is next week), so I spent my entire morning looking for toys. I wasn't very motivated to shop for Christmas presents last year because Elizabeth was just a newborn, but I'm TOTALLY getting into it this year! My goal is to have all of the shopping done for my family (the members living down in Alabama) because I'd like to take their presents with me when I go down for a visit before Christmas. I HATE dealing with the UPS store and the USPS when it comes to shipping Christmas presents!!

So, that's what I did this morning. I realize I haven't updated my blog in a while, so please forgive me for neglecting it. Here is a brief recap of the past few weeks. My parents came to visit on Labor Day weekend. The arrived on Saturday afternoon and left on Monday morning. It was a short visit, but we had a good time. My parents brought toys and clothes for the kids, which was AWESOME! We just hung around the house and went up to the park in the afternoons. I think my parents just wanted to hang out with the kids and see them "in their natural element," so it was good that we didn't try and do anything other than play around outside.

E5 has basically dropped his nap, which has been HORRIBLE!! He won't nap more than once or twice a week, so when he misses his nap, he is an absolute BEAR in the afternoon. Fortunately, he stays in his bed during nap time, but he won't sleep. I've been contemplating going to see a pediatric sleep doctor, but I haven't made it that far yet. I keep hoping that he will resolve his sleep issues on his own, but that hasn't happened yet.

Elizabeth is getting cuter and cuter every day. She is finally starting to get some hair (even if it is only on the back of her head). She is just now starting to say her first words, too! Her first word was on Labor Day. We were up at the park, and she saw our neighbors dog, pointed to it and said, "Dog!" She now calls all animals 'dogs' but that's ok. I know she's starting to get the hang of things because she pointed to the clock in our foyer this morning and said, "Clock!" She had the biggest smile on her face because she KNEW that she had called the clock by the right name. Now, I just need to get her to call me 'mama' and I'll be SO happy! :)

E4 is still working like crazy. He hates his job, but there doesn't seem to be anything else out there. He has toyed with the idea of quitting, which scares me to death. If he quits his job, we won't have an income. :( His job situation is another reason why I am doing my Christmas shopping early. I would hate to put off shopping and then not have any extra money to buy presents.

There's not much to report with me. I'm still taking all of my medicines to help me get pregnant, but we aren't trying. In fact, we are actively preventing pregnancy at this point. I would love a third child, but the timing is not right with things being so unstable with E4's job. I hope and pray that he gets his work situation resolved soon, as I don't want to wait too much longer to start trying again. As we all know, there is a lot of work involved with having me get and STAY pregnant.

That's the update for now. I hope that I've fixed my blog so that people can comment again. I know some of you have had problems with being able to leave comments. Just let me know if you are still having problems!

Special Date

2010-08-27T13:59:00.002-05:00

Today is my 29th birthday (for the 4th time)! I have been planning a "special date" with E5 for the past week, and it turned out to be SO much fun!

We started off today with a family breakfast from McDonald's. Actually, the day started at 5:05 a.m. because E5 woke up from a nightmare. He managed to wake up the entire house with his crying, so our day started nice and early. Big Eddie got the kids up and dressed for me (YAY!!) and while I was getting ready, little Eddie ran in and said, "It's your birfday, Mommy! Happy Birfday and I love you!" He then gave me a hug and a kiss and ran out the door as fast as he had run in. It was the sweetest thing EVER and a great way to start our day. E4 got breakfast at McDonald's and brought it home while I got the kids settled. We then all played in the family room for a few minutes before big Eddie had to go in to work.

I took Elizabeth to PDO, her first day by herself, and then Eddie and I started our adventure. I told him that it was my birthday all day and that we needed to go get something for my birthday. I asked him what we needed and his response was, "Chocolate?" Ah, a boy after his mother's heart!! :) Anyway, I told him that we needed a cake, so we headed to Schnucks and picked up a tiny cake. I let E5 pick it out and then we headed over to the baking goods aisle and got the numbers "2" and "9" to put on the cake. (I also wanted a giant question mark, but I guess there isn't one made, because I couldn't find one."

We took the cake home and then I told E5 that it was time for our special date. He was SO excited. I loaded him up and we went to the Magic House in Kirkwood. We had never been before and everyone said it was a lot of fun, so I thought we would give it a try. (On a side note, when I told Eddie that we were having a "special date" today, he asked if we were going to see the trains. I was FLOORED when he said this, because our last "special date" was the week before I was induced with Elizabeth, and we went to the Transportation Museum to see the trains. I couldn't believe that he remembered our last "special date" from 11 months ago!!)

The Magic House was a lot of fun!! It's basically a really big Children's Museum inside of an old house, which has been expanded. There were all sorts of scientific things, musical rooms, a bubble room, a train room, and all kinds of neat stuff. E5's favorite station was the magnet room. We played with paper clips, washers and nuts on large magnets for almost half an hour! There was also a large electrically charged ball which kind of freaked out Eddie. I touched it and my hair (which is halfway down my back) stood straight out. My hair was so long that it started touching the ceiling and it made a "popping sound" every time it made contact. Eddie got really scared and then said, "Mom, your hair's really messy. Get a brush and fix it." He was really cute, but scared at the same time. Another favorite activity were putting some large blue balls into a stream of air, so the air made the balls "float." Eddie thought that was really cool, too. We were there for two hours and all in all, it was a GREAT time! (Oh, and who says money can't buy happiness?!?!?!? I bought Eddie a little red train for $8 to help remember our "special date" and he was on CLOUD 9!!!)

After the Magic House, I asked Eddie where he wanted to go for lunch and he said, "I want some chicken from the mall." which means that he wanted Chick-fil-A. I LOVE Chick-fil-A, so I wasn't about to argue with him! We got to the mall and ran into my friend and neighbor, Alison and her little girl, Molly. We all had lunch together and then headed over to Mrs. Field's to get a cookie. I always ask for a cookie cake on my birthday and big Eddie never buys one for me, so I decided to buy myself a slice of cookie cake.....and it was YUMMY!!

After lunch, we let the kids play on some ride-on toys near the food court and then we headed back to the church to pick up Elizabeth from PDO. We played with Eddie's new train for a while and then I put the kids down for a nap. Of course, Eddie isn't really napping, but at least I have a few minutes of peace and quiet to myself. :)

I'm not sure what we are going to do for the rest of the day, but I don't really care. I am just SO glad that I was able to spend some one-on-one time with E5. I have really been having a hard time dealing with him lately. I'm 99% sure that the problem is me, and not him, but it's still been rough. I feel like I yell at him all the time and we never really have any time to just play. I'm still in absolute shock that he and I haven't had any time without Elizabeth (other than an hour or so during Elizabeth's morning nap) during the past 11 months. I am really regretting not asking big Eddie to watch Elizabeth for an afternoon and letting me go out with my little boy. He really is so sweet and I'm glad that I got to rediscover that today. Fortunately, I will have every Friday with E5 during the school year as one-on-one time, so I hope we have many more "special dates." :)

What a day!!

2010-08-23T14:26:00.004-05:00

Things have really been in an uproar for the past few days. E4's job is going well, but there has been a turn of events, which makes me VERY nervous. First, let me back up and give all of you some background. There is one managing partner at E4's law firm and there are only 3 associates (including Eddie). One of the associates hasn't been working as hard as he/she should, so that person is about to get fired, and probably within the next month. The other associate just quit today. He told Eddie that he was going to quit, but Eddie thought he would take the weekend to think about it and would return to work today. Well, that didn't happen. The person returned to work, cleaned out their office and left. Before leaving, the associate printed up a list of projects that were currently being worked on and gave it to Eddie. Eddie took one look at the list and has determined there is NO WAY he can do all of his project's AND the ex-associates projects, too.

The associate that is about to be laid off is on vacation (and doesn't know that their job is almost over). Eddie is really nervous about what this is going to mean for his job. Will the law firm headquarters, which is out of state, close down the St. Louis office? Will the managing partner hire more help? Will all of the other projects be dumped onto Eddie's lap? Eddie is already gone from home 11-12 hours a day. It's not fair to him, the kids, or me to have him do more work without any monetary compensation. I don't care if there IS monetary compensation, I don't want him working more hours!!

So, needless to say, things have been pretty tense around here. I got the call at 12:15 that the associate really did quit. The managing partner wasn't even in town, so he doesn't know what's happened yet. Yikes! I don't know what this means for Eddie, but it can't be good, can it?

Sometimes I really hate being a "grown up".......

But on to more positive things! E5 started back to PDO today. He was SO excited to go back to "school" because he had his new Toy Story lunchbox. He has only seen Toy Story once, but he is absolutely obsessed with Buzz and Woody. His new lunchbox is pretty cute, so I'm just glad he was excited to take it to school.

Speaking of firsts, Elizabeth had her first Gymboree class today. She has been to Gymboree lots of times, but only as a tag-a-long to Eddie's class. Now that Eddie is in school, he won't be doing Gymboree anymore. Elizabeth is in a Level 3 class that meets on Monday mornings at 9:00. She was SO excited to be able to crawl around the room and not have anyone grab any toys from her hands. Her favorite part of class was the bubbles, of course! She crawled all over the parachute trying to pop every bubble within reach!

She was exhausted from class and fell asleep on the way home. Her normal nap time is 9:00-10:30, so I'm surprised she played as well as she did.

I spent the rest of the morning catching up on emails, helping plan my sister-in-law's baby shower and paying bills. Oh, I almost forgot...I also pulled out my French horn and tried playing it for the first time in almost 1 1/2 years! I contacted the principal horn player of the St. Louis Philharmonic and asked if he wanted me to play this year and he said YES! I'm going to be playing assistant, as all the other spots are currently filled. If anyone is sick or can't do a concert, I will fill in on that position. Cool, huh? So, I pulled out my horn and tried to play, but as soon as I tried to play, I got a sharp pain from my left rib cage. I had momentarily forgotten that my rib was cracked....DOH!! I managed to play for a few minutes with minimal pain, but I'm really hoping to get my playing up and running within the next week because the first rehearsal is Sept. 8. Hopefully, this stupid broken rib will hurry up and heal so I can get back in shape!

It's almost 3:00 and the kids are supposed to be napping. I'm afraid E5 is dropping his nap because he hasn't taken an afternoon nap except for once during the past week. I still keep him in his room from 1:00-3:00 for "quiet time" but I know I can't do that forever. I love my kids, but I really enjoy an hour or two of peace and quiet in the afternoons, as it's the only time I ever get to myself (except when I'm asleep)! I guess it's time to get everyone up. *Sigh*

Vacation Entry

2010-08-22T13:07:00.004-05:00

Ok, I have been meaning to blog about our vacation from last weekend, but I'm just now getting around to it. Most of you probably don't care about the details of our vacation, but I'm doing this mostly for me. I meant to take a "vacation journal" with us, so I could record things, but I forgot (surprise, surprise). So, I guess I'll just have to blog and then print it out for the kids some day! So, here goes.....

On Wednesday night, we had a babysitter come over and watch the kids so E4 and I could go out to dinner. We knew that we wouldn't be able to go out to eat by ourselves while we were on vacation, so we took this as an opportunity to have our weekly "date night." (In retrospect, going out the night before leaving on a trip was REALLY stupid, but we still had a great time!) We ended up going to Bellerive and we had a great dinner. I started with a Vodka Collins and it was YUMMY!! We then ordered a bottle of Cakebread Chardonnay and enjoyed that during our meal. I had an heirloom tomato salad with crispy pancetta, blue cheese moose and toasted pine nuts. E4 had a caesar salad. For dinner, I had a crabcake, while Eddie had a salmon dish. For dessert, we had creme brulee....YUM!!

On Thursday morning, I stared off our official first day of vacation with blueberry muffins. We then had a pretty relaxing morning while we got our things packed and ready to go. We all had a quick lunch at home and we were on the road by 12:15. We only made one stop on our way to Lake of the Ozarks, which was at McDonald's. We tried to get E5 to use the potty, but he was still scared of any toilet outside our house, so that was a bust. While we were stopped, E4 got a cup of coffee, I got a smoothie and we each had a cheeseburger (because we only at a PB&J for lunch a few hours earlier).

We got to Tan-Tar-A at 3:45 and were able to check right in.

Our condo was a 2 BR, 2 BA unit right on the water, with a small kitchen and living room. Once we got unpacked, we got in our swimsuits and headed to the indoor pool. We would have gone to the outdoor pool, but it was 102 degrees and we wanted to keep the kids cool.

For dinner, we ordered Sbarro Pizza and had that in the room (with a bottle of Robert Sinskey Pinot Noir...YUM).

Our second day, Friday August 18, was a lot of fun. We ate breakfast at the Black Bear Lounge because we were given complimentary breakfast coupons when we arrived. I had scrambled eggs, strawberries, country potatoes a biscuit and some bacon. E4 had an egg sunny-side up, bacon and a bowl of Special K cereal. Elizabeth had her first serving of Honey Nut Cheerios and she LOVED them. E5, being the picky eater that he is, enjoyed two small biscuits and some milk.

After breakfast, we stopped by a little playground and let the kids play for a while.

E4 had to do some work, so I put Elizabeth down for her morning nap and took E5 down to the lake. We took a few pieces of bread and fed the fish and then we came back for story time at our room.

Once Elizabeth woke up, we loaded everyone up in the car and decided to explore the local town, Osage Beach. We ended up eating lunch at a local restaurant called Backwater Jack's. I was a little nervous eating there because the hostess was wearing a shirt that said "Drink up Bitches" but it ended up being really good. E4 had chicken loaded nachos, I had seafood stuffed mushrooms, E5 had his usual PB&J and Elizabeth had a cereal bar, peaches and goldfish. Backwater Jack's was cool because boats could drive up and dock right at the restaurant.

As soon as we finished lunch, we headed back to our room to let the kids take their afternoon nap. E4 went and had a 90 minute massage while I started reading a new book called "The Help" which is REALLY good. When naps were over, we took the kids to the main pool(s). There was a kiddie pool with little fountains, which Elizabeth really liked because she could crawl around without going completely under water. There was a also a green water slide which E5 was nervous about at first, but we convinced him to ride down with Daddy. Unfortunately, Daddy didn't raise E5 up at the end of the slide, so he HATED going underwater. E5 was then too scared to ride down again, until Mommy promised to give him some yogurt (a favorite treat) if he rode down it again. This time, I went with him and I made sure to hold him up once we got to the bottom. Well, you would have thought that E5 had died and gone to heaven once he realized he didn't have to go under the water at the end of the slide. We rode that slide for a good hour! Daddy and I took turns going down the slide with him, and it was SO much fun!

For dinner on Friday, we went back into Osage Beach and had dinner at Applebee's. We had to wait about 10 minutes for a table, which shocked us, as we were there a little before 6:00. (We normally don't eat at chain restaurants, but apparently Applebee's is a popular spot!) E4 had shrimp diavalo, I had three sliders with fries, E5 had chicken fingers with applesauce and Elizabeth had shells and cheese. The amazing thing about dinner was that E5 ate EVERY SINGLE BITE of his dinner! He ate 3 whole chicken fingers, all of his applesauce and an entire cup of milk!! I guess the water slide really helped him work up an appetite.

We let the kids skip their baths (which is unusual for us to let them do) because we were all tired by the time we got back home at 7:30. We immediately put the kids down to bed and we ended up watching A Few Good Men on TNT that night. We sipped on cocktails and watched the movies in our PJ's, which was nice and relaxing!

Saturday was our last full day at Tan-Tar-A. We ate breakfast at the Black Bear Lounge again. I discovered an omelet bar, but we were trying to hurry through breakfast because I had a spa appointment at 8:00. We actually got to breakfast at 7:50, so it was VERY rushed. I ended up having strawberries, 1/4 belgium waffle, scrambled eggs and some potatoes. E4 had a bowl of cereal, an egg over easy and some bacon and sausage. Once again, E5 had two biscuits and Elizabeth had Honey Nut Cheerios. I scarfed down my breakfast and told E4, "Good luck with the kids!" and headed out the door to the spa.

I had booked myself a body wrap and a facial. When I got there, I was put into a steam room, which I had never used before. As soon as I got in there, the steam came on and it was pretty scary. The steam was so thick that I couldn't see my hand in front of my face! I was left in there for about 10 minutes and the only reason why I didn't panic was because I had a cup of ice water with me. Every time I felt like I couldn't breathe, I just took a sip of water and told myself that I wasn't going to die in there. After a few minutes of steam, I actually started to enjoy "sweating everything out."

After my steam, I was taken to a room, covered in a lavender oil and wrapped up in a tissue paper-like material and towels. I was then given a facial that was just ok. The prices were very low at the spa, but I soon figured out why...the services were just mediocre. But you know what? I didn't care!! It just felt good to relax! After my facial, I went back to the steam room and stayed in there for another 10 minutes before heading back to the room.

Elizabeth was napping when I got back to the room, so the Eddies and I just hung out and read some books. When she woke up, we headed out to see the Bagnell Dam, which is what made Lake of the Ozarks. We also checked out a couple of other resorts for future reference. On our way back to the room, we stopped off at McDonald's for lunch and let E5 play in the playland to help burn off some energy. We then went back to the room for afternoon naps/reading.

After naps, we headed down to Tan-Tar-A's marina for an afternoon boat tour on the Tropical Paradise. We were some of the last people on the boat, so there weren't any seats for us. We ended up standing at the back of the boat and leaning against some serving tables. One of the crew members felt bad for us and was able to scrounge up a couple of chairs, so we eventually did end up with a place to sit.

The boat tour was ok. It was 1 1/2 hours long and the kids were bored. Fortunately, there was a bar on the boat, so E4 and I each had a light fruity cocktail to help to the edge off. Let me tell you, being trapped on a boat with a cranky toddler and a screaming baby is NOT FUN!!

The Tropical Paradise tour was 3:00-4:30, so once we got back, we headed back to the outdoor pools. We stayed there until close to 6:00. E5, once again, enjoyed the water slide and Elizabeth loved the kiddie pool and "kicking around" in the big pool. After swimming, we went back to the room, fed the kids dinner (quesadillas, grapes and applesauce) and then put them down for the night.

At this point, E4 and I were starting to feel a little bummed that we couldn't have at least one "nice meal" while we were down here. I was getting tired of fast food and really wanted room service, while E4 just wanted to eat leftover Sbarro...YUCK! We finally managed to pull ourselves together and we ended up having chicken sandwiches from Burger King and we drank a bottle of 2006 Maiden, which is one of our favorites.

There wasn't much on TV that night. We tried to watch Bad-Ass, but we weren't able to get the resort's movie system to work, so we ended up flipping around and watching different things. It was a ho-hum night, but at least we were able to enjoy a nice bottle of wine.

Sunday morning was our check-out day. We went down to the Black Bear Lounge for breakfast. I was FINALLY able to try the omelet bar. I had a mushroom, bacon, tomato, bell pepper and cheese omelet and it was GOOD!! I also had 1/4 belgium waffle and some strawberries. Everyone else had the same breakfast as usual! :)

We tried to put Elizabeth down for a morning nap, but it was hard for her to sleep with us bumping around while we were packing everything up. Once we got everything packed and loaded, we headed down to the lake to take a family picture by the water. We had to interrupt a fisherman to get our picture, but I think it was SO worth it. It is the only picture we have of the 4 of us on our vacation.

After taking our picture, we loaded everyone up and headed back home. We stopped just south of Jefferson City for lunch at McDonald's and then we had to make one additional stop at a Starbuck's for E4's coffee break and to let E5 use the potty, so it took us a while to get back home. We left Tan-Tar-A at 10:45 and we got back to our house at 2:30. We tried to put the kids down for a nap when we got home, but they never fell asleep. Oh well!!

I am SO glad we took this vacation!! I was really nervous about traveling with two small children, but it really worked out well! Especially since we took 2 pack-n-plays and had the kids sleep in separate rooms. Elizabeth slept in one of the extra bathrooms and E5 slept in one of the bedrooms. I think E4 really enjoyed himself, too. Maybe now he won't be scared to take a vacation with the kids in the future! :)

Broken

2010-08-20T22:21:00.002-05:00

That's how I feel right now....Broken. I don't know how to describe it and I don't know why, but that's just the way I feel. So much has been happening the last week, that I don't even know where to start. Things are going along as they should be, yet I am still feeling at a loss. I guess this all goes back to the accidental pregnancy from a few weeks ago.

We really weren't trying to get pregnant. I was honestly just enjoying life.....I have a great husband, two beautiful kids and I get to stay at home with them. Life couldn't be better, right? Well, then I found out I was pregnant. I never realized how badly I wanted to be pregnant again until it happened. When I miscarried, I talked with my dr. and asked to start my medicines again, you know, just IN CASE I got pregnant again, by accident, of course. Well, I firmly believe in 100% honesty when it comes to a marriage, so I told Eddie that I was taking Metformin again. He wasn't happy about it, but I told him that it takes up to 5 months for the medicine to take full effect (which is the truth), and I wanted to be ready in case there was ever another "accident."

Well, since I have started the Metformin, I have noticed that my hair is thicker, my voice is a little higher (YAY!!!!) and my moods have been a little better. I was once tested (many years ago) and told that my testosterone levels were elevated and that the levels would hinder my ability to get pregnant, so I started the Metformin. The Met. has caused my levels of Testosterone to drop, which is GREAT, but my husband thinks that the only reason I am taking it is so that I can get pregnant again.

I DO want to get pregnant again, but not right away, but honestly, taking the Met. makes me feel like a normal female again. It's great that I don't have a receding hair lie any more and that my hair reminds me of my years in high school. I WANT to feel normal again, but Eddie thinks that I am trying to force him to have another baby. As badly as I want another child, I do NOT want another baby unless he is on board 1000%.

So, I guess that is why I am feeling broken. I like how the Met. makes me feel like I'm supposed to feel, but I HATE how it makes me sick to my stomach (literally) and how my husband thinks I am taking it just to have another baby. I don't understand why some people have it so easy. I know there are plenty of people out there who are much worse off than I am (multiple deaths in the family, abandonment, cancer, etc.) but I often wonder when God will think that I've had enough.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a pity party, but I'm just tired of it all. I just want to be normal. Is that too much to ask?

Quick update

2010-08-18T09:05:00.000-05:00

I'm back from vacation. I need to get on here and blog about it, but I haven't had time. The kids have been REALLY cranky, due to lack of naps, so I promise to get on here soon and update. Hopefully, I'll figure out how to load some pictures, too!

Getting ready

2010-08-11T13:47:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow we leave for our first vacation as a family!! I am SO excited (and nervous) about the trip. Supposedly, it only takes 2 1/2-3 hours to get to Lake of the Ozarks, but I'm willing to bet it will take us longer. E4 has the world's smallest bladder and E5 is now potty trained, so I imagine we will have to make a few "potty stops" along the way. E5 hates wearing pull-ups, but I'm probably going to make him wear one just for the car ride. Does this make me a bad mom? I hope not!

When my family would take vacations (when I was little), I remember my mom making a pound cake, cookies, brownies, and all kinds of goodies for the trip. Granted, there were 5 kids, but I still remember us taking most of our food/drinks with us. I have been trying to make some goodies for our trip, but E4 has really been poo-pooing my ideas. He's not much of a "sweets guy" so he could care less. I, on the other hand, LOVE sweets....In fact, that's my nickname from E4! (He calls me "Sweets" all the time!) Anyway, I thought that taking sandwich bread, milk, sodas, etc. would be a good way to save some money on the trip, but he doesn't want to. He told me to take the bare essentials for the kids, but that's it. WHAT?!?!?!?!? I'm trying to be economical because I want this to be a good experience for ALL of us! I'm nervous that if this trip doesn't go well, E4 will never want to take another vacation with the kids any time soon. I figured that saving some money would help him feel positive about the trip, but I guess not.

My plan is to take our one and only cooler and fill it with milk, yogurt, sandwich meat and cheese for the kids. I'm going to take a loaf of sandwich bread a bag of chips and some other munchy foods, like chips, crackers and snack mix. I'm also going to throw some sodas in the car and a couple bottles of wine. That's not taking too much stuff, is it? Eating out is going to be tough with the kids, so I'm sure we'll be ordering pizzas or other simple things, so I think wine is going to be a MUST for the adults! :)

I'm also going to take a couple of board games, as there aren't any DVD players or video game connecctions in the room. (Not that we would play video games, but we use the PS3 as a DVD player). Basically, this is going to be a good old fashioned vacation! Like I said, I'm REALLY excited about it, but nervous, too. All in all, I think it should be fun.

Since this started out as an infertility blog, I guess I should update that, too. I am finishing up my 2nd week on the Metformin. I started out taking 500 mg. once a day last week and now I am taking 500 mg. twice a day. Starting tomorrow, I will increase my dosage to 500 mg. three times a day. It has been making me SO sick. The side effects of the Metformin are G.I. discomforts, and let me tell you, they have been AWFUL! Today is the first day that I have not had severe stomach pains, so YAY for that! I knew that it was going to be rough getting back on the Metformin, but I hope it will be worth it!

I have to watch my carbohydrate, sugar, alcohol and fat/grease intake while on the Metformin. It's a pain to adjust my diet, but it's been GREAT for my weight loss! I've lost 3.5 pounds already, which has put me back at my prepregnancy/wedding weight. Hooray for the weight loss, but boo to being sick from the Met! As long as I don't eat white bread, french fries, simple carbs and too much sugar, I'm ok.

E4 still isn't ready to try for baby #3, so I'm just taking these medicines because they can take several months to really work. Hopefully, by the time we are ready to try to get pregnant again, I will be well adjusted to all the medicines and we won't have to try too long.

I guess I should get off the computer and get back to packing. It's really been fun blogging again, so I really hope to keep it up this time!

Crazy Weekend

2010-08-08T14:20:00.002-05:00

Things have really been moving along up here! I found out on Friday afternoon that my husband's brother and his wife are going to be having a baby boy!! They are due on E5's original due date, which is December 28. Pretty cool, huh? Also, my husband and his brother are 3 years apart. This will put E5 and our new nephew due 3 years apart. Also, both of the boys are named after their fathers, so we will have an E5 and a Jeff Jr. I am SO happy for my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law.

I also found out (earlier last week) that my brother and his wife will be having a boy for baby #4. They are going to name him Andrew Charles and call him Drew. I LOVE the name Andrew. In fact, that was my top pick if we ever had another boy, but E4 HATES the name Drew. His arch-nemisis growing up was named Drew, so he has forever written off that name. Oh well!

There is more good news from this weekend, too! My youngest sister, Rebecca, got engaged on Friday night! We all knew it was going to happen (except for her), so it was a lot of fun waiting on her to call us and tell us that she was engaged. She knew she was going to get engaged, but she wasn't sure of the exact date. Fortunately, her fiance, David, was able to catch her off guard and proposed during a slide show he made for her. It was very sweet!

That's the update on my family, so here's our weekend update. E4 and I went out to dinner on Friday night. We went to a restaurant called Monarch. We have eaten there several times in the past and it has always been wonderful. The restaurant had been closed for a couple of months for remodeling and it just opened back up this past week. Once we got there, the menu looked TERRIBLE! It was a very sparse menu and the items were WAY overpriced. We quickly decided that we didn't want to waste our first date night in 3 weeks on an overpriced (and boring) menu. Eddie faked a call from the babysitter and we told our waiter that we had an emergency at home with our son and we had to leave. We then went to an old tried and true restaurant, Cafe Napoli. I had toasted ravioli, caesar salad and veal saltimbocca. The cosmopolitans are AWESOME at Cafe Napoli, so I had a couple of those, too!

Saturday was nice and relaxing family day. We took a walk as a family and then we all went to the mall and had Chick-fil-A for lunch (per E5's request). I got a slice of cookie cake to celebrate being back down to my prepregnancy/wedding weight (which E4 mocked me all day for eating an additional 1000 calories to celebrate losing weight......jerk). We did some light shopping because it's tax-free weekend and then I went out for a pedicure while the kids napped. After the kids napped, we went up to Kirkwood Park and let E5 play in the water and the playground. We then relaxed at home. After the kids went to bed, E4 grilled a bratwurst for me and a pork steak for himself. We then watched a few episodes of Entourage and called it a night.

Today is Sunday. We took another nice walk this morning and then went to church. We had Jimmy John's for lunch and I got my oil changed while the E4 put the kids down for naps. The kids are napping now and E4 is out playing tennis. I wish I could play tennis right now, but my rib is still hurting a lot, so I think I'm pretty much done for the season. We are contemplating joining a racquet club this fall so that we can both keep our tennis games going, so we'll have to wait and see.

Oh, I almost forgot to say that E4 booked our family vacation on Thursday night of last week!! We are going to Tan-Tar-A down at Lake of the Ozarks this weekend! I am REALLY excited and nervous at the same time. We've never taken a vacation with the kids, so it should be interesting. I know I'm going to be a nervous wreck trying to make sure we have everything. We're only going to be gone Thursday afternoon through Sunday morning, so it shouldn't be TOO bad, but I'm still dreading traveling with 2 small children.

That's the update for now. Time to get back to my needlepoint! :)

Did you know....

2010-08-02T14:01:00.002-05:00

....that you can break a rib from coughing?!?!?!? I had heard about it, but I never thought it would ever happen to me, but it did! I have been SO sick with Bronchitis for the past 10 days. My dad prescribed a z-pack for me 5 days ago and it has worked magic! Unfortunately, I was so sick by the time I started it, that I was already having pretty severe coughing fits. I was in the middle of a coughing fit this past Wednesday night when I felt a "pop" on my left rib cage, which was quickly followed by excruciating pain. I talked with my dad and we both thought that I had just pulled an intercostal muscle. I continued about my business as normal for the rest of the week, but by the time Saturday rolled around, my ribs weren't feeling any better. I decided to go to an urgent care clinic that is pretty close to our house. The dr. examined me and ended up taking an x-ray. I thought he was going to tell me that it was just a pulled muscle, but he came back in and told me that I cracked my 8th rib on my left side. He then prescribed Vicodin and told me to take maximum strength Mucinex twice a day.

Let me tell all of you something....Having Bronchitis AND a broken rib at the same time is one of the most painful things I have ever felt! I can hardly lift my left arm without pain, so imagine what it's like every time I cough or sneeze!! I'm taking a cough suppressant, and it seems to help keep me from coughing, but my body REALLY wants me to cough to help get over the Bronchitis. I'm also not able to take a full breath (because of the rib pain), so I feel like I'm suffocating. Every now and then, I do take a deep breath, but that just induces more coughing fits. Argh.....

E4 ended up getting sick so he is on a z-pack, too. E5 just started coughing yesterday, so I took him to the dr. and we are going to start him on a z-pack this afternoon. How in the heck did we get Bronchitis in July?!?!?!? I thought this was only supposed to be a winter-time illness. I guess the silver lining to all of this is that maybe we will be immune to Bronchitis this winter, right?

On a separate subject, I have been meaning to post some pictures on my blog, but I've forgotten how to do it. Do any of you bloggers out there have any advice on which photo site I should use for pictures? I have used photobucket in the past, but I'm not sure if it's still the best option. Just let me know!!

Vacation!!

2010-07-29T14:01:00.003-05:00

I am SO excited! We might be taking our first family vacation.....EVER....in a couple of weeks!! Eddie and I left E5 at my parents' house for 48 hours when he was only 8 months old so we could go to a wedding in Pennsylvania. It was fun, but it wasn't a REALY vacation, if you know what I mean. Before THAT, we haven't taken a vacation since the summer of 2005, which is when we went out to San Francisco and Napa Valley to celebrate Eddie passing the bar.

Anyway, we are going to take the kids to Lake of the Ozarks, which is only about 3 hours outside of St. Louis. I'm not sure how long we are going to stay, but I don't care! I just want to get out of here for a little while and spend time with my family. Eddie is always working a lot and I'm always stressed out trying to keep the kids entertained, the house cleaned up, meals prepared, etc., so I think a vacation would be AMAZING!

Right now, I am looking into The Lodge of Four Seasons and Tan-Tar-A. Both of them are "family resorts" which seem to have a lot of activities for kids. I'm leaning more towards Tan-Tar-A because there is an indoor water park and lots of pools, which I know the kids will really enjoy. Both places have golf courses and a spa, so hopefully we can find a local babysitter and/or nanny to watch the kids a little bit for us, so big Eddie and I can relax, too!

Nothing is set in stone, but we are looking into the 2nd full week in August. My inlaws are going to be out of town (but don't get me started on THAT right now.....That's another post for another day!), so it seems like a great time to go. Hopefully, big Eddie and I can sit down tonight or this weekend and get something a little more definitive nailed down.

On other news, I did get a call from my doctor's office and my Hcg was only 8 yesterday, so things are definitely winding down on that front. Hopefully, I will start to bleed on my own within the next week. If not, I guess I will have to go in for another D&C, which I REALLY don't want to do! I'm pretty sure my body is going to cooperate this time, but please keep the prayers coming!

That's about all for now. The kids are napping so I'm going to work on some needlepoint. :)

Last blood draw for a while

2010-07-28T10:08:00.002-05:00

So, I had a repeat of my blood work this morning. I already know the number is going to come back really low because my tests are now negative. I'm just ready to get this over with and move on.

On a positive note, big Eddie and I talked about our future plans last night. He is now on board for baby #3....YAY!! The only catch, is that he wants to wait until 2011 before we start trying. He doesn't want to have a Spring/Summer baby because he thinks it would be too hard on me to have a newborn, 1 1/2 year old and a 3 year old all at home during the Summer. I know that he's right, but waiting another 5 months is going to be TOUGH. I also know that I don't necessarily get pregnant when I WANT to be pregnant, so I guess we will start at the beginning of the new year and hope everything works out quickly for us.

In the mean time, I'm going to get back on my "drug cocktail" to get my body ready. I will start taking baby aspirin, prenatals, prescription levels of folic acid and B vitamins and Metformin. Metformin is the one drug that I am NOT looking forward to taking. It's supposed to be for people who are insulin resistant and who are overweight. I currently weigh 120 pounds. I would LIKE to weigh 115-117, but I wouldn't consider myself as "overweight." Being on Metformin makes me SO sick, so I probably will get back down to my goal weight....I just wish I could do it naturally! Anyway, while on Metformin, I have to watch my carbohydrate, sugar, grease and alcohol intake. Too much of any of those things will make me incredibly ill. Fortunately, I get to "work my way up" to my dosage. I'll take one pill a day for the first week, two pills a day for the second week and then I'll stop at three pills a day. It's no fun, but if it helps us get baby #3, it will be soooooo worth it!

Now that all the baby talk is out of the way, let's get back to more normal things! E5 is pretty much potty trained at this point. He will occasionally have an accident in the late afternoon, but that's usually because I get busy and forget to ask him to go. He is getting better and better about telling me when he needs to use the potty, so I really feel like we are making some success.

Elizabeth is turning out to be quite the little chatterbox! Her latest trick is saying "Hey!" or "Hi!" when I go into her room to get her up from naps/bedtime. Whenever I put her on the floor and show her something new, she'll often say, "Wooooooah!" in a really high sing-song voice. It is SO cute!!

E4 is still working really hard at his firm. He actually changed firms back in January 2010. I'm not sure if I mentioned it on here or not, but he is now with a really small firm and liking it a lot more. He is still away from home a lot more than I would like, but at least he has a stable job in this terrible economy and is able to provide for all of us.

That's all for now. It's felt really good to blog again. I always mean to find the time to get on here and update, but I never seem to have it. I really am going to try and do better!

Remembering ALL of my children

2010-07-27T10:38:00.003-05:00

Well, I got my bloodwork back:

Hcg: 18
Prog: 22

For 14 DPO, the Hcg is waaaay too low. I took another test today and it was even lighter than yesterday. It was so light that you could barely see a second line. I told the nurse about the tests but she still wants me to come in to repeat the bloodwork tomorrow. I guess they just want to confirm this as another chemical pregnancy.

I'm sad, but I feel like I shouldn't be. We weren't even trying to get pregnant. We weren't planning on having a third child, or at least not any time in the near future. So why do I feel so sad and why do I feel like such a failure?

I have a list of every time I have ever been pregnant. I often think people don't realize how hard we tried in the past to get the two beautiful children that we have today. Anyway, here is a list of all my angel babies:

BFP on 10/23/05, angel on 11/29/05 @ 9 weeks
BFP on 2/26/06, angel @ 4 weeks, 1 day
BFP on 7/8/06, angel @ 4 weeks, 2 days
BFP on 10/14/06, IVF Triplets!!!, 3 angels @ 4 weeks 2 days
BFP on 4/17/07, Twins!! Angel Baby B @ 5 weeks, 2 days and Edwin Charles, V born on 12/10/07
BFP on 9/13/08, angel @ 4 weeks, 2 days
BFP on 1/24/09, Angel Baby B @ 5 weeks, 3 days and Elizabeth Carol born on 9/30/09
BFP on 7/24/10, awaiting confirmation on chemical pregnancy

This is the 10th child I have lost and the 7th miscarriage I have had. I guess I should be grateful that most of my miscarriages have been VERY early, but it still sucks. I also know I should be grateful for the two beautiful and healthy children that I have....and I am....but I guess I didn't realize how badly I wanted a 3rd child until now.

Elizabeth is still a baby, and I'm only 31 (almost 32), so I know there is still time. I just hope that big Eddie and I can sit down and talk and maybe plan out what we want to do. Eddie has always said that he only wants two children. I'm afraid that now we have had an "accident" he will be more careful about protection and we will never have a 3rd child.

I know that God has a plan, but I just wish I knew what it was for me! I am SO "type A" that not knowing what is going on drives me nuts!! I am SUCH a planner!! Oh well....Time will tell what is in store for us.

So, for now, I will hold the children that are with me a little tighter, and pray that God is holding onto my children in heaven for me!

Whirlwind of Emotions

2010-07-26T11:10:00.002-05:00

I found out over the weekend that I'm pregnant! This came as quite a surprise to me. I was TERRIFIED to tell big Eddie about it because he told me that he would be furious with me if we got pregnant any time within the next year. Well, everything was fine, until today. My test was darker on Sunday morning, but now they are getting light again. It looks like I CAN get pregnant on my own, but it's not going to work out.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was in shock. I mean, I wasn't ready for a 3rd child! We just bought a new SUV and a 3rd car seat won't fit in it. We don't have an extra room, so we would have to convert Eddie's office into a bedroom (which would REALLY irritate him). Elizabeth is only 9 months old!!!! But, as the day wore on, I got more and more excited. Now, I am absolutely crushed that this pregnancy isn't going to work out.

I went in and had my blood drawn at the dr's office this morning, but I won't get the results back until tomorrow. I'm sure I'll have to go for a repeat test on Wednesday and the results on Thursday will confirm that this is another chemical pregnancy.

So, for those of you that are still following along, that's what is going on over here. Oh, and please don't say anything on Facebook, as we haven't told family or friends.

Rough couple of weeks

2010-06-22T15:07:00.002-05:00

Ok, so here is what has been going on over here.

We all went to Birmingham over Memorial Day weekend to visit my family and celebrate my dad's 60th birthday. While we were there, E4 got some kind of stomach bug. He was REALLY sick. Little Eddie ended up getting it two days later and then Elizabeth got it two days after E5 got it. I managed not to catch it (at that point), but I was changing over 15 diarrhea diapers every day between the two kids...It was AWFUL!! Anyway, the kids couldn't seem to shake the bug. Elizabeth seemed to have a really hard time with it. I kept trying to keep her hydrated, but she was refusing extra water. I even tried giving her some watered down juice, but she wouldn't take it. After 10 days of diarrhea she spiked a fever so I took her to the pediatrician. At this point, she was starting to lose her appetite and was only taking 4-5 oz. of formula per feeding. The dr. told me that she HAD to start drinking Pedialyte (not formula because her temp. was 101.5) or else we were going to end up in the hospital.

I was panicked. I got every flavor or Pedialyte made and went home and tried to give Elizabeth extra fluids, but she refused them. I thought getting her out of the house and distracting her would help, so we all went to the zoo for an hour. (This was Elizabeth's first trip to the zoo.) She still wouldn't take a bottle of pedialyte, so I started forcing her to drink it from a syringe. This was an AWFUL experience because she kept spitting up the Pedialyte, screaming, and wouldn't drink anything. At 2:30, I called the dr. again I was told to keep trying and call back in an hour. At 3:30, I called and talked with Dr. Laycob. I told him that I had managed to get her to take 3 oz. of Pedialyte (since 10:00 a.m.). He asked if she had had any wet diapers, and I realized that she hadn't had any that day...just diarrhea. She also didn't have any tears when she cried. We were told to go to the ER immediately.

I called my inlaws to see if they could watch E5 while I took Elizabeth to the hospital, but no one was home. I calling my neighbor, but she was going to a playgroup with her kids and I didn't want to bother her. So, I just loaded everyone up in the car and headed out the door!

We got to the ER at 3:45. I called Eddie and told him what was going on and he said he would tell his family. I *thought* they would eventually come up to the ER to help with E5, but no one ever came. A bunch of tests were run and we were told that Elizabeth was being admitted overnight for metabolic acidosis caused by severe dehydration. Again, I called Eddie to tell him that we were being admitted and he asked if he could go play a tennis match (which had been scheduled in advance). I told him to go ahead and play (thinking he would decline the match and come help me with kids, but he didn't), so I was stuck with two kids in the ER by myself. At this point it was 6:15 p.m.

At 8:40, my husband arrives at the hospital (after "resting" for half an hour after the tennis match) and took E5 home for the night. Elizabeth and I stayed in the ER until we were taken upstairs to our room at 10:00 p.m.

It was a loooooooong night in the hospital. The nurses/doctors kept coming in every 45 minutes to check Elizabeth's vitals and see if she was drinking any pedialyte....She wasn't. I got about 45 minutes of sleep for the whole night. I figured we would be released first thing in the morning, but that wasn't the case. Elizabeth wasn't drinking anything, so we were going to stay there until she started drinking.

At 7:50 Eddie shows up at the hospital with E5. He has to go out of town on a business trip, so he dropped off E5 with me. At this point, I was FURIOUS with my inlaws for not coming by last night or for offering to take E5 off my hands this morning. My mother-in-law had a tennis game and an appointment to get her hair cut/colored, so she was busy until 2:30. My father-in-law had to be at work at 11:00 a.m., so I asked if he could come up to the hospital to sit with Elizabeth while I went home showered, changed clothes, etc. (I was still in the same clothes that I had put on the day before, not brushed my teeth, etc.) Oh, and to top it all off, I had my first post-partum period when I woke up at the hospital, and OF COURSE I didn't have anything with me.

So, my father-in-law came over at 9:00 in the morning. I took E5 home, showered, reloaded the diaper bag with snacks, books, and games for E5 and then went back to the hospital at 10:15. My father-in-law left and I was alone, with both kids, for the rest of the day. Fortunately, Elizabeth started drinking formula mixed with Pedialyte, so we were released at 2:45 to go home.

In the days that followed, Elizabeth continued to have diarrhea. I took her off regular formula and put her on Soy formula, which seemed to help for a couple of days. I then put her back on regular formula, but the diarrhea started up again. This time, I thought it was teething. After being home for 10 days, she spiked a fever of 103.5. I knew that it wasn't teething at this point, so we headed back to the pediatrician.

We got there at 2:30 and the doctor decided to test her urine. He suspected a UTI because of the large amount of diarrhea she was having during the past month. So, a little bag was placed on her and we sat.....and sat.....and sat. I swear, Elizabeth has better bladder control than E5, because the girl wouldn't pee!! The office closed at 4:00, but the nurses let us stay until 4:15, which is when they lock up the office. Low and behold,she tinkled in the bag just as we were checking her for the last time of the day! Unfortunately, the test showed that she had a severe UTI. I started bawling. I felt like such a HORRIBLE mommy. I bathe her every day. I always wipe her front to back. How did this happen?!?!?!? Was I going to get in trouble for not "taking care" of my little girl? The nurses were SO sweet and assured me that this was completely normal for a baby that had been having diarrhea for almost 3 weeks.

Elizabeth was given an antibiotic that had grape flavoring....She HATED it!! We are only on day 4 of a 10-day cycle of antibiotics. I have to give it to her twice a day and I literally have to pin her down to give it to her. She screams and spits it out, so I inject it into the back of her mouth with a syringe 1 mL at a time and then hold her nose until she swallows it. It is so stressful on both of us, but I don't know how else to get her to take it. I have tried mixing it with her bottle, but she refuses to drink the bottle. She is one strong-willed child!!

So, that is where we are right now. I'm tired and stressed out because of all the "sickness" we have been dealing with. (Oh, I eventually caught the nasty stomach bug and it took 2 1/2 weeks to get rid of it!) There are other stresses with big Eddie working a lot, missing my family, etc., but I think this update is long enough. If you've made it this far, I'm impressed!

Hopefully, I will update again soon!

I'm still here!

2010-06-09T19:49:00.002-05:00

I honestly do keep meaning to blog, but it's really hard with two kids running around! Things have been extremely crazy and busy. I'm contemplating making my blog private again, so that I can really write down what I am thinking and feeling. Sometimes I have a hard time saying what I am truly feeling because I never know who is out there reading this. I honestly don't think that many people even check this anymore because I have been so lazy with my entries. Lots of things are going on and I really feel like I need to start keeping a journal and/or blogging again. It really is therapeutic to write things down or type them out. I guess I just need to start "making time" because it really does make me feel better.

I promise to update soon. It's been a crazy week. Elizabeth was hospitalized for dehydration and I think that I'm just exhausted from that. I'll try to blog about it soon.

Love and hugs to you all!

Elizabeth's Birth Story

2010-05-14T09:17:00.004-05:00

Well, at least I haven't waited 10 months to update my blog. I know it's been a while, but here is Elizabeth's birth story.

At 10:47 a.m. on Sept. 29, 2009, I received a call from Dr. Michael DeRosa, my ObGyn, telling me that my induction time was Sept. 30, 2009 at 1:00 a.m. I was not happy about the time, as I knew I wouldn’t get much sleep, but there was nothing I could do about it. At 6:52 p.m., I received a call from Missouri Baptist Medical Center, telling me that the hospital was completely full and that I wouldn’t be able to come in at 1:00 a.m. for my induction. The nurse told me to go to sleep and that the hospital would call some time in the morning and tell me when to come in.

On Sept. 30, 2009, at 5:37 a.m., Missouri Baptist Medical Center called and told me it was time to come in for my induction! I quickly showered and finished packing my hospital bag. My mom got up and took some final pictures and we were off to the hospital by 6:30 a.m.

I arrived at the hospital at 6:40 a.m. and was taken to labor and delivery room 24. I sat around for a while and was hooked up to my I.V. at 7:30. Eddie and I sat around and waited for a while. Finally, at 8:30, the head nurse, Debbie, came in and said that my dr’s office didn’t fax over my prenatal information. A call was put in to Dr. DeRosa, but no one was able to get a hold of him until a little after 9:00 a.m. At 9:30, I was told that my prenatal paperwork arrived at the hospital and it showed that I was GBS negative, so we were ready to start the induction!

I was hooked up to Pitocin starting at 9:30. I was checked and told that I was still only 3 cm. dilated and 90% effaced, which is where I had been for the past two weeks. I was already contracting on my own every 4-5 minutes, so the hope was that the pitocin would speed things up. After an hour of pitocin, the contractions weren’t getting any stronger, so the pictocin was bumped up.

At 11:00, we decided that Elizabeth wasn’t going to be here before little Eddie finished PDO at our church. We quickly made the decision to send Eddie to pick up little Eddie from PDO, and drop him off at his mom’s house. I thought Eddie would only be gone for a few minutes, but he took longer than I thought. The dr. was ready to break my water, but we knew things would progress quickly once that happened, so we waited for Eddie to return, which was at 11:40.

I was checked again at 11:50, this time by nurse Jamie, and I was told that I was 4 ½ cm. dilated and that the baby was at -1 station. The pitocin was bumped up again. My contractions weren’t too painful, but they were getting closer together. They were now 3 minutes apart, so I decided to go ahead and ask for my epidural. My back had been hurting pretty badly and I just wanted to be pain-free, even though the pain was bearable. I didn’t want to be a hero….

The epidural went in very easily and I had immediate relief. At 12:35, the dr. on call, Dr. Kym, came in and checked me. By now, I was 6 ½ cm. dilated and the baby was at 0 station. My contractions were 2 minutes apart, so she went ahead and broke my water. Once again, the pitocin was bumped even higher.

Once my water broke, the contractions were very steady at 2 minutes apart, even though I couldn’t feel them! I made small talk with Eddie and my mom for a while and then I suddenly felt like the baby was going to fall out of me every time I had a contraction. The time was 1:00 when this started happening. I decided to call the nurse in at 1:50 because I was worried that the baby was going to fall out. Nurse Jamie checked pulled back the sheet and was about to check me, when her eyes got really big. She said, “You’re complete, honey. The baby is right there. Don’t push! I’m going to call Dr. DeRosa.”

Dr. DeRosa arrived right at 2:00. I started pushing at 2:01 and Elizabeth Carol Ernst came out in one contraction, at 2:03 p.m. I had to stop mid-push because the cord was wrapped around her neck and body, but she came out in one push and one contraction!

Everything seemed to be going great…pictures were being taken and the room was buzzing with nurses taking care of Elizabeth. After a few minutes, I saw a very concerned look on Dr. DeRosa’s face. I heard him mumble something about losing too much blood and saying something about the placenta not coming out. I suddenly got very scared.

Within minutes, all of the nurses, except one for Elizabeth, were huddled around me and Dr. DeRosa…My placenta was not coming out like it was supposed to.

I only remember bits and pieces of the next 30 minutes. I remember Eddie laughing and smiling about our daughter’s arrival and I remember looking at my mom and she was white as a sheet. I then remember DeRosa saying that he was going to manually remove the placenta because I was about to need a blood transfusion. Dr. DeRosa finally removed the placenta (manually) at 2:37 p.m. and announced that I had lost about 800 cc’s of blood. He told me that I was going to feel really weak for a few days, but that everything was going to be ok. The important thing is that Elizabeth was here and she was healthy!!

I stayed in the hospital for 2 nights. While I was there, I continued to lose very large blood clots. I knew some clotting was normal, but every time I passed a clot, I would get very light headed and dizzy. On the morning I went home, I passed 4 large clots the size of my hand. I showed the nurses on call and they said that I should stop bleeding soon. I went home on a Friday and continued to bleed heavily and lose clots all weekend.

By Monday morning, I was very gray in color and had a hard time standing up. I called DeRosa’s office and went in for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed that there was something in my uterus and that I needed to have a D&C immediately to get my bleeding to stop. I scheduled a D&C for Tuesday morning at 11:10 a.m.

The D&C went smoothly. The doctor found a large blood clot and a piece of the placenta inside my uterus. Fortunately, once they were removed, my bleeding slowed down. I recovered quickly and soon started to feel like myself again. By Wednesday afternoon, 8 days after Elizabeth was born, I started to look and feel human again.

I am grateful to modern medicine. Without it, I know that I would not be alive today…I would have bled to death on the delivery bed and never have been able to enjoy my beautiful daughter, Elizabeth Carol Ernst. It was hard getting her here, but it was worth every hardship! ☺

Long time, no update

2010-02-15T20:39:00.002-06:00

Well, I don't know if anyone reads this anymore or not. I have been meaning to update, but time has really gotten away from me. Here is what has been going on for the last year.....

Baby #2 turned out to be a GIRL!! This is the first girl on my husband's side of the family in 4 generations, so we were pretty shocked!! The pregnancy was pretty uneventful...I did have gestational diabetes again, so I had to watch what I ate. I only gained 17 pounds during the entire pregnancy.

I also had two pregnancy-induced hernias, which were really painful. The first one popped up when I was 27 weeks pregnant. The second hernia popped up when I was 31 weeks pregnant. There wasn't much that I could do, except stay off of my feet and not do any heavy lifting.

My due date was October 9, 2009, but I had an induction scheduled for Sept. 30th. I was really hoping that I would deliver before my induction, but that didn't happen....and it was for the best! My mom came into town on Sept. 29th to help out with little Eddie while I was in the hospital. My original induction time was scheduled for midnight on Sept. 30 (because Dr. DeRosa screwed up and scheduled my induction at the wrong hospital!), but fortunately the hospital was booked and I was called at 7:30 on the 29th and told that they would call me whenever a room opened up. So, big Eddie and I went to bed. We got the call to come it at 5:30 a.m. on Sept. 30th. We took our time, showered, and got all packed up and were at the hospital by 6:45. (I will post the birth story on another post....I just want to summarize in this post.)

Elizabeth Carol Ernst was born on Sept. 30th at 2:03 p.m., weighing 7 lb. 15 oz. She was healthy and beautiful AND she came out with one push! :) The hospital stay was uneventful, except that I kept passing very large clots. The nurses said I was fine, so they sent me home...boy, were they wrong!! 4 days after I delivered, I was still losing large clots, so I went in to see Dr. DeRosa. He was out of town, but I saw one of his partners. I had an u/s and learned that there was still a piece of placenta from the delivery in my uterus and that I needed a D&C immediately. I had the D&C the next day, and it went well. My mom ended up staying an extra 2 days to help out after my surgery, which we all GREATLY appreciated.

The next few weeks went by fairly quickly. Big Eddie took a full 2 weeks off after Elizabeth was born to help out around the house. The day that he went back to work, I cried and cried. I was terrified of staying at home with two kids by myself, but it all ended up ok. It has been hard, but not nearly as hard as I was expecting!

I want to keep typing, but I'm beat. I will update again soon...and hopefully it will be in less than 10 months!

NT Scan for baby #2

2009-04-01T09:36:00.002-05:00

I give up on trying to update this blog regularly....I thought I could do it, but with little Eddie hitting his "terrible 2's" early and my being pregnant with baby #2 (meaning I'm EXTREMELY exhausted), I just don't have as much time as I'd like. I promise to keep blogging, but I don't know how regular the updates are going to be! But for now, here's the update for the past 3 weeks.

E5 recovered pretty quickly from his hospital stay. He was back to his usual sassy self with 2 days. I have continued to have bleeding off and on and it scares me to death every time! My latest bleeds were at 11w1d and 12w2d. I did go in for an u/s at Dr. DeRosa's office when I was 11w3d and it was discovered that I have complete placental previa. This just means that the baby's placenta is sitting right smack-dab over my cervix. Since I'm so early, the doctors aren't very concerned. We are hoping that as my uterus grows, the placenta will move up and off of my cervix. If/when it does this, I can expect periods of bleeding/spotting. Great, huh? If the placenta doesn't move off of my cervix, I will have to have a c-section at the end of the pregnancy. I REALLY don't want a c-section, although I know it's not the end of the world if I have to have one, so I'm hoping and praying that the placenta moves over the coming weeks.

I had my NT scan for baby #2 yesterday at 12w4d. The thickness of the neck measured 1.3 mm., which is GREAT. The dr. doesn't get concerned unless it measures greater than 3 mm., so it looks like our chances of having a baby with Down's Syndrome is greatly reduced. I also had to give 5 drops of blood from my right ring finger to do more testing for other trisomy disorders. I should have those results back in about a week.

E5 has two new teeth, which brings our tooth count up to 14!! I'm just waiting for his top incisors and his 2-year molars to come in and we will be done with teething! Hopefully, he'll have all of his teeth before baby #2 arrives!

I also scheduled my "big u/s" for baby #2, which is May 8, 2009. This is when we find out the gender. I honestly think the baby is a boy, so for me, it's just going to be a confirmation u/s! Speaking of boys, we're having one heck of a time deciding on boy names. I really like the name Zachary, but Eddie doesn't care for it. I think I should get to pick baby #2's name, since he got to pick E5's name. Actually, I didn't have a say in the matter at all, so it's only fair that I get to pick this time, right?

That's my update for now. One of my best friends, Alison, is having a c-section today. She doesn't know the sex of the baby, so I'm on pins and needles waiting to hear if she had a boy or a girl. My money is on a girl! I'll try to update soon....

The longest and scariest 24 hours of my life!

2009-03-11T13:42:00.002-05:00

So, after I posted yesterday morning, I thought things were going pretty well with E5 (a.k.a. Tiny). Well, they quickly took a turn for the worse around lunch time. He STILL wasn't eating and all he wanted was milk. I gave him 4 oz. of milk and 6 oz. of pedialyte. He took both of those (happily), but he still wouldn't eat. I waited 2 hours and then when I went to change his diaper, it was completely dry. I thought, "This isn't right." So I thought back to his last wet diaper and it was on Sunday morning!! I then knew that we had a problem on our hands. I called Dr. Laycob and told him what was going on and he said, "Oh hun, you need to drop everything and get to the E.R. for fluids NOW, and I mean RIGHT NOW!"

So, I dropped everything (literally), scooped up Tiny, and raced out the door. I called E4 and my parents on the way to let them know what was going on. E4 was stuck in Kansas City, MO doing a deposition and my parents were stuck in Alabama, so I was going to have to do this by myself.

We got to the E.R. at 1:15 and we only had to wait an hour before a dr. came in. I told him the whole story about Tiny's sickness over the last 4 days and he said that he needed to draw some blood and give Tiny some IV fluids. No big deal, right? WRONG!! We got the IV started (with minimal crying from Tiny) and he even managed to fall asleep for about 20 minutes. I sat on the bed next to him the whole time and rubbed his back and stroked his hair. My heart felt like it had broken into a million pieces and I felt like a failure as a mom.

The dr. came back in around 3:30 and told us that Tiny was going to be admitted overnight. His electrolytes were "off" and his bicarbonate levels, which should have been at 22.7 or higher, were at 13. I was then told he had metabolic acidosis. (Google it for more information, as there is A LOT of information about it). Basically, he was really dehydrated, which was causing him to have dizziness and nausea, which in turn, were not letting him eat. We waited around another hour and a half and we were finally taken up to the pediatric floor at 5:30.

By this point, I was STARVING and my bladder was really full! I called my wonderful sister-in-law, Julie, and asked her to go by our house and pick up a change of clothes, toothbrush, etc. She even said she would stop by McDonald's for me and bring me some dinner! She was SUCH an angel!!!!

Poor Tiny just layed in bed on his stomach with his eyes half open for the rest of the night. Julie came by and delivered my things and food, and then I had to eat it in front of Tiny. He kept signing "more" and "milk" and it just broke my heart to tell him that I couldn't give him anything to eat or drink yet.

By now, I had just received a call from E4 that he was flying back in to St. Louis tonight and he wanted to see Tiny, but he wouldn't be in until 11:30 or later. I told him that was fine and that we would see him then. I went ahead and changed into my PJ's and made the couch into a bed and tried to get some sleep (even though it was only 7:00). I knew it was going to be a long and restless night, so I tried to get as much sleep as possible.

The nurses came in about every 1 1/2 hours - 2 hours to check Tiny's vitals and check his diarrhea. By 11:30 he had his last diarrhea diaper (YAY!!!) and he was starting to urinate!! I felt a HUGE wave of relief when I changed the wet diaper and I knew we were really on the road to recovery.

E4 made it back and got to our room at 11:40. Tiny was awake from having his vitals checked, so we all visited for about 20 minutes. After he left, it took Tiny a good 45 minutes to really settle down for the night. I also managed to fall asleep a little after 1:00 a.m. and only barely remember waking up for the two nurse checks at 1:30 and 3:00.

I woke up for good at 4:30 this morning and decided to get up and work on my needlepoint. Tiny wasn't sleeping very well at this point and was starting to get cranky. I took it as a good sign that he was starting to feel well enough to want something to eat and drink, especially since he continued signing "milk."

A nurse came in at 7:00 and told me that Dr. Laycob was coming by and wanted to see if he could tolerate any liquids, so we gave him some Pedialyte. Poor Tiny chugged it as fast and as hard as he could!!!! As soon as he finished, he threw the sippy cup and signed "more." I felt bad that I couldn't give him more, because we were only allowed to give him 2 oz. every hour.

E4 arrived at 8:00 and brought some McDonald's for me. (All I need is to have McDonald's for lunch today and I will have had the Mickey D's trifecta!) Poor Tiny was begging for my biscuit and I couldn't give him any! Dr. Laycob showed up at 8:40 and gave us the green light to go home!! We had all the paperwork filled out by 9:00 and were home by 9:30.

It's been a little rough since we got home....Tiny wants milk and he's not allowed to have any for 48 hours. He reluctantly drinks the Pedialyte, but he still won't eat. We both managed to take a little nap when we got home, but he is real cranky and irritable. We have a follow-up appointment/15-month well check with Dr. Laycob tomorrow, so hopefully, he'll let us start back on the milk a little sooner.

So, that's been my past 24 hours. A lot of you sent prayers, well-wishes, and good thoughts our way and I can't thank you enough!! They really mean the world to me! I promise to update again soon!

On a side note, I used the doppler when I got home this morning and Tiny 2's heartbeat is still nice and strong! I was a little worried, as I forgot to ask Julie to pack my medicines for me, but apparently he/she is doing great!

15 months old....and a long overdue update!

2009-03-10T08:09:00.002-05:00

E5 is 15 months old today!! Woo-hooooo!! I can't believe our miracle baby has been with us for 15 months. The time really has flown by! We're supposed to see Dr. Laycob on Thursday for his 15-month check-up, but that may or may not happen. Let me back up and fill you all in on the past month....

After the last u/s I posted about, I was heading down to Alabama. I went down down there and I started bleeding on Sunday night. I told my dad about it, but I decided not to tell my mom. I decided not to tell her because I didn't want her to worry, overanalyze the bleeding, and then make me worry. It was just a little bit, but it was enough blood to scare me. I had a wonderful week in Alabama. On Monday, I got to go to Miss Rosemarie's Tea Room with my mom, Rebecca, and Missy for lunch. It's my favorite lunch spot and my brother, Tim, watched E5 for me. The weather was a little cool, but on Wednesday, the temp. got up to 72. We had a great time outside and E5 even got to help feed the ducks! On Thursday, I went in for an u/s at my dad's office. My mom had to go with me (and E5) because I wasn't sure where the office was located. I got right in and the u/s tech found the reason for my bleeding....A subchorionic hematoma (SCH). It's a small pocket of blood between the uterus and the placenta. Most of the time, it goes away and doesn't cause any problems, so we have been very optimistic. I did tell my mom about the SCH and she seemed to panic, but I told her not to worry because the baby looked fine (and only measured 3 days behind)....I was 6w6d at the u/s and I only measured 6w3d (Hb of 142). The rest of the week went smoothly and I left on Saturday morning.

When I got back to St. Louis, I was exhausted because E5 was a pill on the plane. He wouldn't sit still and I had to wrestle him the entire flight back. When I got back, I took a nap around noon. I woke up at 2:00 and there was a lot of blood. I panicked and called the after hours dr. He told me there was nothing I could do and to come in for an u/s on Monday, so I did. I went in when I was 7w3d and we saw the baby (Hb of 146) and the SCH was still there. I felt a little bit of relief, but I just wanted the bleeding to stop. I promised the u/s tech, Mary, that I would stop worrying and she told me I was wrong and that I was going to worry for the rest of the pregnancy.....GREAT! :(

The rest of the week went by pretty smoothly because I had set up an appointment with my old high risk Ob, Dr. Webb for Tuesday, and I would be 8w4d....but.....I had to have an u/s at the Perinatal Center before he would see me, so that was scheduled for 8 weeks....Only 5 days away! I went in to the u/s on Friday and the baby looked GREAT!! He/she measured 7w6d and had a hb of 178!!!! It appeared that the SCH was gone, so I was REALLY happy!! When I went in to see Dr. Webb on the following Tuesday (8w4d), he told me that I still might bleed some more and I told him that I was scared to death, so, he did another u/s right there in the office! The baby looked nice and healthy and he/she even jumped a little!!!! I was really starting to feel relief at this point!

Again, everything was going along smoothly, but then I found out that my mom accidentally found out that I was having some bleeding (overheard my dad talking about it). She was FURIOUS!! She was really angry with me and my dad and didn't talk to us for a week, but we managed to patch things up....although it took a major medical emergency to fix everything. Now, we're getting to the interesting part of my update.

On Wednesday afternoon, March 4th, E5 and I were playing outside because it was 75 degrees. We were walking around our street when he tripped on his shoes and fell. He doesn't like to touch his hands on the asphalt, so he landed on his face. When I picked him up, there was blood everywhere! I ran inside and looked in his mouth and I saw that his lip was stuck between his two front teeth! I tried and tried to get it out, but I couldn't so we went to the ER. Fortunately, we were seen very quickly and the dr. was able to fix his lip. There is no permanent damage and he should recover just fine....PHWEW!!!

Fast forward 3 days to Saturday...At this point, I am 9w1d and I am SO excited to be past my miscarriage date from 2005 (I lost my first pregnancy at 9 weeks). I figured things were ok because I was able to find the hb at home with a doppler when I was 7w6d and I have been able to find it every day since then! ;) Anyway, I took E5 to Babies R Us and on the way there, he started sticking his fingers in his throat and gagging....severely! I kept telling him to stop, but he wouldn't. Well, he eventually projectile vomited all of himself and the back seat of my car. I pulled over and tried to clean it up as best as I could and decided that I needed to go back home. On the way back home (15 minutes) he threw up 5 times, and I mean he THREW UP!

When we got to the house, his entire front was covered in curdled vomit. I grabbed some latex gloves and a blanket to get him out. I was gagging at the smell of the mess, but I was able to get him inside and get him bathed. I then put him in his PJ's and put him in the bed. I then took the next 45 minutes taking apart the car seat and scubbing it out. I can't even begin to tell you what a pain in the butt this was, but at least I got it cleaned up.

I went back upstairs to check on E5 and he had vomited additional times.....great! So, I put him back in the bath, called E4 (who was working down at his office) and told him that he needed to come home NOW)! This whole process when on until 10:00 Saturday night. We changed E5's clothes 15 times on Saturday and I did 12 loads of laundry over a 24 hour period just we could have clean sheets for our poor little guy.

On Sunday morning, he threw up once in the morning, but that was it. He was very lethargic and just wanted to be held. We managed to get him to drink 1 liter of Pedialyte over the course of the day to help ward off dehydration, but he didn't want to eat. He managed to choke down 6 saltine crackers, but that was it. By midday, E5's temp. was up to 104.5, so we then added Motrin to the mix. His fever came down to 102, but it kept creeping back up. We continued to give him Motrin every 5 hours (as directed by Dr. Laycob). Needless to say, I didn't sleep much on Sunday night.

On Monday (yesterday), E5's temp. spiked back up to 104.7. I flipped out and called the ped. We got in at 9:20 and were told that he either has Norwalk Virus (cruise ship virus) or Rotovirus. There is nothing you can do for either one, but we were told it was extremely important to keep him hydrated. The poor guy was so worn out that he just wanted to be held for 15-20 minutes and then sleep in his crib for a few hours. We did this off and on all day. At noon, his temp jumped back up to 103.7. Dr. Laycob told me to put him in a cool bath, give him another dose of motrin and force him to drink Pedialyte, so, I bathed him, gave him the medicine and then forced the Pedialyte down his throat with a syringe. The temp. managed to drop to 101.5 within 30 minutes, so at this point, we were still able to avoid the ER.

I monitored E5 every 30 minutes for the rest of the day. Fortunately, his temp. continued to go down, but he was still refusing to eat or drink anything. I managed to get him to take about 3 oz. of Pedialyte over the course of the day and he went down for the night at 6:45.

I didn't hear a peep out of E5 until 3:00 this morning. I went in there, changed an awful diarrhea diaper and then had to wake him up at 7:40 this morning. As soon as I woke him up, he immediately signed "milk" so I knew we were making some progress. Fortunately, the fever has stayed away, but he still won't eat. I guess it's good that he's had some milk, but I'm hoping to at least get some crackers in him at some point today.

It's been a long 72 hours (especially since E4 left for Kansas City yesterday and won't be back until tomorrow morning). Please send any extra prayers our way, as E5 has already lost 3 pounds. I am worried sick about my baby and I just want him to get better. Please also pray that this nasty virus stays away from E4 and me....I don't think either one of us can afford to get sick right now!

As for baby #2, everything seems to be ok, and I haven't had any more bleeding since last Saturday. Hopefully, the bleeding episodes are over for now. I'll keep you all updated....

A little relief

2009-02-15T08:38:00.000-06:00

I called my dr's office and Friday and went in for my 3rd u/s (in 5 days). Everything looked GREAT! We saw Tiny 2's heartbeat and it measured 105 bpm, which is exactly where it should be for 6w0d. I am SO relieved! I have been living on pins and needles ever since Wednesday night. My dr. thinks the bleeding might be from playing my horn, so I am packing it up for the next 8 months. I'm sad to put it away, but I had to put it away for E5, so I know I can pick it back up in a few months and everything will be fine (eventually). Besides, putting down my horn is fine with me....especially if it means a healthy baby at the end of all of this!

I'm headed down to Alabama this week to visit my family, so I don't know how much I'll be posting while I'm gone. I will have one more u/s, so I will try to update on that as soon as I can.

Oh no....

2009-02-12T07:07:00.003-06:00

So, after seeing the heartbeat yesterday, I was really excited. I was especially excited because I have always bled by 5w5d (yesterday) and things were looking great until last night. I came home from orchestra rehearsal and found out I was bleeding. There wasn't a lot of blood, but it was definitely red. My heart is just crushed right now. I just wanted a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby, and now I'm just scared out of my mind. I just had an u/s yesterday, so there's no point in getting another one today. I guess I'll call my dr's office and let Shelley know what's going on so it can be marked down in my chart. Ugh.....I HATE this! Why me?!?!?!? :(

A beautiful sight

2009-02-11T10:49:00.003-06:00

l had an unexpected u/s this morning (5w5d). I have been a raw nerve since my u/s on Monday, so I called Shelley and asked if I could come in for an u/s at some point this week because I'm leaving on Sunday to go out of town for a week. She called me back and told me to come in at 9:50 this morning. The office was really busy, so I felt bad for being there, but I'm SO glad that I went.

Mary, the u/s tech, immediately found the baby and then I noticed that she held the u/s wand very still, so I started to get nervous. She then turned the screen towards me and showed me the fetal pole and the HEARTBEAT!!!! The baby looks like a little white dot, but the dot was flickering!! I started crying and thanking God immediately! I am SO relieved to see the heartbeat, but I know that we are not out of the woods yet. I still have a long way to go, but for now, things are looking good! Praise the Lord!!!!

We have a yolk sac!

2009-02-10T17:30:00.001-06:00

I had my first u/s yesterday (5w3d) and we saw the gestational sac with a yolk sac. We didn't see a fetal pole, but the u/s tech, Mary, said she didn't expect to see one that early. The gestational sac measured exactly 5w3d, so she said everything was looking good. My next u/s is scheduled for two weeks and by that time, we should see a heartbeat. I was really hoping to at least see a fetal pole, but my chances were only 50/50.....Hopefully the next u/s we'll see more! The good news is that I'm still pregnant (with one baby) and everything looks good for now. Please keep prayers and good thoughts coming our way....I'm still a nervous wreck!

Third and final beta

2009-02-06T08:49:00.002-06:00

I had my third beta draw on Wednesday (19 DPO) and my number came back at 1872!! Dr. DeRosa actually called me (instead of Shelly) to give me my number because it was so high. He told me to be prepared for the possibility of twins (or more). He said, "There's probably two, maybe three, and let's hope not four!" I immediately felt sick to my stomach when he told me. I was excited and freaked out at the same time. I know it's all speculation right now, but the thought of having two children at once scares the crap out of me. With Eddie's pregnancy, I was really excited to find out it was twins, but now that I have Eddie, I don't think I can handle twins AND E5! I'm scheduled for my first u/s on Monday at 9:00, so I guess we'll know more then. Right now I'm just hoping and praying that this pregnancy is in the right spot (not ectopic) and that it's not a blighted ovum. It's going to be a looooooooong weekend!

Here's a breakdown of my betas:

10 DPO: 22
12 DPO: 82 (doubling time of 25.29 hours)
19 DPO: 1872 (doubling time of 37.23 hours)

The good news is that I'm definitely pregnant and things are looking good for now. I just have to keep hoping and praying that things continue to go well. I'll definitely keep you all updated!

The truth....Part II

2009-02-03T17:04:00.002-06:00

Ok, so after taking yet another week off, I'm going to finish up my story from last time. On a side note, for those of you that are on Facebook, PLEASE do not post anything on my page about what you read on my blog....I promise to explain at the end of the post.

So, back to Friday from a week and a half ago. Friday night was kind of ho hum and Saturday was ok. I was still in a funk about my progesterone being so low and about possibly bringing up IVF to Eddie. We had a babysitter for E5 and we had reservations at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse for 7:00. I started to perk up towards the end of the afternoon and I promised Eddie that I would be in a good mood for dinner.

At 6:45 on Saturday night, I decided to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't pregnant so I could have some wine with dinner. I took the test and I *thought* I saw something at around the 5 minute mark. I waited until the 10 minute mark and there was definitely a faint line. I was only 8 DPO, so I knew it was too early to be a BFP, so I chalked it up to it being the trigger shot still in my system (even thought I tested the trigger out by 6 DPO). I immediately started taking my extra progesterone "just in case," but I didn't say anything to Eddie and we had a nice dinner. I got to wear the new Trina Turk dress that Eddie bought me for Christmas and I even had that glass of wine.

I didn't sleep very well on Saturday night, so on Sunday morning I took another test. This time there was definitely a line there and it was darker than last night's test. OMG!!!! I'm pregnant!! I practically threw the test at Eddie and asked if he saw anything and he said, "Yeah, I see 2 lines. One is really faint and the other is really obvious." He asked what it meant (DUH!) and I told him that I was pregnant and started crying. He told me not to get excited because we have been down this road MANY times. So, the waiting began.

Later on Sunday afternoon, I took another test and the line was even darker. I was SO excited to see this that I called my parents and told them. My attitude was, "I'm pregnant today and I'm happy about it. I may not be pregnant tomorrow, but I want my family to be happy with me, too." My parents were THRILLED...My mom cried! Everyone seemed to be happy.

On Monday, 10 DPO, I took yet another test and the line was still getting darker. I immediately called my dr's nurse, Shelly, and asked to come in for a blood test. I went in and had my blood drawn, but I wouldn't get the results back until the next day....grrrrrrrr. Monday went by SO slowly!

On Tuesday, 11 DPO, my test was darker still and my HCG came back at 22. I knew that the number was low, but I also knew that I was really early. My progesterone came back at 51, so I knew that taking the oral progesterone was working. On Tuesday we had a big snow storm come through that dumped 8 inches of sleet and snow on us. I was REALLY glad that I didn't have to get out in the nasty weather for a blood test. I did, however, have to take E5 to the ped. because he got croup....GREAT...NOT!

On Wednesday I had a repeat of my bloodwork and we were looking for my HCG to at least double. I got the results back on Thursday and my numbers had gone up to 82 and my progesterone was 98.6!! I was then told to come back in week for a 3rd and final blood draw. If my numbers continue to look good, then I will go in for an u/s around 5 or 5 1/2 weeks to "count noses." I only think there is one baby, but you never know!

The rest of the week actually went by pretty quickly. E5 and I were cooped up in the house because of him having croup and the weather being lousy. On Saturday, we all went to West County Mall as a family (Gramps joined us) and we let E5 walk around. He walked from one end of the mall to the other all by himself!!!! It was really cute to watch him toddle around, and people that noticed him got a big kick out of it! We stayed home from church on Sunday because E5 was still coughing and wheezing pretty badly, but Monday we were back to our regular routine.

So, now I am 4w4d pregnant and waiting for tomorrow's final blood test. Again, I won't get the results back until Thursday, so it's going to be another long day of waiting. I will definitely keep everyone updated.

As for Facebook, the reason why I ask that no on post anything about this is because Eddie doesn't want his family to know that I am pregnant until we get out of the 1st trimester, which is another 8 weeks away. I knew that I couldn't NOT blog about the pregnancy, but I'm pretty sure that none of my inlaws read this. So, please, please, PLEASE don't mention anything about my blog or pregnancy on Facebook....Thank you!!! :)

As for the depression, I'm still going to go talk with someone, as I definitely feel it's in my best interest. I just haven't called yet because I've been so excited about finding out that I'm pregnant again. I'm hoping and praying that this little one is healthy and in the right spot! I will keep you all updated!

The truth

2009-01-29T09:33:00.003-06:00

I haven't updated in over two weeks, and I'm really sorry. A lot has been going on and I just haven't had the time or energy to blog, but I thought I should fill everyone in on what's going on.

After I took my trigger shot, I went in for an u/s to make sure I had actually ovulated. That u/s was on Friday, Jan. 16. The u/s tech *thought* that I had ovulated, but couldn't tell because I still had a lot of mature follicles that didn't ovulate. I did have "free fluid" in my abdomen, which is a sign of ovulation, but I tend to always have "extra fluid." (Maybe if I could lose the extra fluid, I could drop a pound or two! ) I met with Dr. DeRosa and he said he didn't think I was ovulating (as I have been suspecting for a while) and that my next step would be to try IVF, which I KNOW big Eddie doesn't want to try again. Anyway, I was told to come back in a week for a 7 DPO (days past ovulation) progesterone test. If my level came back above a 5, it means that I did ovulate. So, I waited....

During that week, I got really depressed. The thought of bringing up IVF to Eddie was honestly soul-crushing. The cost of IVF in St. Louis has gone up to $15,000 and I know we wouldn't be able to do it. I told Eddie about my appointment on Saturday and started crying. He told me that we were blessed to have E5 and that we should just be thankful to have him. I AM thankful for E5, but I also know that I want more children! So, I kept my thoughts to myself and continued to spiral downward.

On Tuesday of that week, I "snapped." I had not been sleeping and was VERY irritable, so when E5 threw a fit about his diaper being changed, I screamed.....loudly! It scared E5 so badly that he looked absolutely terrified of me. I was trying to change his poopy diaper and when I screamed, it made him jump....He ended up getting poop in his hair, the carpet, all over himself, and all over me. I then had to bathe him and the whole time, he was crying and had a look of sheer fear on his face. I put him down for a nap and then cried and cried. I couldn't believe that I had just yelled at my little miracle baby. I then thought that God was testing me and decided that I didn't need any more children because I couldn't treat the one that I had in a proper manner. Tuesday was a BAD DAY!

On Wednesday, I decided that I needed some help. I didn't physically hurt E5, but I knew that my emotions/depression were getting the better of me, so I called Eddie at work and told him everything that had happened. I told him that I needed professional help....I honestly didn't want to be alive....I didn't want to play with E5....I just wanted to sleep and escape the depression that I felt was consuming every ounce of me. When I told Eddie all of this, he agreed that I needed some help and told me to call Dr. DeRosa, so I did. I was given the name of a women's center that specializes in postpartum depression, infertility depression, and other women's issues.

I don't remember what happened on Thursday, but I do remember feeling kind of "blah." On Friday, I went in for my 7 DPO progesterone test. I normally take progesterone during my 2ww, but I didn't this time because I wanted to see what my body's natural progesterone level was going to be. Besides, extra progesterone makes me cranky and irritable, and I was already cranky and irritable!

I'm going to stop this post for now....I'll blog about the rest of the weekend and the following week soon. For now, I just wanted to get it out there that I have finally admitted that I am suffering from depression. The truth hurts, but at least admitting the truth is a step in the right direction!

I'm such a wuss!

2009-01-14T12:42:00.002-06:00

I've been doing my Follistim shots for the last 7 days. I haven't told big Eddie about them, because I'm trying to make this whole TTC process less "scientific." Well, fate was on my side! I didn't know how in the world I was going to do my trigger shot because it goes in the bum, and I can't do it myself. I went in for my u/s yesterday and I was told that I have 6 potential follicles. They are all BARELY going to be mature, so most of them probably aren't any good. I was also told that I need to do my trigger shot this morning. Since I'm terrified of needles (I know, I know...I've been doing shots almost every day for the past 2 1/2 years, but the sight of a needle still makes me queasy!) I had to ask my dr's office to let me come in this morning so they could do it for me. Big Eddie left to go to Kansas City at 6:00 a.m. this morning and I was supposed to take my shot around 9:00.

I shamefully went into the office this morning, said hello to all of the receptionists, (They all know me on a first name basis now.) and waited for my dr's nurse, Shelly, to get me. She was really tickled to hear that I can't do my own trigger, but in my defense, the needle is 1 1/2" long!!!! I have a hard enough time with the 1/2" shots that go into my stomach! The upside of having Shelly give me the shot, was that I barely even felt it! It always REALLY hurts when Eddie gives it to me. (I am now convinced that Eddie is taking out frustrations when he gives me the shot!)

I should ovulate sometime Friday morning and I'll get confirmation from my dr's office with an u/s on Friday afternoon. I've never had ovulation confirmed with an u/s, so I'm kind of excited to see how it will look!

On another note, I had a WONDERFUL visit with my sister, Rebecca. We did some shopping....ok....lots of shopping! We also saw the movie Bride Wars, which was really cute and funny. We were going to see Twilight, but it was only showing in the evening and we only had time for a Sunday afternoon matinee. I still want to see Twilight, so if anyone in the St. Louis area wants to see it, PLEASE let me know!!

That's all the news for now. I'm going to stay hunkered down in my house for the next few days because we're supposed to have record cold temperatures for the rest of this week. Brrrrrrrrrrrrr!! Is it spring yet?

Aunt Bec is here!!

2009-01-10T15:37:00.003-06:00

My youngest sister, Rebecca, is in town....YAY!!! She drove up from Alabama yesterday to visit this weekend. Fortunately, the weather yesterday was really nice. We went for a walk as soon as she got here, and then she, little Eddie, and myself all went over to Gymboree for open play. Rebecca had never seen it, so I wanted her to to see what baby Eddie is like when he's in his own environment. It was a lot of fun, and big Eddie was even able to meet us over there after work!

I cooked chicken piccata for dinner and served it with oven roasted asparagus and parmesan cheese. We also had a loaf of bread from Clayton Bakery, which is the best bread in the world!! We had a pretty late dinner, but that's ok....It turned out well and everyone was satisfied! :)

After dinner, Rebecca and I played Wii Fit and Mario Kart. I had never played Mario Kart before, so it was a little hard to get used to, but it was a lot of fun. Big Eddie went to bed pretty early, but I think he was mainly just trying to give us some "girl time." Bec and I stayed up talking for a while, which was nice. I really have missed talking one on one with my family members, and this weekend is a great way to get caught up!

Baby Eddie was up bright and early at 6:00 a.m. this morning....UGH! We didn't get him out of bed until 7:20 and we let Bec sleep until close to 8:00. Big Eddie ran out and got us all some McDonald's for breakfast and then he stayed at home with little Eddie while Bec and I did some shopping! :)

For lunch, we had Bec's choice, which was Lion's Choice. My family LOVES Lion's Choice, so I wasn't surprised when she said that's what she wanted for lunch. She even asked if they opened up early so she could get a roast beef sandwich for the drive home!! After lunch, we went up to Plaza to pick up my Christmas present from Eddie. He had given me a dress, but it was too big, so we had to order a smaller size. While we were at Plaza we took her by Bissinger's and let her pick out a treat. (Today is her 25th birthday, after all!).

Big Eddie is now playing tennis, little Eddie and Bec are napping, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to post for today. Tonight, we're taking Bec to Bellerive for dinner. I also got her a small cake and we're going to have a mini surprise party tonight when we get back from dinner. I'm not sure what the plan is tomorrow, but maybe Bec and I will go see a movie! I'm dying to see Twilight!!

TGIF!

2009-01-09T13:58:00.003-06:00

So I tried something completely different today with Eddie's napping. I kept him awake this morning (even though he started rubbing his eyes around 10:00) and we completely skipped his morning nap! I kept him busy by taking him to the grocery store, having him help me clean the bathrooms (THAT was an adventure!) and by letting him play with the Wii remote for a while. We then went to play group at 11:00 and he was SUPER hyper!!! It was the funniest thing because he was cruising from toy to toy and laughing hysterically. He had all the moms (and their kids) laughing....It was really cute!

We only stayed at play group for an hour because I was meeting up with a good friend of mine, Alissa, who has a 4 month old son. The weather here is absolutely gorgeous for mid-January (57 degrees), so we took a walk around her neighborhood. I got back to the house a little after 1:00 and put Eddie down for his nap at 1:15. It's now 2:00 and he's still asleep....YAY!!! This is the longest he has napped in a while! I'll be curious to see how he acts the rest of the day because the last few days he's been very cranky starting around 4:00. I'm hoping that an afternoon nap will help him be in a good mood until bedtime.

My youngest sister, Rebecca, is driving into town today for a weekend visit and I am SO excited that she's coming! Little Eddie loves his Aunt Bec, so it should be a great visit. Bec's 25th birthday is tomorrow, so we're going to take her out to eat and then surprise her with a little cake. It won't be much of a party, but hopefully she'll like it.

Rebecca should be here within an hour, so I'm going to do a little bit of Wii fit before she gets here. For those of you who don't have a Wii fit.....GET ONE!!! It's awesome!!

Migraine and Gymboree don't mix well together

2009-01-08T14:33:00.003-06:00

I really hate migraine headaches. I normally don't get them very often, but when I do, they hit hard, heavy, and last a looooooong time. I started having a headache yesterday and thought that maybe I was just dehydrated. I drank a ton of water and it still didn't go away. I ended up taking a Tylenol PM last night before I went to bed, and that really knocked me out. I didn't wake up this morning until 7:40, and the only reason why I woke up then was because little Eddie was calling for me. I was seeing a bunch of spots and squiggly lines yesterday, but they seem to have disappeared today. I still have the pounding headache, but at least there aren't any spots! :)

Little Eddie actually took his morning nap this morning...YAY!! He only slept for an hour, but it's better than nothing! We then met a friend at Panera, had some lunch, and then went to Gymboree class. Normally, Eddie keeps to one area of the room and plays pretty quietly at Gymboree. But not today. He was climbing up every ladder, slide, and ramp he could find and was crawling from one side of the room to the other. It probably didn't help my headache that the music seemed a lot louder today (or maybe it just seemed louder because I had a killer headache)! Anyway, it seemed like all of the kids were on crack because everyone was running around and screaming. It was really entertaining to watch, but like I said, a little hard on the head!

I'm trying to get Eddie to take an afternoon nap, but he's just chatting in his crib. I guess I need to start moving his morning nap to a later time. If he's only going to have one nap a day, I'd MUCH rather him nap in the morning. Oh well! I guess time will tell!

Playing horn again

2009-01-07T22:35:00.002-06:00

First of all, Mom's Night Out last night was a BLAST!! It was SO much fun! There were 7 of us that went to a wine bar and we got there at 7:00. I was pretty wiped out from being up a lot the night before (little Eddie waking up, cat vomiting, and big Eddie talking in his sleep), so I had planned on leaving at 9:00. Well, we all sat around drinking wine (I only have 1 glass) and talking, and when I looked at my watch it was 11:00! I couldn't believe that we had been there for 4 hours. Needless to say, the conversation was amazing and I feel SO blessed to have found a group of moms that I get along with and have things in common!

Today, Eddie had PDO again (YAY!!), so I took care of a dr's appointment and did some more light cleaning around the house. When I picked him up, I was told that he didn't nap, so I got to put him down for a nap as soon as we got home. I was feeling pretty lousy with a migraine headache, so I laid down on the couch and fell asleep. I woke up a little after 4:00 and little Eddie was still asleep!! He ended up taking a 2 1/2 hour nap...Woo-hoo!!!

Even though my head felt like a jack hammer was being constantly drilled inside of it, I decided to go to Philharmonic Rehearsal. Tonight was the first rehearsal since our Christmas concert on Dec. 5, and I'm SO glad I went! We're playing Shostakovich's 4th Symphony, The Merry Wives of Windsor, Prince Igor, and Hangarian Rhapsody by Liszt. All of the pieces have great horn parts and I'm getting to play 3rd on this concert. It's going to be a lot of fun, and all of the playing is really going to help kick my butt into gear and get into shape!

Well, it's late, my head STILL hurts and I need to get some sleep.